6738: Supreme Silliness.

Pollish jokes in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A Gallup poll showed 64 percent of Americans don’t care if President Barack Obama appoints a woman to the Supreme Court; plus, 68 percent and 74 percent don’t care if Obama names a Latino or Black person, respectively. “It is unclear how much the average American knows about the current demographic composition of the Supreme Court,” noted the editor-in-chief of the Gallup poll. “Still, as was the case four years ago, the current results suggest that — for whatever reason — there is simply no large groundswell of demand from the American public for the appointment of a new justice” who is a woman or minority. The figures probably jump to 100 percent among respondents on Madison Avenue.

• Craigslist, apparently responding to public pressure, is dumping its “erotic services” ads. However, the naughty classifieds will be replaced by an adult category that will be patrolled by site employees. Candidates for this new role can apply through the “erotic services” section.

• The Circuit City brand and website were sold at an auction. Maybe craigslist will rename its “erotic services” section as Circuit City.

6647: Burgers And Bullshit.

Offending the masses in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• People from Mexico are not pleased with a new Burger King campaign hyping the “Texican” sandwich. A TV spot shows a small wrestler who appears to be wearing a Mexican flag as a cape. Mexico’s ambassador to Spain, Jorge Zermeno, said the ads “improperly use the stereotyped image of a Mexican.” Um, Señor Zermeno has obviously not seen a lot of U.S. advertising incorporating minorities.

• The New York Times reported on the legal issues in Riviera Beach, Florida, where citizens and city officials have been battling over saggy trousers. The city passed an ordinance legally banning pants worn low enough to show skin or underwear, and has charged 15-20 youth with violations since things went into effect last July. Defense attorneys argue the measure violates freedom of expression, while others think it’s not right to deny a fashion statement. Hey, has anybody checked the trousers under judges’ robes lately?

• Circuit City is seeking to sell its name and brand to Systemax, a company that bought CompUSA’s intellectual property last year. Is Systemax trying to build a collection of really bad brand identities?

• PepsiCo is suing Coca-Cola over a Powerade campaign that allegedly makes false claims that could hurt the Gatorade brand. Shouldn’t they just battle it out on a sporting field?

6508: Wrecks In The City.

Living in the city with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Circuit City will close down all its stores by Sunday. ”We’ll hook you up” is getting the hook.

• Anheuser-Busch InBev reported 4Q profits dropped 95 percent. Looks like all the unemployed workers aren’t drowning their sorrows. Maybe Bud should sponsor a farewell bash for Circuit City employees.

6359: The Obama Stimulus Plan: Dolls And ‘Do’s.

Dolled up in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Obama Family might wind up stimulating the entire economy all on their own. Ty Incorporated, maker of the iconic Beanie Babies, is releasing “Sweet Sasha” and “Marvelous Malia”—dolls fashioned after the Obama sisters. But the company will probably outsource production to sweatshops abroad.

• The First Lady’s hairdresser, Johnny Wright, signed a deal for his own reality TV series. What? No program in the works for Michelle Obama’s manicurist?

• Dick Parsons has been named chairman of Citigroup. First Barack Obama assumes the Office of the President. Now Parsons grabs the reins at Citigroup. OMG, Blacks are taking over the world!

• Southwest Airlines reported 4Q losses, its second losing quarter after 16 years of profitability. That “ding” you hear is not the sound of a ringing cash register.

• OfficeMax hired a former Circuit City executive as its CFO. Um, is OfficeMax looking for some help on the bankruptcy tip too?

• A new study shows cleaner air can increase your lifespan by 5 months. However, the economy will make it 5 months of living hell.

6347: Viewing People As Numbers.

Weekend tallies in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Hertz announced plans to dump 4,000 workers worldwide. No word if Avis will try harder with cuts of its own.

• WellPoint is not feeling well, as the health insurer plans to cut 3.5 percent of its staff, which equals about 1,500 jobs.

