Essay Eighty-One

Allegedly fascinating MultiCultClassics Minutes…

• After allegedly reviewing an extensive list of Supreme Court Justice candidates that included women, Hispanics and other minorities, President George W. Bush opted to replace Sandra Day O’Connor with a conservative White man from Harvard. Incidentally, Harvard hired its very first diversity adviser just last week. And of course, Bush received his Harvard MBA back in 1975.

• Lawyers in the R. Kelly proceedings are still haggling over the production time frame for the infamous video of Kelly and an underage girl allegedly having sex. Prosecutors contend the tape was shot between January 1998 and November 2000. The R&B artist’s attorneys argue that’s still too “excessive” for their client to mount an effective defense. At this point, folks should realize Kelly is willing to mount anything.

• Responding to the Crash Moment between Illinois State Senator Reverend James Meeks and an allegedly abusive cop, Chicago aldermen are now proposing an official “Traffic Stop Code of Conduct.” Hey, if Chicago aldermen are involved, the guidelines undoubtedly include advanced bribe tactics.

• On an unrelated Chicago City Council note, Ald. Dorothy Tillman continues to reject financial deals between the city and institutions with past ties to slavery. Reparations champion Tillman has accused Morgan Stanley and LaSalle Bank of slave ties; however, both companies deny the charges. It might be fun to learn how many Chicago aldermen could be allegedly linked to slavery.

• The fast-food industry knows the public doesn’t care about healthy eating — and most restaurant chains allegedly don’t even try to hide disinterest for wholesome menu items. A spokesperson for Mickey D’s admitted the deep-fried dinosaur has stopped using the word “healthy” on signage because research showed it turns off customers. The executive proclaimed, “If Americans wanted tofu, McDonald’s could provide the best-tasting, most convenient, most affordable, freshest tofu there is. The problem is, Americans don’t want tofu.” Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout McWillis? Sure, America doesn’t want tofu. But don’t think for a millisecond Mickey D’s could provide the premier soybean curd if it was desired. In taste surveys, the burger joint consistently gets shitty ratings against nearly every competitor. Plus, the word “fresh” always requires an asterisk and legal disclaimers under the Golden Arches. Naw, if Americans wanted tofu, Ronald McDonald would personally microwave a preservative-filled, logo-shaped slab, squeeze it between triple-quarter-pounder meat patties and serve it with a crate of grease-oozing fries and a keg of Coke — plus, ask if you wanted a super-sized apple pie on the side. And the damned clown wouldn’t bother wearing a hairnet on his raggedy, red ‘fro.