Essay 690

Unhealthy thoughts in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A consumer group is suing Colonel Sanders to stop frying stuff in unhealthy fat. “Trans fat is almost everywhere on [the KFC] menu. By frying in such a dangerous oil, KFC is making its unsuspecting consumers’ arteries Extra Crispy,” said a consumer group spokesperson. Maybe the fast feeder’s tagline should be revised to “Chicken Capital Offense USA.”

• A retired Wisconsin farmer wants to create a memorial to Adolf Hitler. The farmer had served in the German army during World War II. “I like the U.S.,” he said. “I can’t understand why people don’t know the truth. This is for understanding, not hate.” Hope the man will understand when people hate him.

• An investigation has found FEMA handed out over $1.4 billion in fake assistance to Hurricane Katrina victims. Shysters used the money for everything from porn videos to vacations to season tickets to New Orleans Saints football games. Although one could argue the Saints presented greater disasters than the hurricane.

• Physicist Stephen Hawking proclaimed that mankind must ultimately leave Earth to inhabit other places in the universe, as there are increasing indications that our planet will be destroyed. “It is important for the human race to spread out into space for the survival of the species,” said Hawking. “Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of.” Hawking’s “work has been highly theoretical physics, not in astrophysics or global politics or anything like that,” said an astrophysicist from MIT. “He is certainly stepping outside his research domain.” Actually, Hawking can’t step at all.