8742: Clowning Around.

A midweek MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent is launching a comedy site, with proceeds going to Japan’s relief fund. Um, is this an apology for his “comedic response” to the disaster in Japan?

• The White House released a copy of President Obama’s birth certificate. In a press conference, President Obama said, “I know there is going to be a segment of people for which no matter what we put out this issue will not be put to rest. But I am speaking to the vast majority of the American people, as well as to the press. We do not have time for this kind of silliness. We’ve got better stuff to do.” Donald Trump offered this silly response: “I am really honored and I am really proud, that I was able to do something that nobody else could do.” Apparently, not everyone has better stuff to do.

• A new poll showed Baby Boomers do not have major age-related problems in the workplace. According to the poll, 61 percent say their age is not an issue at work, and 25 percent think it is an asset. The figures do not apply at all to the advertising industry.

8616: 110 Percent Insanity.

Percentages and pinheads in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Add this statistic to the 46 percent of Republicans who think President Obama is a Muslim: In the U.K., nearly 20 percent of adults believe light sabers exist, and 25 percent believe people can be teleported. Maybe Burger King’s CEO was onto something.

• 50 Cent and Gilbert Gottfried are taking heat for tweets that made light of the disaster in Japan. Fiddy’s comments included, “Look this is very serious people. I had to evacuate all my hoe’s from LA, Hawaii and Japan. I had to do it. Lol.” Gottfried chipped in, “I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.’” Wow, these guys should be writing for Groupon.

• A new survey showed 42 percent of millionaires don’t feel wealthy. Maybe that explains why so many of them consistently fuck up their tax returns.

7967: Sneak Attacks.

Unexpected outbursts in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Michael Richards is being sued for allegedly attacking an LA photographer. Two questions immediately come to mind:

1) Was the photographer Black?
2) Why the hell would anyone want to photograph Michael Richards?

• GLAAD is attacking 50 Cent for tweeting threatening comments to Perez Hilton. Fiddy’s tweet featured a violent photograph of two men running from a crowd with the comment, “Perez Hilton calld me douchebag so I had my homie shoot up a gay wedding. wasnt his but still made me feel better.” A GLAAD spokesman said, “It’s wrong to make jokes and promote violence against the gay community. Taking down the post is not enough. We wanted him to tell his Twitter followers that what he did was wrong.” That’s like asking Michael Richards to calm down.

7332: Fiddy, Filibuster And F-Word.

Tuesday talk in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent said he wants to team up with Susan Boyle. “Susan Boyle is hot right now. I got to get her on a track, for real. We’d make a hit,” said Fiddy. “She’s got an amazing voice, and together we’d get everyone dancing.” The rapper even wants to hang out with Boyle. “I’d love to take her clubbing, show her around my world. She’d have a great time.” Just keep her away from Tiger Woods.

• Senate Majority Leader Henry Reid compared GOP leaders trying to halt President Obama’s health care plan to past politicians who sought to delay slavery and other movements for equality. “Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all Republicans have come up with is this, ‘Slow down, stop everything, let’s start over,’” said Reid. “You think you’ve heard these same excuses before? You’re right. When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said, ‘Slow down, it’s too early. Let’s wait. Things aren’t bad enough.’ When women spoke up for the right to speak up, they wanted to vote, some insisted, ‘Slow down, there will be a better day to do that. The day isn’t quite right.’ When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone, regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats that we hear today.” Yeah, but the typical Madison Avenue executives make GOP leaders look like amateurs.

• A transgender teen in Florida is suing McDonald’s for allegedly refusing to interview her for a job. One manager even left the student a voicemail stating, “We do not hire faggots.” Nice. Shouldn’t the manager have added, “Would you like some fries with that?”

7271: Ringing Registers.

Running the total news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The New York Post reported 50 Cent won his lawsuit against Taco Bell for using his name in a promotion without permission. It’s safe to say the artist will receive considerably more than 50 cents.

• A City Council committee in Los Angeles will discuss the $3.2 million spent for the Michael Jackson memorial, with some officials calling for a reimbursement from the event organizer. Too bad Taco Bell didn’t mention Jacko in a taco promotion.

• An unidentified Russian billionaire has allegedly purchased a Mercedes-Benz owned by Adolf Hitler for up to $15 million. He should have held out for a Black Friday deal.

7260: Sunday Comics.

Weekend wrap-up with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Michael Jackson’s iconic glove worn when the artist presented his trademark moonwalk sold at an auction on Saturday for $350,000. Which is roughly $350,000 more than folks would bid for any item belonging to Jackie, Tito, Jermaine or Marlon.

• Sportscaster Marv Albert denied getting into a fistfight with 50 Cent during an appearance at Jimmy Kimmel Live. Albert insisted, “I couldn’t even tell you what the guy looked like or what the security guard looked like.” Albert always seemed more like a Vanilla Ice fan.

