8101: Dead Man Profiting.

Money matters in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Michael Jackson is the world’s highest-earning dead person, collecting $275 million in the past year—more than the next 12 celebrity corpses combined. Somebody should do a relevant re-edit of Thriller.

• BP has agreed to pay Florida $20 million over the next 3 years in order to cover the cost of seafood inspections and a marketing campaign. That’s a very cheap amount for a marketing campaign, given that estimates show BP has paid over $100 million for its own marketing efforts during the Deepwater Horizon disaster. This is eerily like Big Tobacco funding anti-smoking campaigns or liquor companies bankrolling marketing that warns of the dangers of drunk driving.

7776: Animal Talk.

Monkeying around with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• According to LaToya Jackson, brother Michael spent thousands of dollars in an attempt to implant vocal chords in pet chimp Bubbles, hoping to get the animal to speak. However, the surgery was abandoned when Jacko learned it could prove fatal for his longtime companion. So Bubbles remains the only figure associated with the Jacksons who hasn’t received implants or reconstructive procedures.

• Dozens of brown pelican chicks affected by the BP oil spill disaster were treated and relocated to a sanctuary in Miami. It’s a good thing the birds weren’t sent to Arizona—otherwise, the brown pelicans might have been targets for racial profiling.

7580: Comeback Artists.

Making a dramatic return with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Tiger Woods has allegedly recovered from his sex addiction, announcing that he’ll compete in next month’s Masters Tournament. Organizers should consider renaming it the Masters and Johnson Tournament.

• Michael Jackson’s kin apparently signed a record deal with Sony, paving the way for future albums featuring unreleased songs and repackaged versions of existing Jacko tunes. The agreement could be worth up to $250 million—which exceeds any deal ever inked by Tito or Jermaine by roughly $250 million.

7411: Optimistic News For 2010.

The future looks bright with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The latest AP-GfK poll shows 82 percent of Americans are optimistic about what the new year will bring for their families. The remaining 18 percent is comprised of Tiger Woods and his girlfriends.

• Rush Limbaugh announced he’s OK after a trip to the hospital prompted by chest pains. “The pain was real, and they don’t know what caused it,” said Limbaugh, but he assured everyone that his heart was fine. The doctors were probably surprised to discover Limbaugh had a heart.

• Plans are underway in Gary, Indiana to erect a memorial complex honoring the late Michael Jackson. The proposed project will have a museum, performing arts center, hotel, amusement park and golf course. Because Jacko was so well-known for his golf game. Of course, young boys will get in for free.

7189: Saturday Night Jive.

You don’t know Jacko in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• An Andy Warhol portrait of Michael Jackson is expected to fetch up to $700,000 in an upcoming auction. Was Jacko ever this popular when he was alive?


• The Chicago Tribune is offering Jacko templates for pumpkin carving. When lighting the jack-o-lantern, be careful not to set his hair on fire.

• An L.A. court commissioner dropped all charges against Kanye West for his 2008 confrontation with paparazzi at Los Angeles International Airport. However, the court commissioner declared West an asshole for his 2009 confrontation with Taylor Swift.

• Original Mother’s—a popular club in Chicago—is facing civil rights complaints for allegedly refusing to admit Black college students for wearing baggy jeans, while allowing White patrons with similar pants to enter. There’s a “Your Mother’s so racist…” joke here somewhere.

7047: Google Thriller.

Can hardly wait to see what Google™ does to commemorate the late Senator Edward Kennedy.

6578: Applying Pressure.

Lining up a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Thousands lined the sidewalks of downtown Chicago, competing for 300 jobs at a new hotel scheduled to open in May. In this economy, the hotel will probably see more applicants than guests.

• Michael Jackson is mulling the possibility of adopting an African child. Can’t imagine the kid candidates lining up for that one.

6515: Taking Hits.

