Essay Sixty-Seven

Courthouse grueling rulings brought to you by MultiCultClassics Minutes…

• Lil’ Kim is going to the big house. A judge sentenced her to a year and a day for fibbing to a grand jury to protect pals involved in a 2001 shooting. Not sure what motivated a year and a day — seems like a sick lil’ joke.

• Slave descendants seeking reparations had their lawsuit dismissed by U.S. District Judge Charles R. Norgle. The judge proclaimed that while slavery sucked, seeking reparations “more than a century after the end of the Civil War and the formal abolition of slavery fails.” Norgle also said the plaintiffs didn’t prove personal injury from slavery, insisting genealogical ties to slaves aren’t enough to show injury, blah, blah, blah. OK, how about settling for a year and a day’s worth of reparations?

• A mistrial was declared in the Notorious B.I.G. wrongful death case, as the judge expressed concern that the LAPD deliberately withheld evidence. Hard to believe the cops did something naughty on purpose — maybe it accidentally slipped past because they were too busy beating Black motorists.

• Drug addict and notorious big asshole Rush Limbaugh is still stalling his court battles. Portions of his medical records were turned over to prosecutors for the investigation. But the junkie’s attorney retrieved certain documents containing privileged and potentially embarrassing information about treatment and symptoms not related to the probe — probably liposuction and erectile dysfunction procedures, accompanied by symptoms like drug-induced delusions of grandeur.

• In a bizarre twist, O.J. Simpson was viciously attacked by his girlfriend. Christie Prody, the girlfriend, denied the charges — and she vowed to launch a search for the real O.J. attacker.