• Pfizer might dump over 2,000 of its salespeople. Which should spur sales of Zoloft® nationwide.

• The Circuit City collapse could cost up to 40,000 lost jobs. Fortunately, most of the overpaid salespeople were dumped in 2007.

6344: Selling Out.

Sales and figures in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Circuit City announced it is going out of business, after failing to find a buyer or refinancing deal. The retailer has been failing to find customers for a few years now too.

• Saks announced plans to cut its workforce by 9 percent, which equals about 1,100 employees. Plus, the retailer will cut inventory by 20 percent. They might also consider changing the store name to Suks.

• A new study showed 27 percent of women are happy to dress in sexy apparel to help them get a raise or promotion. It might be a little late, but Circuit City and Saks should have introduced sales staff in lingerie.

• A nutrition advocacy group is suing Coca-Cola over health claims for its VitaminWater product. The group says Coke is essentially selling sugar water by claiming it boosts immunity and reduces the risk of disease. Um, isn’t that how the iconic brand originally sold Coca-Cola to the masses?

6340: Losing Interest With Circuit City.

Why is Circuit City offering 36 months of no interest when it’s unlikely the retailer will even exist in 36 months—or 36 weeks, for that matter?

6329: Short Circuits.

Going-Out-Of-Business News in a MultiCultClassics Monologue...

• Circuit City could go out of business by Friday if a buyer doesn’t emerge from at least two currently interested parties. Let’s hope the potential buyers aren’t receiving sales pitches from Circuit City employees.

• Boeing announced plans to dump 4,500 jobs in 2009. The president and Chief Executive Officer of Boeing Commercial Airplanes segment said, “We are taking prudent actions to make sure Boeing remains well positioned in today’s difficult economic environment.” Gee, that should comfort the 4,500 people about to become not-so-well-positioned in today’s difficult economic environment.

• General Mills reported 2Q profits dropped 3 percent. Better eat your Wheaties.

• Talks are underway to merge Citigroup’s Smith Barney and Morgan Stanley. Is anyone even paying attention to all the mergers anymore? You could combine Barney Fife with Stanley Laurel and no one would care.

6275: Falling Profits, Pop Stars & Presidents.

Failing health in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A federal judge gave Circuit City final approval for $1.1 billion in financing while the retailer is under protection from bankruptcy. Does it seem like corporations get more money while failing versus succeeding?

• Walgreen reported its fiscal 1Q profits dropped over 10 percent, citing the costs of opening new stores. Maybe things will even out if Walgreen accountants and shareholders visit the new stores to fill their Cymbalta® prescriptions.

• Michael Jackson’s biographer says the star is dying, claiming the King of Pop thinks he won’t live another six months. But another Jackson associate disputes the statements and says, “He’s in great spirits. He seems very normal.” When Jacko seems “very normal,” it’s time for the rest of us to leave this life.

• President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, delivered coats for the needy, encouraging people to volunteer during the holiday season. No word if anyone threw galoshes at them.

6196: Making The Call.

Sales pitches in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Barack Obama is poised to name Hillary Rodham Clinton as Secretary of State. Wonder if anyone will mention Rodham Clinton’s readiness to handle a 3am call.

• The Washington Post reported that Circuit City has a challenge to convince potential customers that the company is not completely going out of business. Seems the bigger challenge is convincing potential customers Circuit City doesn’t completely suck.

6136: Fried Circuits And Fast Deliveries.

Going out of bad business with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Circuit City has filed for bankruptcy. How come the struggling airlines, automakers and financial institutions are quick to beg for bailouts, but no one’s extending any money help to Circuit City? Oh, wait a minute. It’s because Circuit City sucks. Never mind.

• DHL is DOA, with plans to cut up to 9,500 jobs. They will probably guarantee fast delivery of the pink slips—perhaps even overnight.

6123: Rolling With The Changes.

Tired news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Tire maker Bridgestone reported profits slid 40 percent over the last nine months. Maybe the people viewed Bridgestone’s ads and realized they’d get along just fine without tires.