Web watching with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The news of Michael Jackson performing in London led to a spike in traffic at MichaelJacksonLive.com. “The site is receiving 16,000 requests per second, so demand is extremely high, phenomenal is an understatement,” said a spokesperson. The majority of the visits are probably from Tito and Jermaine seeking to get in on the act.

• TMZ.com claims Coolio was busted with crack at Los Angeles International Airport. Hey, that should spike visits to the gossip site.

• Recording artist, actor and jail-bound T.I. was prohibited from appearing at a Brooklyn middle school. A Department of Education spokeswoman said the scheduled visit, which would have also aired on T.I.’s MTV reality show, was too “commercial” to be allowed. Prior to the announcement, school students, faculty and parents were hyped about potentially meeting the star. Maybe they can call in Jacko or Coolio as a replacement.

6382: Firsts And Lasts.

Signing out in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• President Barack Obama signed his first bill, approving equal pay legislation. Obama declared the act would “send a clear message that making our economy work means making sure it works for everybody.” Um, wait until he hears about the Bendick and Egan Economic Consultants, Inc. report on Madison Avenue.

• Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was officially ousted from office after a 59-0 vote by the state Senate. No word if Blagojevich will demand a recount.

• A new Pew study revealed about half of all Americans wish they lived somewhere else. And about all Illinois residents wish Rod Blagojevich lived somewhere else.

• Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, who claims Jacko owes him royalties for various projects related to the “Thriller” video Landis directed. It’s a wonder Landis can even still recognize the King of Pop, as Thriller was shot about a dozen plastic surgeries ago.

• Ford Motor Company reported 4Q losses at $5.9 billion, but insist they still don’t need bailout money. Maybe they can float some cash to Jacko.

• Kodak reported 4Q losses at $137 million, prompting plans to cut 4,500 jobs. Talk about a Kodak Moment.

6275: Falling Profits, Pop Stars & Presidents.

Failing health in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A federal judge gave Circuit City final approval for $1.1 billion in financing while the retailer is under protection from bankruptcy. Does it seem like corporations get more money while failing versus succeeding?

• Walgreen reported its fiscal 1Q profits dropped over 10 percent, citing the costs of opening new stores. Maybe things will even out if Walgreen accountants and shareholders visit the new stores to fill their Cymbalta® prescriptions.

• Michael Jackson’s biographer says the star is dying, claiming the King of Pop thinks he won’t live another six months. But another Jackson associate disputes the statements and says, “He’s in great spirits. He seems very normal.” When Jacko seems “very normal,” it’s time for the rest of us to leave this life.

• President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, delivered coats for the needy, encouraging people to volunteer during the holiday season. No word if anyone threw galoshes at them.

5465: For Sale Signs.

Going out of style and business in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The auction to sell Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch has officially been canceled. Continued interest in Jacko has officially been canceled too.

• Sprint Nextel revealed its 1Q numbers are worse than originally announced, with a million customers defecting to other wireless services. “As expected, our wireless business delivered weak financial results,” said Sprint Chief Executive Officer Dan Hesse. “While the business will continue to face challenges in the short term, we are making progress in methodically attacking the sources of our performance issues.” Time to sell the ranch.

5188: Loot And Lawyers.

Making judgments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Two White captains with the Los Angeles Fire Department received $1.6 million after suing for being painted as scapegoats in the infamous incident involving a Black firefighter being served dog food by fellow firefighters. The two captains had been suspended after the event four years ago. Including the award given to the Black firefighter, the city’s expenses in the affair total over $4.5 million. Wonder if the firehouse firedog will go to court next, arguing he was deprived of his chow.

• A celebrity jet service secretly videotaped Michael Jackson speaking with his lawyers during a 2003 trip, and it will cost the service $20.25 million. A judge ordered the award for Jackson’s lawyers after a two-week trial held in January. “The question in this case was whether it’s worth it to violate people’s privacy,” said the lawyer representing the lawyers. “The court sent a clear message that the cost far outweighs the benefit.” Although it’s bizarre that Jacko’s lawyers are more successful in lawsuits than he is.

