8663: A Home For Moammar.

Political analysts are now wondering where Moammar Gadhafi might seek exile. MultiCultClassics proudly presents:

The Top Ten Places for Gadhafi to Hang.

10. Osama bin Laden’s cave.
9. Hosni Mubarak’s basement.
8. Louis Farrakhan’s guestroom.
7. Foxy Brown’s cabin.
6. Gilligan’s Island.
5. Regis’ replacement — Moammar and Kelly.
4. Charlie Sheen’s house.
3. Undercover Boss.
2. Any circle of Dante’s Inferno.
1. Draftfcb.

8662: Not The Love Boat.

Women’s prerogatives in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• If Foxy Brown opened a chain of beauty salons, the places would require serious security. The recording artist staged another nail-related tirade, this time while on a Royal Caribbean cruise. After arriving 3 hours late for her appointment, Brown exploded when the salon couldn’t accommodate her. She was confined to her cabin and dumped when the ship docked in the Cayman Islands. Look for Royal Caribbean to incorporate the scenario into its YouTube video series—and title it something like, “Ship Happens,” or “Royal Pain In The Ass.”

• Beyoncé bounced her dad, firing him as her manager after two decades of service. Well, at least she didn’t wait until Father’s Day. Look for Beyoncé to replace Donald Trump on The Apprentice if Trump decides to run for president.

7843: Butting In.

Behind in the news with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was arrested for allegedly mooning a neighbor. However, Brown offered a revealing defense to the accusations that the neighbor saw Brown’s underwear—the rapper insisted she wasn’t wearing underwear. If the panties don’t fit, you must acquit.

• Lady Gaga spoke out against Arizona’s new immigration law during a recent concert. “We have to be active. We have to protest. … I will yell and I will scream louder,” proclaimed Gaga. “I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will peaceably protest this state.” And if the protestors dress like the recording artist, they’ll all get arrested for indecent exposure.

5450: Feel Like Hurling.

Throwing tantrums and assorted objects in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• R. Kelly hurled a basketball at a reporter who wanted to watch the star play hoops at a gym. His lawyers will probably request a delay of game or timeout.

• Foxy Brown took a plea deal for hurling a BlackBerry at a neighbor last year. She also offered a lame written apology, which she’ll probably wad up and throw at someone.

• Hillary Clinton hurled the race card, claiming Barack Obama will struggle to win the support of “White Americans.” Clinton referred to an Associated Press story on recent exit polls “that found how Sen. Obama’s support among working, hardworking Americans, White Americans, is weakening again, and how Whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me. … There’s a pattern emerging here.” The pattern being Clinton’s inability to admit defeat.

5431: Cold Calling.

Phoning it in with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Chrysler is launching a program where company executives will make phone calls to customers to check if they’re happy with their vehicles. Knowing Chrysler, the honchos will probably call during dinner or while you’re on the toilet.

• Add Linens ‘n Things to the list of retailers struggling to stay in business. The company will file for bankruptcy ‘n close 120 stores nationwide.

• The Chicago Sun-Times reported a new twist in the upcoming R. Kelly child pornography trial. Apparently, a witness will testify she was involved in a three-way with Kelly and the alleged underage victim. She no doubt has the Linens ‘n Things to prove it.

• As expected, Wesley Snipes and his lawyers filed to appeal his federal tax conviction. OK, the man failed to file his taxes for years, but had no problem immediately filing an appeal.

• Foxy Brown is facing a new lawsuit from the neighbor she allegedly bashed in the face with her BlackBerry last August. Maybe Foxy can collect some legal defense loot by appearing in one of those “Why I Love My BlackBerry” ads.

5374: Free At Last.

Cutting people free in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was released from prison yesterday, driven off the grounds by New York City Councilman Charles Barron. Barron remarked, “She’s someone we need in our community to help with a positive message with our young people.” Right. Maybe the Pope will request a meeting now that he’s in town.

• AT&T announced plans to cut 4,600 employees, shifting resources to other areas of business. A spokesperson said, “Even with the reductions … we expect our head count overall to remain stable this year as we hire additional employees to support growth areas like wireless and TV.” Maybe the terminated will receive a free GoPhone® to GoAway.

