Essay 1179

I Believe I Can Lie in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A longtime associate of R. Kelly filed a lawsuit claiming he was beaten by the singer and his posse last February. The associate insists the R&B star always viewed him as an uncle, but Kelly allegedly kicked his ass even after the man cried uncle. “R. Kelly… grabs me, hits me upside the head and takes me into the basement [of R. Kelly’s estate],” said the accuser, claiming the assault continued downstairs. A Kelly spokesman denied the charges and declared, “His lawsuit is a pathetic collection of half-truths, distortions and outright lies.” Hey, accused child pornographer R. Kelly is no stranger to half-truths, distortions and outright lies.

• The U.S. Department of Transportation reported a record high for air travelers’ luggage problems in August. 437,000 checked bags were lost, delayed, damaged or stolen, which averaged to about 14,100 per day. R. Kelly vehemently denied roughing up anyone’s stuff.

• An Illinois high school coach was suspended for a game after taping a Nazi phrase on players’ lockers. The phrase — “Work will set you free” — became infamous after Nazis posted it at the entrance of death camps like Auschwitz. The apologetic coach insisted he was unaware of the phrase’s origin. However, next preseason he plans to hold practices called, “Mein Training Kampf.”