Essay 226

‘Round Midnight MultiCultClassics Minutes…

• A woman in Iowa found a dead turtle in her package of Folgers coffee. A Procter & Gamble spokesperson speculated it might have occurred during Hurricane Katrina, as Folgers manufacturing plants are based in New Orleans. No word yet if the company plans to capitalize on the disaster by introducing a special Hurricane flavor of Folgers. Now with juicy turtle bits!

• The Bush administration may sue Southern Illinois University over the school’s minority and female fellowship programs that allegedly discriminate against Whites. Now there’s a perfect way for Dubya to woo Black voters — by filing lawsuits in defense of White folks. Hey, it would be perfect to let Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas rule a final verdict.

• A new survey showed nearly 60 percent of Americans think President Bush is dishonest. The other 40 percent know he’s a fucking liar.

• A Black alderman from Milwaukee claimed to be a victim of racism after cops allegedly manhandled him during a traffic-related incident. The alderman said the arresting officer punched him in the ear and bashed his head against the hood of the squad car. Police probably insisted the alderman got off easy, as the standard procedure for Black motorists also involves stun guns and knees to the groin.

• Wal-Mart received an early holiday gift — activists complaining about the retailer’s views on Christmas. The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights insisted Wal-Mart insults Christians by opting for “Happy Holidays” versus “Merry Christmas.” Actually, the megastore is offending the public with a truly corny holiday commercial starring Destiny’s Child. Yes, those stylish sistahs are definitely frequent shoppers in the Wal-Mart fashion department.