• Citigroup will dump 9,000 jobs after reporting a $5.11 billion loss in 1Q. Let’s get it done.

5370: Big Deals.

Extra Value News in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• McDonald’s in Japan has introduced a four-patty burger and mega sandwiches on the breakfast and dinner menu. A woman who ate all three burgers in a day remarked, “I’m tired, with low energy, irritable, and I have an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.” The U.N. should investigate if the product launch constitutes an international war crime.

• TGIF for Foxy Brown, scheduled to be released from prison today. She’ll have two weeks before her next court appearance. Somebody hide all BlackBerry devices.

5360: Releasing Prisoners, Albums, Frustrations.

Spring cleaning in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown is fleeing prison on Friday, having served 8 months of a one-year sentence. The artist is being sprung early because officials decided she didn’t break any rules “considered serious enough to delay her release.” Also, she needs time to start working on her reality TV series before the fall season.

• Bill Cosby is releasing a hip hop album next month. Actually, the music collection will showcase Cosby’s concepts with a soundtrack featuring hip hop, pop and jazz. “I do not rap on any of these things,” said Cosby. “I wouldn’t know how to fix my mouth to say some of the words.” Hey, Foxy Brown will be available to record some last-minute tracks after Friday.

• The Detroit City Council is not playing with indicted Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, refusing to accept his budget recommendation. “It seems as if [dissing my budget presentation] could have happened in my office,” Kilpatrick responded. “Grandstanding is not beneficial to our citizens. … It was a total blindside. It was childish.” Sort of like finding out about lurid text messages sent to coworkers that contradict grand jury testimonies.

5049: Taxing Tidbits.

A Restful Defense In A MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Wesley Snipes’ defense rested in the tax-evasion trial on Monday, and lawyers are scheduled to deliver closing arguments on Tuesday. “We chose not to call witnesses because there was no need to. The government prosecutors have put on a case that simply does not come close to meeting the standard of its burden of proof,” said Snipes’ lawyer. “It was obvious after we went over the evidence the government presented that we could move on to closing arguments immediately and get a just acquittal for Wesley on all counts listed in the indictment.” Plus, they’ll probably need time to read Snipes’ 600-page closing argument.

• Foxy Brown lost in her bid for early release due to medical conditions involving loss of hearing. Guess the judge wasn’t hearing it.

Essay 4997

A light MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The new CEO at Sprint announced his intention to fire thousands of employees for cost-cutting efficiencies. Talk about moving at the speed of light. Sprint ahead—to the unemployment office.

• Foxy Brown filed a request to be released from prison early “due to her emergency medical condition relating to her progressively deteriorating hearing loss.” Plus, the rapper insists she’s a reformed woman. Wonder if the judge will buy these declarations. Sounds like in addition to growing deaf, Foxy’s getting dumb too.

Essay 4862

Making judgments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A jury convicted the Long Island millionaire couple that kept two Indonesian housekeepers as slaves. When the guilty verdict was announced, the wife and her daughter (who was also in the courtroom) both fainted. The husband and wife now face up to 40 years in prison. They’re probably wondering if they’ll be allowed to bring the slaves to keep their cells tidy.

• Foxy Brown appeared before a judge on Monday, maintaining a calm and collected demeanor. Her lawyer remarked, “[Foxy] told me, ‘Sometimes God has to humble you in order for you to realize who you actually are.’ … When you get away from the glitz and glamour, you can find inner peace within yourself.” Then Foxy probably beat the shit out of him with a cell phone.

• Folks are wondering what’s up with Michael Jackson’s face. Again. Jacko appeared at a Las Vegas bookstore sporting bandages (see photo below). The King of Pop’s spokesperson could not explain the bandages. At this point, can the spokesperson possibly explain anything about Jacko?

Essay 4817

Monday Morning’s MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The New York Post reported Foxy Brown maintains her diva attitude in prison, sporting Louis Vuitton and Gucci sneakers that she replaces whenever they become dirty. Has Mr. Blackwell started a “Best Dressed List” for the incarcerated?

• Michael Vick is scheduled for sentencing today for his role in a dogfighting operation. Wonder if Nike will supply him with sneakers during his prison stay.

