8080: Motorola Phones It In.

Motorola celebrates the 65th anniversary of Ebony magazine by emphasizing a shared history of innovation. Um, Motorola hasn’t produced anything innovative since the RAZR mobile phone.

6713: Cinco De Mayor.

Voting for good news with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Detroit citizens will cast ballots today for the next mayor, pitting current Mayor Ken Cockrel Jr. against ex-NBA star Dave Bing. Voter turnout is expected to be low. Maybe folks should be allowed to cast votes via text message.

• Kraft Foods reported 1Q profits rose 10 percent, despite a drop in sales. If sales had completely evaporated, would Kraft profits have gone through the roof?

• Motorola announced plans to cut spending by an additional $200 million, and imagines its new smart phones will be a success. Wanna bet $200 million on that prediction?

• Mickey D’s is launching a huge campaign for its premium coffee, taking aim at the struggling Starbucks brand. Fine, just don’t start calling the crew McBaristas.

6342: Waaaaay Better Than The Real News.

Skipping breakfast with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Wendy’s announced plans to dramatically cut the number of restaurants serving breakfast items, and will relaunch its morning menu nationwide in 2011. Guess consumers don’t think the Steak and Egg Breakfast Sandwich is waaaaay better than, well, nothing.

• Motorola announced plans to cut 4,000 more jobs in 2009. Probably because they’ve failed to come up with anything that’s waaaaay better than the iPhone.

• New studies show surgeons and nurses could reduce the number of operating room deaths by over 40 percent with a simple checklist. The top tip on the list: Don’t accidentally kill the patient.

• Naomi Campbell settled the lawsuit with her ex-maid, who charged the supermodel beat and belittled her. Wonder if Campbell also threw in a cell phone.

• Tiffany reported holiday sales dropped 21 percent, as even the wealthy among us opted to cut back spending. Maybe Paloma Picasso could turn things around by designing a Barack Obama pendant.

6107: Discarding And Disconnecting.

Dangling members in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Membership no longer has its privileges at American Express, especially for 7,000 employees slated for termination in 2009. Before long, Amex will be eligible for its own Open small business card.

• Motorola plans to lay of 3,000 employees in the next two quarters. The cuts will happen across the globe and begin immediately. Employees are encouraged to not answer their cellphones if they see the HR director’s name in their caller ID.

• Comcast reported 3Q profits jumped 38 percent. Bob Garfield’s blood pressure probably did likewise.

5320: Making The Cut.

Cutting remarks in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London’s Heathrow airport for allegedly punching and spitting at a cop. Hard to believe Campbell would do such a thing. Guess she didn’t have her cell phone handy to hurl.

• Whitney Houston is probably looking to spit on Bobby Brown, who trashed her in his new autobiography. Excerpts include, “I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married. … I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children. … I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine.” The most amazing revelation is that Brown is even capable of writing.

• Lil Jon is moving beyond crunk juice to launch a wine label. “I’m not no ‘drink wine every day’ kind of dude,” said the winemaker. “I’m not like an expert, so don’t ask me no questions … I just like the taste.” Guess he’s more of a crunk connoisseur.

• Dell plans to cut more than the 8,800 employees it announced would be terminated last year. It’s not a good sign when a computer company can’t accurately compute its own workforce reductions.

• Motorola plans to cut an additional 2,600 employees, bringing its yearly termination total to over 10,000. The unofficial title for the moves: Razr Cuts.

5287: Retractions And Redialing.

Bad calls in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Los Angeles Times apologized for running a story based on documents implying associates of Sean Combs were involved with the murder of Tupac Shakur. It appears the documents are bogus. “The bottom line is that the documents we relied on should not have been used,” wrote an L.A. Times editor. “We apologize both to our readers and to those referenced in the documents … and in the story.” Diddy’s pals probably want to kill the folks at the newspaper.

• Motorola announced plans to slice off its cell phone division to create two separate publicly traded companies. The announcement was probably made via text message to employees’ iPhones.

5076: Bulking Up And Shedding Weight.

Pre-game hype in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent performed a pre-game Super Bowl concert last Thursday, drawing celebrities including Deion Sanders, Ludacris, Mekhi Phifer and Paris Hilton. Um, wonder if Fiddy violates the NFL’s steroid policy.

• Don’t look for Motorola to make an appearance at the Super Bowl, except on the coaches’ headsets. The company is mulling shedding its cell phone business. Seems the once-innovative phone creator can’t keep up with consumer tastes. A statement revealed Motorola is “exploring the structural and strategic realignment of its business to better equip its Mobile Devices business to recapture global market leadership and to enhance shareholder value.” Um, they ought to update their corporate-speak too.