Essay 1416

Heartfelt News in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Heart Attack Grill in Arizona has pissed off health-care officials, but not for its Quadruple Bypass Burger, Flatliner Fries and other nasty offerings. No, folks are upset because the waitresses wear skimpy nurses’ uniforms (pictured above). “Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession,” said the executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy. “We’re asking people, if they’re going to have these fantasies, please don’t make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions.” The restaurant owner disagrees. “If anything, I think it glorifies nurses to be thought of as a physically attractive and desirable individual,” said the owner. “There’s a Faye Dunaway, Florence Nightingale hipness to it. Nobody wants to think of themselves as some old battle ax who changes bedpans for a living.” Sounds like this guy just verified the contentions of the executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy.

• Eddie Murphy may soon be seeking a nurse. Despite the man’s contentions that Scary Spice is not carrying his baby (see Essay 1407), the singer says otherwise. “I am obviously upset and distressed at some of the comments made by Eddie Murphy to the media,” said the former Spice Girl. “I have no idea why anybody would want to conduct themselves in this kind of manner about such a personal matter in such a public way. My main concern is for the well-being of my daughter, Phoenix, and of course the baby. I was astonished what Eddie said. There is absolutely no question that Eddie is the father.” Right now, Murphy probably feels like he swallowed a Quadruple Bypass Burger.

• Wesley Snipes returned to the U.S. to face charges of tax fraud. The actor, who has been filming a movie in Africa, was released on $1 million bond after turning himself in to Florida authorities. “I look forward to clearing my name and resolving this issue posthaste,” said Snipes. Plus, he’s hoping like hell that the $1 million bond is tax-deductible.

• New York cops believe hip-hop radio personality DJ Carl Blaze was shot over a grudge. The DJ took 13 bullets on Thursday. Yeah, heaven forbid hip-hop DJs should ever be involved in random shootings.

• The Indian Council of Medical Research released a report that may ultimately lead to racial stereotyping. The researchers claim that 60 percent of Indian men have trouble using condoms because their penises are smaller than the international norm — by at least one inch. The report even wrote, “Indian men don’t measure up.” Wonder if drugstores in India will start carrying “Trojan Minis.”

• Regarding the Draft FCB/Wal-Mart fiasco, the following excerpt from The New York Times tells it all:

>>In an interview, John Fleming, the chief marketing officer at Wal-Mart, said the company had indeed begun to backtrack from sleeker advertising that emphasized style over price. Customer research, he said, showed that, rich or poor, Wal-Mart customers “care about unbeatable prices.”

“I don’t think Wal-Mart advertising is ever going to be edgy,” he said last night. “I do not think that fits our brand. Our brand is about saving people money.”<<

Despite all attempts to sensationalize the details, it looks like fired advertising director Julie Roehm was simply not Wal-Mart’s cup of tasteless tea.

Ironically, Draft FCB might have been the perfect choice to deliver the “edgy-less” work Wal-Mart is seeking.