6563: Wrapping The News.

News digestion in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions in a soft flour tortilla. Mickey D’s has unleashed the Snack Wrap Mac—the innards of a Big Mac rolled into a tortilla—in Canadian test markets. Can’t help but think the McR&D folks are inherently lazy. Every “innovation” seems to essentially involve adding a patty or repurposing the existing grill debris. Why not just dump everything into a blender for McPuree?

• President Barack Obama apologized for a joke he made on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. While discussing bowling, Obama quipped his skills were “like Special Olympics or something.” He later called Special Olympics Chairman Tim Shriver to offer his regrets. Obama probably meant to say his skills were like McR&D workers or something.

• Sony will impose a one-year salary freeze for its full-time Japanese employees. The workers will probably set up PrayStations to hope PlayStations lead to PayStations.

• Ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was interviewed for CNN, saying he worked the past 12 months repairing his marriage and family life. Spitzer remarked, “I have spent a year with my family—with my wonderful and amazing and forgiving wife and three daughters —and we’ll rebuild those relationships, and hope to do that as time goes on.” His wife probably imposed a freeze on high-priced hookers.

• Walmart is paying out bonuses to its workers, as the retailer enjoyed a profitable year. Let’s hope the employees stimulate the economy by spending the extra loot on Snack Wrap Macs, PlayStations and Prostitutes.