• Rapper DMX was caught speeding again—although this time, he’s accused of running from a scheduled celebrity boxing match. The promoters filed a $1 million lawsuit against DMX for backing out. Plus, Coolio has been signed to replace DMX. Guess Marv Albert wasn’t available.

• News reports claim O.J. Simpson is spending his time in jail watching TV and counseling fellow inmates on topics like racial harmony and anger management. Now Simpson is an expert on anger management?

6086: Hop Sing In The House.

Singing along with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Metromedia Restaurant Group, which owns the Ponderosa and Bonanza Steakhouse brands, filed for bankruptcy with the restaurants. Guess Hop Sing will be looking for a new job soon.

• Speaking of Hip Hop singers (OK, it’s not the smoothest segue), 50 Cent reached a settlement with his ex-girlfriend over visitation rights for their 11-year-old kid. The son will spend one weekend per month with Fiddy, plus a month in the summer and half of his spring and winter breaks. No word on who gets to keep the fire-gutted house.

• Allstate reported a 3Q loss of $923 million, citing hurricane-related losses and the continuing financial crisis. Would the financial crisis be categorized as a man-made disaster?

• AT&T reported 3Q earnings rose 5.5 percent, probably thanks to subsidized iPhone sales. There’s nothing like riding Steve Jobs’ coattails to profits—it’s the only network you need.

• Chrysler announced plans to cut 1,825 jobs, while GM is cutting employee benefits. Gee, if these two auto companies do merge, will anyone want to work there?

5934: Court Nutcases.

Courtroom dramas and sitcoms in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A New York judge dumped two lawsuits by three people who appeared in the 2006 Borat movie. The individuals accused the movie producers of deceiving them over their roles in the film; however, the judge pointed out they had accepted loot and signed agreements. Guess these folks need some cultural learnings of American contract laws.

• A judge allowed 50 Cent the right to see his son regularly while battling for custody with the child’s mother. He’ll probably take the kid to see Borat.

• During jury selection for the O.J. Simpson trial, one prospective juror talked her way out of eligibility. “He chose to put himself in the public eye,” declared the woman. “He should be a little more self-conscious of his actions. … I think as far as the first trial, I felt he got away with murder!” Guess the woman needs some cultural learnings of American jury system.

5930: Hanging With The Homeboys. And Hos.

Pre-trial news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• What will 50 Cent do before the custody trial over his 11-year-old son? “I’m going to hang out with some hos, make some movies, make some music, and continue to kick it,” declared Fiddy. Gee, we wonder how this trial will turn out.

• O.J. Simpson can’t catch a break. He was pulled over in Nevada after stopping at a gas station because a customer called the cops to say Juice was juiced. As it turned out, Simpson was sober. Just goes to show that the man is occasionally innocent.

• Mickey D’s worldwide sales jumped 14.5 percent in August. Um, does the planet Earth have a weight limit?

5849: Playing The Culture Cards.

The very best MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Hallmark is releasing a line of gay marriage cards. “It’s our goal to be as relevant as possible to as many people as we can,” said a Hallmark spokeswoman. Look for lots of usage of rainbow colors and the words pride and fabulous. Wonder if Hallmark will tap its Peanuts relationship and also integrate Peppermint Patty.

• The Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon has adopted a law recognizing same-sex marriage. Tribal law experts believe the Coquille will be the first tribe to sanction such unions. Hallmark is probably creating a special card right now.

• Candy seller Mars plans to raise its prices in October. Wonder if Snickers bars will cost extra for GLBT consumers.

• Seems 50 Cent wound up talking with investigators after all regarding the fire that destroyed his Long Island home. However, no one’s talking about the details of the conversation. Maybe Hallmark can create a line of cards for… ah, never mind.

5847: Fat Facts And Faces.

Facing the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Burger King’s fiscal 4Q profits soared 42 percent. Bet the obesity epidemic soared even higher.

• A new study of hockey players showed men with wide faces are more aggressive. “One great thing about hockey is that you’re able to display aggressive behavior in an acceptable manner. You don’t have to go to prison or whatnot for striking someone with an elbow. It makes a good setting to look at aggression,” said one researcher. Um, this guy needs to do more research. Another researcher remarked, “We were astounded to see that this relatively simple measurement in the face predicted how aggressive men were in a lab-based computer game, and then equally astounded to see that the same measure could predict aggressive behavior in a real-world setting, that of sports.” Wonder how the results work out in a real-world setting like Burger King. Might explain the reactions in the recent Freakout campaign.

• 50 Cent reportedly refuses to talk to investigators about the May 30 fire that destroyed his Long Island home where his ex-girlfriend and son lived. Blame the stonewalling on his wide face.

5612: Think Outside The Gun.

Adfreak noted 50 Cent is pissed off at Taco Bell. The fast food joint’s president publicly asked the rapper to switch his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent for a day to promote the Taco Bell value menu—all in exchange for a $10,000 charitable donation. “This is a sleazy and ill-conceived publicity stunt by Taco Bell’s president, Greg Creed, whose disingenuous offer was leaked to the press before it was even presented to 50 Cent’s agent…” said a rep for the rapper. Fiddy added, “When my legal team is finished with them, Taco Bell is going to have a new corporate slogan: ‘We messed with the bull and got the horns!’”