• The Bronx building considered to be the birthplace of hip hop will not be turned into an affordable-housing complex, thanks to political intervention that rejected the proposed sale of the structure. No word if they’ll be holding a house party.

5172: Mea Culpa Runneth Over.

Sorry state of affairs in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Now Congress is considering issuing an apology over slavery. “We’ve seen states step forward on this,” said Sen. Tom Harkin. “I’m really shocked, just shocked” that the federal government hasn’t said it’s sorry. “It’s time to do so.” Trying to score some early points with potential Commander-In-Chief Barack Obama?

• The producer of the Oscars telecast said he’ll apologize to Whoopi Goldberg for excluding her from a montage depicting past hosts. “No harm was intended, and I feel very, very badly that she was left out,” said Gil Cates. “I’m going to call her and tell her that.” No word yet if Congress will join him.

• As part of the baristas retraining, Starbucks encouraged its employees to spend more time chatting with customers. Maybe they can also express heartfelt apologies for the long lines and high prices.

• Sprint recorded a $29.5 billion loss for 4Q 2007. “We plan to share some of our initiatives for improving the customer experience and operations next quarter,” said CEO Dan Hesse. “Strategic assessments and changes may take longer to complete.” So much for moving at the speed of light.

• Michael Jackson managed to avoid seeing his Neverland Ranch go up for auction. The King of Pop secured a loan to deal with the $24.5 million he owes on the property. Maybe he can sell Thriller ringtones to Sprint.

• Sears Chairman Edward Lampert thinks he and his team are like the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Based on 4Q profits that plunged 47 percent, he’s probably closer to the New York Knicks.

• Manhattan prosecutors want a DNA sample from rapper Ja Rule in order to connect him with a handgun seized from his ride. If you don’t get spit, you must acquit.

5168: On The House.

IOUs in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• If Michael Jackson fails to cough up $24 million in a month, his Neverland Ranch will go up for auction. Operators at eBay are standing by.

• After the much-publicized retraining of baristas, Starbuck has a new promise: “Your drink should be perfect, every time. If not, let us know and we’ll make it right.” Um, isn’t that a given when you’re charging so much and making customers stand in long lines? Time to retrain the company promise writers.

5110: Mama’s Pearl.

Janet Jackson declares she wants her mother’s strength. But she apparently wants her brother’s nose. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

5105: Teeth, Dentures And Biting Remarks.

Digesting the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• An ancient tooth found in Greece has paleontologists believing Neanderthals were much more mobile than once thought. “Our findings prove that … their settlement networks were broader and more organized than we believed,” said one researcher. Following the final analysis, Chuck Norris will probably request that the tooth be returned to John McCain.

• Nobel Prize author Doris Lessing believes Barack Obama would be assassinated if he were elected as president. During an interview, the writer remarked, “He would probably not last long, a Black man in the position of president. They would kill him.” Lessing did not elaborate on who might do the deed. Despite the fact that the writer is 88 years old, Chuck Norris probably wholeheartedly agrees with her.

• PETA is protesting KFC again, this time because State Rep. Charles Siler is seeking to make fried chicken Kentucky’s official picnic chow. “If the state legislature moves forward with this one, then they should change Kentucky’s state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken,” said a PETA vice president. Sorry, KFC probably already has the copyright to that image.

• Polaroid announced plans to completely drop instant film products. The company already quit making instant film cameras for consumers a year ago. Wonder how long before Polaroid instantly vanishes altogether.

• Hillary Clinton officially responded to MSNBC anchor David Shuster’s remarks that the senator’s campaign “pimped out” Chelsea Clinton. “I am a mom first and a candidate second,” said Clinton. “I found the remarks incredibly offensive.” Clinton also write a letter to MSNBC honchos that stated, “Nothing justifies the kind of debasing language that David Shuster used and no temporary suspension or halfhearted apology is sufficient.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has no problem pimping out hubby Bill for campaign efforts.