• Civil rights leader Andrew Young sparked controversy with a bad joke he made during a TV interview. Comparing Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, Young remarked, “Bill is every bit as Black as Barack. He’s probably gone with more Black women than Barack.” Young immediately added, “I’m clowning.” Bozo and Ronald McDonald strongly deny any association with Young.

Essay 4760

Faking progress in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was taken out of segregated confinement early, serving only 40 days of a 76-day sentence. The rapper had been placed in special holding for various offenses including screaming at guards and refusing to take a drug test, but was released for good behavior. Hey, it’s pretty rare to see Foxy Brown and good behavior in the same paragraph.

• New York radio personality DJ Star, who was fired for on-air threats and sexual comments directed at a rival’s wife and 4-year-old daughter (see Essay 868), is reportedly returning to the airwaves. What’s next? The Michael Richards Comedy Comeback? Dog the Bounty Hunter’s Christmas Special?

• Advertising Age reported Dentsu is seeking a dismissal of the Steve Biegel lawsuit (see Essay 4685). “If [Biegel] thought he had valid legal claims, he should have filed his lawsuit a year ago,” said a Dentsu spokesman. “Instead, he prepared his lawsuit and showed it to some of Dentsu’s biggest clients, while he and his attorney were attempting to extract in excess of $1 million from Dentsu.” Hey, a million bucks will buy a lot of Prague prostitutes. Regarding Biegel’s charge that his termination was tied to being Jewish, the spokesman added, “He was Jewish when he was hired by Dentsu, he was Jewish when he was fired and his firing was approved by the president of Dentsu, who is also Jewish. Mr. Biegel has provided not one shred of proof that his faith had anything to do with his firing.” Oy vey.

Essay 4617

A solitary MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was sentenced to 76 days in solitary confinement for assorted violations committed at Rikers Island. The incidents included getting into a shoving match with another inmate, verbally abusing a corrections officer and refusing to take a random drug test. Plus, she may face more disciplinary action for refusing to board a bus and make a court date a few weeks ago (see Essay 4581). Somebody needs to explain the concept of rehabilitation to the rapper.

• A gay rights group is asking Sen. Barack Obama to drop a gospel singer currently touring for fundraiser events. Singer Donnie McClurkin’s views on homosexuality include statements like, “I don’t believe that it is the intention of God. … Sexuality, everything is a matter of choice.” Obama responded by declaring, “I have consistently spoken directly to African-American religious leaders about the need to overcome the homophobia that persists in some parts our community so that we can confront issues like HIV/AIDS and broaden the reach of equal rights in this country. I strongly believe that African Americans and the LGBT community must stand together in the fight for equal rights. And so I strongly disagree with Reverend McClurkin’s views and will continue to fight for these rights as president of the United States to ensure that America is a country that spreads tolerance instead of division.” Maybe Obama can replace McClurkin with Foxy Brown.

Essay 4581

A busload of bullshit in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown pulled a Rosa Parks on Friday, refusing to get on a Rikers Island bus for a court date in Brooklyn. A prosecutor in the case said, “She wanted to have an opportunity to change her clothes and put on makeup and be a bit more prettied up for court.” Things could get ugly, as the definitely irate judge rescheduled the arraignment for next Tuesday.

• The former Duke University men’s lacrosse coach has also launched a lawsuit against the school, although this filing stems from a financial settlement he made with the school earlier in the year. The ex-coach feels the university broke the terms of the confidential agreement when an official made disparaging remarks about him. By the time all the lawsuits are finished, this may be the team’s most profitable season ever.

Essay 4455

Ladies Fright Out in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Josie Smith-Malave, a former contestant on “Top Chef,” detailed an ugly gay-bashing experience. The openly gay woman (pictured above), her sister and a gay friend were attacked and beaten by an angry group of morons in Long Island about two weeks ago. Smith-Malave said, “I’ve never experienced something like that before, when you come face to face with people who are so angry.” Guess reality TV is still not as obscene as reality.

• At one point, sources claimed jail-bound rapper Foxy Brown was pregnant. But her manager announced, “…to the pregnancy rumors, this is the official statement: She is not pregnant.” All other negative statements related to the rapper are patently true.

