Essay Forty

Guilty pleasures brought to you by MultiCultClassics Minutes:

• Chris Tucker pleaded guilty to racing his Bentley at 109 mph and eluding cops in what must have looked like a Rush Hour sequel sans Jackie Chan. Tucker insisted he was oblivious to the sirens, merely hurrying to church. This brings a whole new meaning to DWB — Driving While Baptist.

• 50 Cent pleaded a deal with prosecutors for racing into a crowd, stomping two women and punching a third during a 2004 concert. The agreement requires the rapper to remain drug-free for two years. Judge Robert Kumor gave his two cents to 50 Cent, saying he has a responsibility to be a positive role model. The judge declared, “You’re a cross-cultural entertainer. You have an obligation to people in society.” Wow. If that scolding doesn’t reform him, nothing will.

• Investigators have connected the mysterious severed finger to its owner in the infamous Wendy’s Chili Case. The digit belonged to an associate of the alleged perpetrator’s husband. However, detectives are still unable to determine the baffling ingredients of a typical McGriddles® breakfast sandwich.

• High school students in Evanston, Illinois want to battle Rush Limbaugh. The radio personality dissed the kids, questioning their intelligence and criticizing their multicultural curriculum. Rush ranted over multiculturalists, arguing they believe “American culture is discriminatory, racist, sexist, bigoted and homophobic.” Actually, multiculturalists believe Limbaugh is discriminatory, racist, sexist, bigoted and homophobic. The Evanston students challenged Limbaugh to a debate on American history. They would easily beat the blowhard. However, Limbaugh clearly knows more than the teens about illegal drug use.