Essay 109

Beep. “Wanna get with the sluttiest girls your imagination can dream up? We can be whatever you want us to be, baby. After all, it’s your imagination.”

>> That’s the message heard by low-income customers seeking financial help from We Energies in Milwaukee. A mailer sent to 4,000 customers had a typo in the phone number, leading folks to a sex line. On the positive side, the mailer probably received the highest response rate in We Energies’ history.

Beep. “The criminal charges against the defendants are unconstitutional attempts to regulate in the area of enforcement of immigration violations, an area where Congress must be deemed to have regulated with such civil sanctions and criminal penalties as it feels are sufficient.”

>> That’s the message from New Hampshire Judge L. Phillips Runyon, who declared a tactic to combat illegal immigration was illegal. Clever police in the towns of New Ipswich and Hudson sought to charge immigrants with criminal trespassing. But the judge ruled the actions couldn’t be upheld, stating federal authorities must deal with immigration matters. In response, the cops have started brainstorming with MacGyver.

Beep. “Help them find their strength.”

>> That’s the message in a new campaign for the U.S. Army designed to persuade parents to not stop their kids from enlisting. The Leo Burnett-created commercials feature kids and their parents discussing the decision to sign up and serve. Wonder how many Leo Burnett employees have children in the Army. If the spots fail to increase recruiting, maybe the cops in New Hampshire could convince illegal immigrants to join.

Beep. “Ethnic cleansing.”

>> That’s the message Rev. Allan Ramirez used to describe the methods employed by officials in Farmingville, New York to deal with illegal immigrants. Ramirez also incorporated “Gestapo tactics” into his protests against County Executive Steve Levy, who has led the crackdown. Recent actions included the police evicting hundreds of illegally packed homes. Advocates responded by erecting tents for the evicted day laborers.

Beep. “The lunatic fringe.”

>> That’s the message County Executive Steve Levy used to describe his critics.

Beep. “We think these sandwiches are so fancy you can take it home and serve it on a date with a candlestick.”

>> That’s the message from Ronald McDonald as he presented Mickey D’s new Premium Chicken Sandwiches. Consumers can actually enjoy more nutritional value and hearty flavor by eating a candlestick.