• The mother of Michael Jackson’s kids is upset over photos of the children without their signature veils. “The veils were my idea, not Michael’s,” said Jacko’s ex-wife in an interview. “I had kidnap threats when they were babies. I did not want them to be recognized. I’m not happy they’ve been photographed without the veils.” Um, wish the woman would don a veil herself.

Essay 4862

Making judgments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A jury convicted the Long Island millionaire couple that kept two Indonesian housekeepers as slaves. When the guilty verdict was announced, the wife and her daughter (who was also in the courtroom) both fainted. The husband and wife now face up to 40 years in prison. They’re probably wondering if they’ll be allowed to bring the slaves to keep their cells tidy.

• Foxy Brown appeared before a judge on Monday, maintaining a calm and collected demeanor. Her lawyer remarked, “[Foxy] told me, ‘Sometimes God has to humble you in order for you to realize who you actually are.’ … When you get away from the glitz and glamour, you can find inner peace within yourself.” Then Foxy probably beat the shit out of him with a cell phone.

• Folks are wondering what’s up with Michael Jackson’s face. Again. Jacko appeared at a Las Vegas bookstore sporting bandages (see photo below). The King of Pop’s spokesperson could not explain the bandages. At this point, can the spokesperson possibly explain anything about Jacko?

Essay 4829

Absolut MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Absolut Bidding Frenzy. Up to 20 bidders are interested in acquiring the iconic vodka brand, which was put up for sale last year. The Associated Press reported the deal is estimated at $6.3 billion. MultiCultClassics will open the bidding by offering $6.30, payable in cash.

• The New York Daily News reported Michael Jackson spent three months this year hanging out with friends in New Jersey. An employee at a local Halloween costume store claimed Jackson purchased stuff on October 31. “He had like a black turban covering his neck and his face,” said the store worker. “He was wearing shades and a baseball cap. He only spoke to his assistant, but I knew it was him. His voice was high pitched.” Wonder if Jacko bought a fake nose.

Essay 4681

Taxing news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Wesley Snipes is charging potential racism in plans for his upcoming tax-evasion trial. His lawyer filed a motion arguing the choice of Ocala, Florida as the place for the trial hurts Snipes’ chances of fair treatment. The lawyer griped that the U.S. Attorney’s Office “deliberately chose the most racially discriminatory venue available to the government with the best possibility of an all-white Southern jury where Snipes has never resided.” Snipes is starting to sound like O.J. Simpson.

• A spokesperson for Michael Jackson claims he’s not in danger of losing his Neverland Ranch, contrary to reports stating problems stemming from a loan (see Essay 4635). “Mr. Jackson is in the final stages of refinance and will not lose Neverland Valley Ranch,” said the spokesperson. Maybe Jacko needs to revise his nickname to King of Debt.

• A top immigration official offered another apology over the incident involving an inappropriate Halloween costume (see Essay 4677). In a letter to Sen. Claire McCaskill, the official wrote, “Although I was not aware at the time of the contest that the employee disguised his skin color, I believe that it was inappropriate for me to recognize any individual wearing an escaped prisoner costume.” It sure is tough to disguise ignorance.

Essay 4671

A candy-coated MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Michael Jackson is back in an exclusive interview for the upcoming issue of Ebony. When Johnny Depp played Willy Wonka in the recent Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie, he denied patterning the character after Jacko. Can’t imagine why anyone would have thought that.

• One of the Indonesian servants testified in the case involving a millionaire couple charged with slavery (see Essay 4643). The woman claims she was forced to eat her own vomit, scalded with hot water, poked with a knife and more. Defense attorneys argue the servants practiced witchcraft and may have participated in some form of Indonesian self-mutilation ritual. Can’t wait to hear the expert testimony on that.