• Circuit City announced plans to close 155 underperforming stores. Didn’t realize the retailer had any over-performing stores. Or even performing stores.

• Joining John McCain and Sarah Palin in the loss column were gay-rights advocates who sought to stop California’s Proposition 8, a measure banning same-sex marriage. The measure passed by a margin of about 52 percent. Executives are undoubtedly celebrating at Omnicom.

6005: Counting On Change.

Yucky news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Yum Brands has decided to start placing calorie information on menu boards at its restaurants, which include KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and A&W. This will likely increase the size of the boards by at least 300 percent. Plus, it might have consumers requesting the company change its name from Yum to Yuck.

• Circuit City has hired a turnaround consultant in the hopes of restructuring back to profitability. Hope they put a money-back guarantee in the consultant’s contract.

5997: Nauseating News.

Losing one’s appetite with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Applebee’s is facing a federal lawsuit for its allegedly misleading menu. The restaurant chain has been featuring Weight Watchers-endorsed items since 2004, posting the calorie counts, Weight Watchers “points” and more. However, it turns out the details were wrong. That is, the meals were anything but healthy. “They found in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t even close,” said a lawyer involved in the class-action suit. “People go into places like Applebee’s for the healthy menu, and a lot of people go specifically because they have that option.” Well, it’s sure not because of the lame musicians who used to appear in the advertising.

• Cadbury ordered a recall of its Chinese-made products, with some people fearing a connection to the recent tainted milk scandal that affected over 54,000 children. Meanwhile, Mars and Kraft are checking into Indonesian claims that high traces of melamine, the chemical behind the milk problem, were found in Oreos, Snickers and M&Ms. And folks fret over nutcases deliberately tainting Halloween treats…?

• Circuit City announced its 2Q loss widened. Which probably means you can soon pick up wide-screen TVs cheap when the retailer goes belly up.

5976: Clay Is Gay And Other Non-News.

Coming out with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• American Idol alum Clay Aiken is revealing in People magazine that he’s gay. Wow. What next? Barack Obama will admit he’s Black. John McCain will declare he’s old. Madison Avenue will expose itself as racist.

• Circuit City CEO Philip J. Schoonover resigned. One analyst wrote, “Circuit City’s business has deteriorated dramatically over the last two years and although we do not lay the blame entirely on his shoulders, we do believe that some of Mr. Schoonover’s decisions definitely had a significantly negative impact.” Wow, that’s like declaring Clay Aiken is gay.

• Children’s book publisher Scholastic, Inc. is banning Bratz books from school book clubs and fairs, bowing to pressure from an advocacy group arguing the characters are too sexy. “When schools send these book club fliers home with children,” said the advocacy group spokesperson, “the message is that ‘We think these are fine and are good for your child.’” Heaven forbid kids might stick the fliers in their Bratz lunchboxes, Bratz backpacks or the pockets of their Bratz jeans and jackets.

5781: Spreading MADness.

Going mad in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Certain Circuit City stores temporarily pulled the latest MAD magazine from shelves after discovering a parody advertisement section from “Sucker City.” The spoof includes lines about Nintendo Wii, “Guaranteed In Stock … if you’re friends with an employee who hid it in the back for you. Otherwise, ooh, sorry, all sold out.” Circuit City wound up backpedaling over the in-store censoring. “We apologize for the knee-jerk reaction, and have issued a retraction order; the affected stores are being directed to put the magazines back on sale,” said a store spokesman. “The parody of our newspaper ad in the August MAD was very clever. Most of us at Circuit City share a rich sense of humor and irony … but there are occasional temporary lapses.” The issue will probably be the only thing Circuit City manages to sell this month.

• A new report presented the obvious: child meals at restaurant chains are loaded with calories. “Parents want to feed their children healthy meals, but America’s chain restaurants are setting parents up to fail,” said a nonprofit public health group official. “McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC and other chains are conditioning kids to expect burgers, fried chicken, pizza, French fries, macaroni and cheese and soda in various combination at almost every lunch and dinner.” Doesn’t help when parents are stuffing their own faces with high-calorie adult meals.

