5105: Teeth, Dentures And Biting Remarks.

Digesting the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• An ancient tooth found in Greece has paleontologists believing Neanderthals were much more mobile than once thought. “Our findings prove that … their settlement networks were broader and more organized than we believed,” said one researcher. Following the final analysis, Chuck Norris will probably request that the tooth be returned to John McCain.

• Nobel Prize author Doris Lessing believes Barack Obama would be assassinated if he were elected as president. During an interview, the writer remarked, “He would probably not last long, a Black man in the position of president. They would kill him.” Lessing did not elaborate on who might do the deed. Despite the fact that the writer is 88 years old, Chuck Norris probably wholeheartedly agrees with her.

• PETA is protesting KFC again, this time because State Rep. Charles Siler is seeking to make fried chicken Kentucky’s official picnic chow. “If the state legislature moves forward with this one, then they should change Kentucky’s state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken,” said a PETA vice president. Sorry, KFC probably already has the copyright to that image.

• Polaroid announced plans to completely drop instant film products. The company already quit making instant film cameras for consumers a year ago. Wonder how long before Polaroid instantly vanishes altogether.

• Hillary Clinton officially responded to MSNBC anchor David Shuster’s remarks that the senator’s campaign “pimped out” Chelsea Clinton. “I am a mom first and a candidate second,” said Clinton. “I found the remarks incredibly offensive.” Clinton also write a letter to MSNBC honchos that stated, “Nothing justifies the kind of debasing language that David Shuster used and no temporary suspension or halfhearted apology is sufficient.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has no problem pimping out hubby Bill for campaign efforts.

• The mother of Michael Jackson’s kids is upset over photos of the children without their signature veils. “The veils were my idea, not Michael’s,” said Jacko’s ex-wife in an interview. “I had kidnap threats when they were babies. I did not want them to be recognized. I’m not happy they’ve been photographed without the veils.” Um, wish the woman would don a veil herself.