6985: Monday Night Goofballs.

Juicing the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Lawyers for O.J. Simpson are trying to persuade a Nevada Supreme Court panel to release him from prison while the court reviews the man’s convictions. Simpson probably will use one of two arguments: 1) Hey, Michael Vick gets to play in the NFL again, or; 2) O.J. must hunt for Michael Jackson’s real killers.

• A New York entrepreneur is facing charges for running a Subway sandwich shop that also operated as a strip club at night. Imagine the $5 footlong promotions at this place.

• MGA Entertainment, current producer of Bratz, is launching a fresh batch of dolls as the company prepares to relinquish control of the Bratz figures to Mattel. The new line will be called Moxie Girlz. “We wanted to make the doll a reflection of the consumer herself, not lavish, expensive, material things,” said a MGA Entertainment executive. “The fashion is ‘everyday’ fashion as opposed to very lavish fashions.” Actually, they probably wanted to make the doll just to stay in business.

6302: Safe And Insecure.

Flying through a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A Muslim family was kicked off an AirTran flight after other passengers reacted to hearing family members talking about the safest place to sit on the plane. Despite being cleared by FBI agents, the family claims the airline refused to rebook them. Looks like AirTran was just answering the family’s initial question—the safest place to sit is on another airline’s plane.

• Bratz are back. Despite an initial ruling ordering Bratz be removed from stores, a judge decided such an act might adversely affect retailers, and allowed for a modification. This scenario is starting to feel like the alleged feud between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

6220: Barbie Bitch Slaps Bratz.

From The Boston Herald…

Judge bans Mattel rival MGA from making, selling Bratz

By Associated Press

LOS ANGELES — Shares of Mattel are soaring today after a big court victory for the toy giant that could leave a lot of young girls upset.

Yesterday, a federal judge banned rival toy maker MGA from making and selling its hugely popular Bratz dolls.

The pouty-lipped dolls with almond-shaped eyes appeared in 2001 and were an instant hit. MGA took the original four dolls developed by designer Carter Bryant, and spun them into a line of more than 40 characters, complete with accessories and related lines, including Bratz Boys, Bratz Petz and Baby Bratz.

MGA has made millions in profits, while sales of Mattel’s Barbie have slid.

But yesterday, U.S. District Judge Stephen Larson ordered MGA to stop making Bratz after a jury found that Bryant developed the concept while working for Mattel.

The toy maker will also have to get the dolls out of stores, but not until the holiday season is over.

6139: Not Playing Around.

Cutthroat competition in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Barbie vs. Bratz catfight continues to get ugly, with Mattel now seeking to shut down all future Bratz manufacturing. Mattel recently won a copyright-infringement court battle against the hipper rival dollmaker, but still wants to completely eliminate the competitor. Who would’ve thought Barbie was capable of doll genocide?

• Starbucks reported 4Q profits dropped 97 percent. However, CEO Howard Schultz thinks the worst is over. The guy needs to wake up and smell the overpriced coffee.

• Mickey D’s continues to experience sales spikes, mostly because the economy is forcing people to seek cheap food. Look for Howard Schultz to be ordering a Happy Meal and large McCoffee soon.

5976: Clay Is Gay And Other Non-News.

Coming out with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• American Idol alum Clay Aiken is revealing in People magazine that he’s gay. Wow. What next? Barack Obama will admit he’s Black. John McCain will declare he’s old. Madison Avenue will expose itself as racist.

• Circuit City CEO Philip J. Schoonover resigned. One analyst wrote, “Circuit City’s business has deteriorated dramatically over the last two years and although we do not lay the blame entirely on his shoulders, we do believe that some of Mr. Schoonover’s decisions definitely had a significantly negative impact.” Wow, that’s like declaring Clay Aiken is gay.

• Children’s book publisher Scholastic, Inc. is banning Bratz books from school book clubs and fairs, bowing to pressure from an advocacy group arguing the characters are too sexy. “When schools send these book club fliers home with children,” said the advocacy group spokesperson, “the message is that ‘We think these are fine and are good for your child.’” Heaven forbid kids might stick the fliers in their Bratz lunchboxes, Bratz backpacks or the pockets of their Bratz jeans and jackets.

5870: Playing Games.

Dolled up with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A federal jury awarded Barbie dollmaker Mattel $100 million in the copyright case against Bratz dollmaker MGA Entertainment. Look for Barbie to buy a few more dream houses and a new ride for Ken.

• Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm will hold a hearing next week to decide whether or not to oust Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. While the two are both Democrats, their relationship has reportedly been strained. One political commentator remarked, “She never liked the mayor, and the mayor was lukewarm toward her.” Guess he never returned her emails and IMs.

• Southwest Airlines cut 190 flights due to lower customer travel demands. Maybe the company should produce a TV spot with Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick that asks, “Want to get away?”

5720: Dolls And Dummies.

Playing with dolls and dollars in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A jury ruled the Bratz dolls were conceived while the original designer was still working for Mattel, creator of rival Barbie dolls. The decision could bring millions of dollars in damages to Mattel when the jury huddles during another proceeding. No word if Bratz were actually fashioned after Barbie or the cross-dressing Ken.

• Capital One’s 2Q profits dropped 40 percent, with the credit card company citing customers are defaulting on their loans. Look for Capital One to boost your APR to 40 percent. What’s in your wallet? The hands of Capital One’s collection department.

• Qantas Airlines is dumping 1,500 jobs, citing rising fuel costs. So 1,500 people will join the koala bear in expressing hate for Qantas.

• An employee with 1-800-Flowers was fired after sending a threatening email from her work computer. The worker sought to stifle a University of Minnesota professor who criticized the teaching of creationism. “You have two choices, you can quit your job for the good of the children. Or you can get your brains beat in,” read the email. The employee tried to cover her email trail to no avail, as 1-800-Flowers ultimately canned her. No word if anyone sent a “Pick-Me-Up” bouquet—or if they’ll introduce a new service: 1-800-DeathThreats.

• Bill Clinton sought to support Jesse Jackson over his recent nutty gaffe. Clinton remarked, “If all of us lived on live mics, then 100% of us in this room would be embarrassed from time to time.” Sounds like the makings for a new reality TV series: Hot Mics.