• Rapper Remy Ma, already facing up to 25 years in the slammer for shooting a girlfriend in the stomach, is now looking at witness-tampering and gang-assault charges too. Get ready for a Foxy Brown-Remy Ma jailhouse concert on BET soon.

• Diddy’s in trouble again for advertising created to hype his designer fragrance, prompting speculation he’ll be forced to revise the work, as he toned down original Unforgivable ads. The spots show Diddy and model Jessica Gomez in various states of erotic play, and even MTV has indicated the network can’t run the stuff. Since when did MTV get a conscience? Can’t imagine Diddy’s work is any less obscene than Britney Spears’ performance at the Video Music Awards.

Essay 4429

Crimes and punishments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was sentenced to a year in jail for probation-related violations. The judge declared, “I’m not going to give you any more chances. … I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law.” If Brown gets a Nicole Richie deal, she’ll be free in about a week.

• Former Duke lacrosse team prosecutor Mike Nifong left prison this morning after serving his one-day sentence. A small crowd of supporters cheered the disbarred lawyer. Nifong offered gratitude to the jail personnel “for the professionalism with which I was treated and the respect which I was shown.” Nifong can’t look forward to receiving much more of that outside of the slammer.

• Embattled Rep. William Jefferson accused the Justice Department of racial discrimination, arguing charges were filed against him in Virginia versus Washington in order to lessen the chance of finding Black jurors. Investigators originally found $90,000 stuffed in Jefferson’s refrigerator in Washington. No word yet if Jefferson has a Frigidaire® in Virginia.

• Countrywide Financial Corporation plans to cut up to 12,000 jobs. The terminations will probably happen countrywide.

Essay 4390

Jiminy! It’s another MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Sen. Larry Craig is now proclaiming he’s not gay, while another man is claiming he had sex with the elected official in a train-station restroom. “I am not gay. I never have been gay,” declared the senator, who was arrested in June for soliciting an undercover cop in an airport restroom (see Essay 4387). “I don’t go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn’t do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!” Jiminy is probably a man he met in another restroom.

• The New York Post reports that Foxy Brown is a subdued prisoner at Rikers Island (see Essay 4387). “Everyone who passes by looks at her—she’s usually sleeping or reading her books,” said an inmate. “Her hair looks like whoever did it ran. That’s how much the weave is coming apart.” Jiminy!

Essay 4387

Bathroom breaks in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• What’s with elected officials and public restrooms? Florida State Rep. Bob Allen was busted for offering $20 and a blowjob to an undercover cop in a park restroom last month (see Essay 4288). Now there’s news of Idaho Senator Larry E. Craig, who allegedly made sexual advances to an undercover cop in an adjoining toilet stall at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport last June. According to reports, Craig tapped his foot—a known signal to engage in nasty behavior—and also brushed his foot against the cop’s and repeatedly waved his hand under the stall divider. But the senator insists it’s all a misunderstanding. “At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions,” said Craig in a statement. “I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct.” Probably just signaling for extra toilet paper.

• Foxy Brown, currently penned up on Rikers Island for probation violations, filed a suit against the Correction Department in the hopes of gaining freedom. But a judge nixed the move. Foxy might get the attention of elected officials if she writes out a plea on toilet paper.

Essay 4365

Doing time in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown is heading to jail, pending a hearing on probation-violation charges scheduled for September 7. The three-months pregnant rapper has routinely been causing trouble for months (see Essay 4361). “She has finally abused the privilege of probation to the point of no return,” said a probation department lawyer. “Her actions are offensive at best, criminal at worst.” Which means she’ll soon have a new reality TV show.

• Naomi Campbell is now facing a lawsuit from a former housekeeper who was allegedly beaten by the supermodel. Which means she’ll soon have a new reality TV show too—America’s Top Model Convict…?

• Michael Jackson has one less lawsuit to worry about. A judge tossed a suit by the kin of a heart-attack victim who died at a hospital after being moved to make room for the King of Pop. Hey, Jacko’s umpteenth nose job deserves priority over the needs of regular folks.