Essay 3045

From The Chicago Sun-Times…

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Frivolous ad trivializes heart-rending decision

BY PATRICK T. MURPHY

For the past two years, I have been hearing divorce and domestic violence cases. Divorce lawyers sometimes get a bad rap. However, I have been impressed by most of the lawyers who have appeared in front of me. Most attempt to shepherd their clients through difficult and painful times with minimum stress and rancor while charging a reasonable fee. Most.

Recently two divorce lawyers sponsored a billboard in Chicago that gained nationwide notoriety. The billboard gave the names and phone number of the attorneys and stated: “Life’s short. Get a divorce.” The billboard contained two enormous photographs -- one of a nearly naked young woman with apparently surgically enhanced breasts and one of a nearly naked young man with an apparently steroid-enhanced body.

Some critics have inferred that the message of the billboard was: Get a divorce, and if you hire these lawyers you most certainly will end up with a much more exciting companion. And I suspect that the subliminal message had this or some equally sleazy message. But anyone who actually believes this drivel deserves the lawyers, and their spouse is most certainly better off without him or her. The real problem with this frivolous ad is that it trivializes one of the most painful and momentous events in the lives of many people.

Often couples find that they cannot continue in the relationship. They grow apart. Finances, children, in-laws and debt pick people apart. Arguments increase. Words become vicious. Children cower in corners. The pain becomes overwhelming, and the parties must separate and divorce, for their own sanity and that of their children.

Recently, I dealt with the case of a wonderful young couple and their five beautiful and intelligent children. Divorce was inevitable. But the children were torn, as were the parents. The kids obviously want their parents to stay together and to be happy, but at some level recognized that this was impossible. One child, a 10-year-old boy, wished to live with his dad although he loved his mom and wanted to see her. The others were ambivalent but wanted to remain together.

The parents desperately loved all their children. In the end, one will become the residential parent while the other will visit three or four days every two weeks but miss much of the excitement that goes with having the children every day. And even the residential parent will suffer by not having the children on a daily basis.

The parties will also have to sell their home because neither can afford to keep it up without the assistance of the other. Nothing frivolous or trivial here.

Every day, men and women step up in front of me with tears welling up in their eyes, even sobbing, while becoming divorced. They are recalling the courtship, the first kiss, the wedding day, the news of the first pregnancy, the sacrifices to purchase the first home, the day one of them lost a job, the serious illness suffered by one of the kids, the great report card, the day the son got suspended for fighting in school, the picnic in the park, the trip to Disneyland, the cold nights in a warm bed together. In most divorces, there still is a great deal of love, appreciation for what was and warmth for the other party.

Yes, there are the recriminations, pettiness, jealousy and hatred. But most frequently, the good and the bad emotions are all swirling around together. And that is what creates the pain and misery in even the most inevitable of divorces.

Most who are muddling through a divorce need the help of an attorney dedicated to his or her needs and sensitive to his or her pain. The billboard in question did little for the dignity of the divorce bar. Worse, it gives those going through divorces little confidence in finding an understanding attorney to help them through this most complex and emotional of times.

Patrick T. Murphy is a judge in the Domestic Relations division of the Circuit Court of Cook County and hears divorce and domestic violence cases.