Essay 2087

The smoking section of a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Controversy continues to smolder over Camel No. 9, a new cigarette launched in February. The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company argues the brand is targeting women smokers, but critics insist the cigarette maker is actually after college students and teens. Company executives deny the charges, claiming the product was introduced in response to consumer requests. A spokesperson said, “We launched Camel No. 9 for women who were asking for a product that better reflected their taste preferences and style.” The folks at R.J. Reynolds appear to be smoking something besides Camel No. 9.

• Paris Hilton is heading for jail after being convicted of probation violations in connection with a drunk-driving episode. She’d better pack a few cartons of Camel No. 9 to use as barter.

• Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is smoking over the LAPD’s use of force at an immigration rally. Cops bashed reporters and citizens with batons and fired rubber bullets into crowds with children. Villaraigosa declared, “Like every Angeleno I was deeply, personally troubled by the events of May 1st. … Those images hit me in the gut. … We don’t need a long and lengthy investigation to stand up and speak to the truth. What happened on May 1st was wrong, was wrong.” Or just another day for the LAPD.

• Sen. Dick Durbin insisted the decision to assign the Secret Service to protect Sen. Barack Obama “had a lot to do with race.” Durbin said, “I wished we lived in a country where that is not a problem, but it still is. … The fact that Barack Obama is such a highly visible African-American candidate, I think increases his vulnerability.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi remarked, “I would just say this — the bipartisan leadership committee that makes this decision, it didn’t take long to decide that it would be important for Sen. Obama to have this security.” In other words, it’s no secret that racism requires a Secret Service response.

• As a former first lady, Sen. Hillary Clinton already has Secret Service protection. Which is good, since some nutcase from Louisiana State University threatened to kill Clinton during an upcoming visit to Baton Rouge, where she’s scheduled to speak at the National Conference of Black Mayors. Wonder if Hillary merits additional Secret Service protection, as her husband was occasionally referred to as the first Black president.

• The infamous KFC/Taco Bell restaurant in Greenwich Village that was shut down after a video showed scurrying rats will not reopen. A spokesperson claimed, “The lease was actually expiring and we just decided we are not reopening.” So the rats will have to go elsewhere to pick up their KFC/Taco Bell goodies.

• A lawyer for fired shock jock Don Imus is already arguing the impending lawsuit for contract payment from CBS. The lawyer insisted CBS and MSNBC had the option to edit Imus’ remarks, but their failure to do so shows the companies viewed the comments as routine. “That means CBS and MSNBC both knew the language that was going out, and both knew the language complied with [Imus’] contract. … It was consistent with many of the things he had done,” stated the lawyer. It’s safe to say that in the coming months, America will be seeing a lot of corporate pimps and hos in action.