Essay 385

Hey, Mister — It’s another MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• R. Kelly plans to tour nationwide under a new name — Mr. Show Biz. Guess it sounds more catchy than Mr. Child Pornographer.

• Mr. Accused Child Molester — aka Michael Jackson — is being considered to sing a prayer by Pope John Paul II on a special CD. An Italian reverend brainstormed the idea, which still needs to be sold to the Vatican. Talk about the perfect gift for those altar-boy-loving priests.

• Police continue to investigate leads in the Busta Rhymes shooting (see Essay 383). Initial questioning involves members of 50 Cent’s G-Unit posse. One person of interest has already sought legal counsel that announced, “Based on my advice, [the person of interest] will not, and does not, speak to prosecuting authorities. He never has, and he doesn’t plan on it.” Looks like they’ve found Mr. Shooter.

• D.C. Council member and former mayor Marion Barry will be sentenced tomorrow for tax crimes. Prosecutors are recommending that Barry must submit to regular drug testing to avoid prison time. No comment yet from Mr. Crack Addict.

• General Motors Corp. announced plans to cut its yearly dividend in half, cut health benefits for salaried retirees and cut the salaries of its chairman and senior executive team. No word yet regarding any plans to build better cars.

• New York voters who speak Chinese and Korean have filed a federal lawsuit. The group claims the city fails to offer help at the polls to voters with limited English. Let’s get this straight. These folks can’t figure out voting instructions, but they have no problem filing a federal lawsuit?