• Former President Bill Clinton insisted, “I am not a racist,” during a TV interview. “There are things I wished I said [while campaigning for his wife Hillary]. Things I wished I hadn’t said, but I am not a racist,” said Clinton in reference to comments he made about Senator Barack Obama. “I never made a racist comment and I didn’t attack him personally.” No, Clinton is not a racist. He’s something worse: a typical politician.

5651: Airport Insecurity.

Rough landings in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• American Airlines announced plans to cut 900 flight attendants. Nice way to celebrate Independence Day.

• United Airlines announced plans to start offering passengers larger snacks for $3 each. The idea must be to lure fat people in the hopes they can be charged for two seats.

• Wesley Snipes is still appealing his tax convictions, but a judge has allowed the star to travel abroad for filmmaking. Snipes probably views charges for onboard snacks as tax write-offs.

• DMX was busted at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport for outstanding warrants. Not sure why DMX would be at an airport. The man can clearly drive faster than most jets.

• Blockbuster withdrew its proposal to acquire Circuit City. Guess consumers aren’t the only ones refusing to buy at Circuit City.

5604: You Have One Racist Message.

Checking voicemail with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Charlie Sheen is catching heat for a voicemail message to ex-wife Denise Richards. In the voicemail, Sheen called Richards a “fucking [N-word],” even though she isn’t Black. Sheen issued an apology that read, “I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.” Hey, some of Sheen’s best men are Black.

• 50 Cent is going to court to keep his ex-girlfriend from proclaiming the rapper was responsible for the recent fire that gutted his Long Island house. “There comes a point where you can no longer sit on your hands and listen to her spread these falsehoods,” said the rapper’s lawyer. “Besides hurting his reputation, they have a damaging impact on their son.” Note to Fiddy: Don’t ask Charlie Sheen to leave voicemails for you.

• Some women are complaining the iPhone is sexist, as its touchscreen technology doesn’t work well for people with long fingernails. Steve Jobs will probably invent iNails—press-on nails with built-in iPhones.

• Circuit City announced its 1Q loss is bigger than expected, with an 11 percent sales drop at established stores. “We continued to see improvement in many of our operating performance measures,” said the retailer’s CEO. “We are rebuilding our selling culture and focusing on creating a good first and last impression with the customer.” As opposed to the existing bad first and last impressions?

5260: State And City News.

A guarantee-filled MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The New York Daily News reported that New York Governor David Paterson did use campaign funds for personal expenses, although he reimbursed his campaign—but a few of the reimbursements happened this week after the news surfaced. The charges included over $1,000 spent in 2004 at the Men’s Wearhouse. George Zimmer would probably insist he’s unaware of any wrongdoing and declare, “You’re going to like the way you look—I guarantee it.”

• Circuit City is getting booted off the Standard & Poor’s 500 index, as the retailer is expected to report 4Q losses next month. The electronics seller has failed to produce a quarterly profit since August 2006. George Zimmer would probably tell Circuit City accountants, “You’re not going to like the way you look—I guarantee it.”

5137: Taking Shots At The News.

Pumping up the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Rev. Al Sharpton commented on the ongoing steroids controversies involving Major League Baseball. “Some of the members of Congress treated Roger Clemens … like they were at a fan-club meeting,” said Sharpton. “When I see the contrast at how you treat a Clemens and how you treat a Bonds, that’s a civil-rights issue.” Seems like Sharpton is injecting himself into the mess.

• If there were steroids designed to boost sales figures, Circuit City would probably desperately seek such antidotes. The company announced a few of its latest turnaround tactics, which include opening smaller format stores dubbed “The City,” staffed with employees from Generation Y. Also, staffers recite mottos like, “Keep it real.” Meanwhile, potential customers are keeping it real by keeping their distance.