6997: LOL Cats.

Assorted idiots in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A moron in Florida is blaming his cat for downloading child pornography on the man’s computer. There’s a pussy joke worth pursuing here.

• Wrigley dumped Rihanna assaulter Chris Brown from its celebrity spokesman roster. No word if the Doublemint Twins will charge that he also beat them with a stick. Of gum.

• An autopsy revealed Billy Mays had cocaine in his system, which led to his death in June. Wonder if they’ll keep running his commercials now. Or maybe introduce OxiClean & Sober.

• Former Democratic Congressman William Jefferson was found guilty of 11 of 16 corruption charges. He’ll definitely be cleaning out his refrigerator before heading to prison.

5307: Gagging On April Fools’ Day.

April Fools and Assorted Idiots in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for unauthorized use of his image in outdoor billboards and online advertising. It’s amazing how major advertisers continue to think they can get away with lifting copyrighted imagery without permission. It’s even more amazing that American Apparel might think anyone would prefer seeing Allen instead of the their standard soft-porn hotties.

• The Supreme Court supported an earlier federal appeals court ruling that said the FBI violated Rep. William Jefferson’s rights as a Congressman when searching his office two years ago. As a result, the FBI must return everything seized in the search; plus, they’re prohibited from reviewing any of documents before returning the material. Heaven forbid anyone took a peek in the past two years.

• Just screw it. 20,000 workers at a Nike plant in Taiwan walked off the job, fighting for higher wages. The workers currently average $59 per month and are seeking a 20 percent raise plus better lunches. They should also hold out for a few pairs of Air Jordans.

5150: Perception Versus Reality TV.

Pushing reality in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Dog the Bounty Hunter is heading back to reality TV, as A&E has decided to forgive the man for his infamous N-word tirade. “Over the last few months, Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman has taken and continues to take the appropriate steps in reaching out to several African American organizations in an effort to make amends for his private comments to his son which were released publicly,” said a statement from A&E. Look for the cable channel to also introduce The Michael Richards Show and Queer Eye starring Isaiah Washington.

• The trial of Rep. William Jefferson, charged with accepting bribes including $90,000 found in the man’s freezer, has been delayed pending an appeal. Jefferson’s attorneys argued that his status as a congressman shields him from prosecution. So A&E will have to postpone any plans to turn the man’s story into a reality TV series.

Essay 4724

Monday Morning MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Detroit was named the most dangerous city in the U.S., according to a controversial and criticized study released by a private research group. The American Society of Criminology called the study “an irresponsible misuse” of crime data. Detroit residents probably want to kill the researchers.

• A new study by the National Endowment for the Arts showed Americans are reading a lot less. We’re probably too busy killing people in Detroit.

• Representative William Jefferson, the man whose refrigerator allegedly housed a wad of bribe money, is facing two new bribery charges. Before this is all over, he’s going to need a bigger refrigerator.

Essay 4429

Crimes and punishments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Foxy Brown was sentenced to a year in jail for probation-related violations. The judge declared, “I’m not going to give you any more chances. … I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law.” If Brown gets a Nicole Richie deal, she’ll be free in about a week.

• Former Duke lacrosse team prosecutor Mike Nifong left prison this morning after serving his one-day sentence. A small crowd of supporters cheered the disbarred lawyer. Nifong offered gratitude to the jail personnel “for the professionalism with which I was treated and the respect which I was shown.” Nifong can’t look forward to receiving much more of that outside of the slammer.

• Embattled Rep. William Jefferson accused the Justice Department of racial discrimination, arguing charges were filed against him in Virginia versus Washington in order to lessen the chance of finding Black jurors. Investigators originally found $90,000 stuffed in Jefferson’s refrigerator in Washington. No word yet if Jefferson has a Frigidaire® in Virginia.

• Countrywide Financial Corporation plans to cut up to 12,000 jobs. The terminations will probably happen countrywide.