Essay Ninety-Five

Doing double takes with MultiCultClassics Minutes…

• Five months ago at a Congressional hearing, Baltimore Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmiero insisted, “I have never used steroids. Period.” After failing a recent drug test, Palmiero insisted, “I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period.” Who coached this guy — Bill Clinton?

• Homeland Security arrested nearly 600 alleged gang members, most of whom were in the country illegally. Officials called the punks “a threat to our homeland security and ... a very urgent law enforcement priority.” Whatever. Maybe the organization should change its name to Homieland Security.

• The pharmaceutical industry is adopting new advertising guidelines, including efforts to more clearly communicate drug side effects to consumers. Given the dense disclaimer copy already present in most of these ads, the only enhancement would have to involve photos and actual demonstrations.

• Not sure which is crazier: Jimi Hendrix allegedly pretending to be gay to avoid serving in Vietnam, or someone actually believing his ruse.

• Rumors indicate OJ Simpson may be creating his own reality TV show. Potential titles and themes:
> CSI: OJ
> Desperate Ex-Wives
> Stalking Bobby Brown
> The Best Damn Sports Murderer On TV
> When Animals Attack — oops, that one’s already taken
> America’s Funniest Homicide Videos