Essay Seventy-Five

Summer movies and summer moves now playing at a MultiCultClassics Minutes multiplex near you…

• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is another Tim Burton extravaganza — with incredible filmmaking and innovative special effects. As expected, Johnny Depp put an original twist on the Willy Wonka character. Depp claimed to have drawn inspiration from children’s TV show figures like Captain Kangaroo and Mister Rogers. But despite the star’s denials, it appears Depp really incorporated Michael Jackson’s personality traits. Sick, but brilliant.

• Fantastic Four is worth seeing, though the dialogue and acting are less than fantastic. Tim Story, whose credits include Barbershop and Taxi, directed the blockbuster. While the movie remained relatively true to the comic book, there was one interesting casting decision — Kerry Washington played Alicia Masters, the Thing’s blind girlfriend. Not sure what the implication is here. Only a sistah could be freaky enough to do the wild Thing?

• David LaChapelle, mostly known for semi-bizarre celebrity portrait photography, turned in a provocative feature film debut with Rize. It’s part music video, part documentary — Hype Williams does Hoop Dreams. That’s probably not a very good movie review, so check it out and decide for yourself.

• Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. joined other Black elected leaders in condemning the Crash Moment experienced by state Senator James Meeks. Meeks was pulled over by a police sergeant who inevitably drew his pistol and stuck it in Meeks’ face while hurling obscenities. Jackson demanded suspending the sergeant, and also wants police to revise traffic-stop policies to prevent similar scenarios. Not to diss JJ Jr., but it seems the request to revise traffic-stop policies was first made around, oh, the invention of the wheel.

• In an unrelated traffic stop, ex-Village People cop Victor Edward Willis was arrested when real cops found a gun, rock cocaine and drug items in his car. Willis probably insisted he was just on his way to the YMCA and tried to pin everything on the Indian Chief guy.

• Direct response behemoth Draft is at it again. A few months ago, the company bragged about launching the first dedicated multicultural unit in the direct response sector. At the time, Draft also hired Larry Harris as EVP, Director of Integrated and Cross-Cultural Communications (see Essay Nine). Now comes the announcement of a new addition to the ranks — Walkyria “Wally” Rey as VP of Cross-Cultural Marketing. Rey has held cross-cultural marketing consultant gigs with AT&T Wireless, Clorox and the U.S. Army. Plus, she developed cross-cultural programs for United Airlines. Not sure if there’s a difference between cross-cultural and multicultural. Regardless, Rey joined the Chicago office, reporting to CMO Tony Weisman. Wonder how Harris fits into the revamped cross-cultural picture.

• In another direct response scenario, reports revealed the Pentagon is using a marketing firm to raid high school records for data on potential recruits. During the past two years, Massachusetts direct marketing company BeNOW has been compiling names, addresses, phone numbers, Social Security numbers and, you guessed it, racial backgrounds for enlistment tactics. The information is available thanks to the No Child Left Behind law. Maybe it should be renamed to No Child Left Unsolicited.

• How damned difficult is it to make Oreo cookies? Nabisco Foods botched the limited edition of Pure Milk Chocolate Covered Oreo (did the public really need a limited edition?), accidentally stuffing the centers with peanut butter. The massive screw-up of 838,000 boxes is actually the second recall of Oreo products this month. The first recall involved packages of Oreo Thin Crisps Baked Chocolate Wafer Snacks containing Chips Ahoy cookies. This all sets up the cheap shot of the week: Upon hearing of the Oreo recalls, Chief Justice Clarence Thomas turned himself over to Nabisco officials.

• Dumb Discriminator Of The Month Award goes to T-ball coach Mark R. Downs Jr. of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Downs allegedly paid a player $25 to injure an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate — all because Downs didn’t want to play the kid in a game. The disabled child was hit in the head and groin by a baseball. Downs faces charges including criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and corruption of minors. Not sure why he’s getting off so easy. If Downs were an employer, he’d clearly be facing a discrimination lawsuit and more. Plus, do his actions constitute a hate crime? The inevitable sentencing should involve letting NY Yankees ace Randy Johnson hurl fastballs at Down’s groin. Then broadcast it 24/7 on ESPN SportsCenter.