Not sure why Taco Bell is interested in hooking up with Fiddy anyway. Maybe the fast feeder is unhappy with the rap performances of its drive-thru wiggers. Also, Taco Bell should be relieved a judge recently ordered Fiddy to surrender all his guns.

5604: You Have One Racist Message.

Checking voicemail with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Charlie Sheen is catching heat for a voicemail message to ex-wife Denise Richards. In the voicemail, Sheen called Richards a “fucking [N-word],” even though she isn’t Black. Sheen issued an apology that read, “I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.” Hey, some of Sheen’s best men are Black.

• 50 Cent is going to court to keep his ex-girlfriend from proclaiming the rapper was responsible for the recent fire that gutted his Long Island house. “There comes a point where you can no longer sit on your hands and listen to her spread these falsehoods,” said the rapper’s lawyer. “Besides hurting his reputation, they have a damaging impact on their son.” Note to Fiddy: Don’t ask Charlie Sheen to leave voicemails for you.

• Some women are complaining the iPhone is sexist, as its touchscreen technology doesn’t work well for people with long fingernails. Steve Jobs will probably invent iNails—press-on nails with built-in iPhones.

• Circuit City announced its 1Q loss is bigger than expected, with an 11 percent sales drop at established stores. “We continued to see improvement in many of our operating performance measures,” said the retailer’s CEO. “We are rebuilding our selling culture and focusing on creating a good first and last impression with the customer.” As opposed to the existing bad first and last impressions?

5571: In Da House And Courthouse.

Hot news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent can’t sell his fire-ravaged Long Island home until the lawsuit filed by his ex-girlfriend is resolved, thanks to a judge’s ruling. The judge also told Fiddy’s ex to cough up $4,500 in rent that is owed to the rapper. The ex-girlfriend is seeking half of the artist’s earnings, insisting she’s partly responsible for his success. She declared, “I helped build him.” Hope she knows how to build a new house.

• 50 Cent has been bonding with actor Val Kilmer during the production of their movie, Streets of Blood. Both men are fond of vintage cars, and Fiddy surprised Kilmer with the keys to a 1965 Chevy Impala worth $130,000. No word if it included a burned-out garage.

• Now R. Kelly’s lawyers are not merely arguing their client is not the person in the infamous videotape, but the infamous videotape is not the infamous videotape. They’ve apparently been working with a copy of the tape that prosecutors claimed to be a duplicate, but actually turned out to be a lower-quality reproduction. The recording artist’s lawyers used the inferior copy when questioning their video expert. The judge angrily snapped, “This is the rotten tomato in the barrel.” R. Kelly denies being in the original tape, the duplicate tape or in a barrel of tomatoes.

5535: Where’s There’s Smoke…

Facing the heat in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Long Island home of 50 Cent was destroyed by fire, and authorities suspect arson. An ex-companion of Fiddy lived at the home, although the rapper allegedly was seeking to throw her out, along with their son. Six people were treated for smoke inhalation. “[50 Cent] tried to kill me and his own child!” declared Fiddy’s ex. “Who do I think did it? Curtis Jackson. He threatened me on Monday that he was going to have someone visit me. My kids are in the house. Who would try to kill your own kids? He’s supposed to be all about being a gangster … That’s not a gangster, that’s a coward.” Hey, what does one get a gangster coward for Father’s Day?

• The Los Angeles Fire Department is making progress in dealing with harassment and discrimination, according to an audit released on Friday. The city has paid millions in lawsuits in the past years. “There is still a lot more work to do,” said Fire Chief Douglas L. Barry. Maybe they should seek input from 50 Cent.

5184: Don’t Sleep On This.

Waking up with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A new study shows about 3 in 10 workers have felt very sleepy, or even fallen asleep, during work in the past month. The number probably increases dramatically at advertising agencies like Draftfcb. Check out this supplemental report via George Parker at Adscam.

• Russell Simmons is officially endorsing Barack Obama for president. However, Obama has not locked up the critical hip hop vote, as 50 Cent—and even Simmons’ ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons—endorsed Hillary Clinton.

5076: Bulking Up And Shedding Weight.

Pre-game hype in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent performed a pre-game Super Bowl concert last Thursday, drawing celebrities including Deion Sanders, Ludacris, Mekhi Phifer and Paris Hilton. Um, wonder if Fiddy violates the NFL’s steroid policy.

• Don’t look for Motorola to make an appearance at the Super Bowl, except on the coaches’ headsets. The company is mulling shedding its cell phone business. Seems the once-innovative phone creator can’t keep up with consumer tastes. A statement revealed Motorola is “exploring the structural and strategic realignment of its business to better equip its Mobile Devices business to recapture global market leadership and to enhance shareholder value.” Um, they ought to update their corporate-speak too.