Essay 663

The apocalypse is definitely upon us with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• New Draft FCB Group CEO Howard Draft (pictured above) said, “A client told me that now, when I launch a product, I don’t have to call an army of agencies. … I can have one company that is great in all areas and drive my business from an ROI standpoint with highly creative solutions.” Um, there are just a few problems with this notion. FCB was never great in any area. Plus, Draft and FCB were never considered capable of delivering highly creative solutions. In fact, the press releases and interview quotes coming from this merger may be the most breakthrough hype either shop has produced in decades.

• Golf wunderkind Michelle Wie failed in her attempt to qualify for the Men’s U.S. Open. If Wie is permitted to try out for the men’s tournaments, what’s to stop someone like John Daly from joining the women’s competition just to pick up some easy beer money?

• The National Guard officially started working along the Mexican border on Monday, supporting the Border Patrol in stopping the flow of illegal immigrants. “It’s exciting to do something that’s relevant to the safety of the United States,” said one unit commander. “There is a sense of excitement when you are doing something real-world.” Actually, the real-world test happens once they set up a detention camp.

• Verizon will pay about $49 million to over 12,000 former and current employees, settling a lawsuit charging pregnancy discrimination. The legal action was originally initiated against Nynex and Bell Atlantic, Verizon’s predecessors. “This comes out of a different era,” said a Verizon spokesman. “The people who were here then by and large don’t work for the company anymore. We think our record today is exemplary, and this was not an admission of having done anything wrong. It is simply a matter of trying to get this behind us to move on.” Can you pay me now? Good.

• DMX should change his name DMV. The rapper-actor was pulled over in New York for driving at “unreasonable speeds.” Given his past violations, including crashing into an airport security gate and driving at over 100 mph, it’s pretty clear he has his own definition for “unreasonable.”

• On Monday, the Nicholas Minucci hate-crime trial featured a hip-hop guru who proclaimed that using the N-Word doesn’t mean you’re racist. “A white kid with gold fronts, sagging britches — he gets a pass,” said the self-proclaimed expert. “In this day and age, the sting has been taken away from [the N-Word].” Guess the defense will also try to argue that beating someone’s skull with a baseball bat is a common display of endearment among homies.