5741: The Right To Remain Stupid.

Fighting The Man in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• California has become the first state to ban trans fats in restaurants, a move that will affect about 88,000 places. A new bill signed by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger calls for trans fats to be removed from restaurant by 2010, and from retail baked goods by 2011. Of course, online protestors are typing out with comments like, “Am I living in America or the Third Reich? What happened to freedom of choice? I’m not a child, I can make this decision without the intervention of the government.” Of course, it should be noted that this fatty freedom fighter is probably nothing more than a PR hack or lobbyist on fast feeders’ payrolls.

• California can’t ban the Minutemen, who took back their Adopt-A-Highway position in San Diego after being initially relocated. “We are all thrilled to see our Adopt-a-Highway recognition sign back up, standing more proudly than ever,” said the anti-illegal immigration group’s founder. “The U.S. Constitution has thankfully trumped the lies and coercion of the illegal alien activists. … Thank you to Americans nationwide who helped us win this critical legal fight for our rights and to have our message heard by all America!” OK, guys, now please go back to picking up the garbage along the highway.

• A detective seeking to serve a subpoena to people in the court hearings involving embattled Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick ran into an unexpected obstacle: Kwame Kilpatrick. The detective said Kilpatrick assaulted him while hurling expletives. Kilpatrick was reprimanded by a judge for his actions and ordered to post $7,500 and undergo drug testing. “I don’t know what was going on in defendant Kilpatrick’s life that he exploded, for want of a better term,” said the judge. “This is ridiculous.” Next time, Kilpatrick should just text his expletives.

• Know those hilarious commercials with Coke Zero enthusiasts trying to sue Coke? Well, advertising fiction is becoming reality, as a Chicago businessman has filed a lawsuit charging Coke with stealing his idea for Coke Zero. Talk about a persuasive advertising campaign.