8119: Fake Ribs And Real Ribbing.

Electing to cover the news with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Forget the elections, today marks the limited return of Mickey D’s McRib. The press coverage associated with the event demonstrates the power of McDonald’s PR department—as well as the low culinary standards of the American public.

• Despite nearly $8 billion in charges associated with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill disaster, BP announced the company is profitable again. BP must be selling cooking oil to Mickey D’s.

• T.I. reported to an Arkansas prison to serve 11 months for probation violation. Look for the rapper to return to profitability within 11 months or sooner.

• The Girl Scouts of the USA decided to continue making its uniforms in America after people protested upon learning of competitive bids being taken from overseas manufacturers. So no brown people will be sewing Brownie uniforms.

8071: Bullies & Bullshit.

Weekend Web News in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Facebook is teaming with a gay-advocacy group to reduce hate speech and bullying on the social media site. Based on the movie detailing the founding of Facebook—The Social Network—the site’s creator certainly produced his fair share of online mischief bordering on bullying during the early years.

• T.I. is heading back to jail, ordered to serve an additional 11 months for probation violation. The rapper/actor had previously been released four years early from prison, striking a deal whereby he’d to spend time telling young people about the perils of drugs, crime and gangs. Guess he’s now offering an advanced lesson to the kids.

• Republican Senate nominee Christine O’Donnell is whining that the Republican establishment in Washington is not helping her out. Um, the woman’s nuttiness is not helping either. Perhaps it’s time for O’Donnell to tap into her witchcraft skills.

• Moronic Florida pastor Terry Jones is collecting a free car in exchange for agreeing to halt his plans to burn copies of the Quran. There’s a car bomb joke here, folks.

• A new study indicates up to 17 percent of U.S. medical costs—about $168 billion—can be blamed on obesity, which is nearly twice the impact on medical spending versus figures from previous studies. Of course, Mickey D’s and other fast feeders would argue that people choose to spend more on medical costs.

8061: The News In Black And Whitey.

Sundry news briefs in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• In Illinois, Green Party gubernatorial candidate Rich Whitney was upset to learn his name appears as “Whitey” on electronic voting machines in nearly two dozen wards. “I don’t want to be identified as ‘Whitey.’ If this is happening in primarily African-American wards, that’s an even bigger concern,” said Whitney. “I don’t know if this is machine politics at play or why this happened.” Gee, talk about White paranoia.

• Olympian Tommie Smith—famous for his Black Power salute at the victory podium—is seeking to sell his medal, with the bidding starting at $250,000. Wow, that’s a fistful of money.

• A National Center for Health Statistics report shows U.S. Latinos outlive Whites and Blacks. Well, that should drive immigration critics crazy.

• Rapper T.I. is credited with helping persuade a suicidal man from jumping off a rooftop. The man agreed to come down in exchange for a few minutes with the actor/recording artist. Actually, T.I. could have accelerated matters by simply shooting the guy down with one of his machine guns.

• The figure for homes repossessed by banks shot to a record total of 102,134 in September, crossing the 100,000 mark for the first time in a single month. Gee, that should have folks jumping off of repossessed roofs.

• Responding to customer complaints, Starbucks has instructed baristas to slow down when making beverages. Other instructions include steaming the milk for drinks one drink at a time versus steaming an entire pitcher and then using it for several drinks, as well as rinsing pitchers right after using them. Some baristas are complaining the new measures are doubling the amount of time customers must wait in line. But honestly, the fact that Starbucks has been operating with such a conveyor belt mentality—coupled with the unsanitary nature of not rinsing pitchers immediately—sure dulls the mystique of the Starbucks experience.

7933: King-Sized Rumors.

Speculation and hearsay in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Rumors indicate Burger King is for sale. “In fiscal year 2010, we faced sustained levels of high unemployment and a fragile global economy that combined made this one of the toughest operating environments in recent history,” declared Burger King Chairman and CEO John Chidsey. A sale could lead to a major Whopper Freakout.

• Rumors indicate Wesley Snipes has hired private investigators to stalk the wife of Ponzi schemer Ken Starr, hoping to find evidence to clear the actor of tax charges. Sounds like a twist on O.J. Simpson vowing to hunt down Nicole’s killers.

• It’s no rumor—T.I. and his wife were arrested on drug charges. Perhaps the ex-con-rapper-actor is starting some sort of prison family plan.

7632: Out Of The Closet And Cage.

Out and about with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The publishers of Archie are planning to introduce the comic series’ first openly gay character—Kevin Keller. The qualifier “openly” is important, as Jughead will continue to remain in the closet.

• T.I. is out of prison, but he has not yet regained the respect he once commanded. The rapper stormed off after being denied access at an ESPN Magazine NFL Pre-Draft party. Let’s hope he didn’t head to the parking lot to grab guns out of his car.

7386: Stocking Stuffers.

A Merry MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• José Feliciano was seeing red over a parody of his iconic “Feliz Navidad” tune. The spoof version—which appeared on a conservative website—mocked illegal immigrants. Feliciano remarked he was “revolted beyond words,” as the song was intended to be a “bridge” between cultures versus “a vehicle for a political platform of racism and hate.” The website creators apologized and removed the offensive work, which undoubtedly spoiled the holiday cheer for the website’s regular visitors.

• Rapper T.I. is not spending the holidays behind bars, as he was released from a federal prison on Tuesday to serve the remainder of his time in a Georgia halfway house. BET will probably try to create a reality TV series titled, “T.I. In Da Halfway House” or “Halfway House Party.”

• TAG Heuer reset their watches and public statements by deciding to support spokesman Tiger Woods. “TAG Heuer confirms today that it will continue its relationship with golf No. 1 Tiger Woods but will respect his desire of privacy by modifying his role in the coming months’ marketing programs,” stated the advertiser. “Tiger Woods became a TAG Heuer brand ambassador in 2002. The relationship between the leader in prestigious sports watches and chronographs since 1860 and golf virtuoso Tiger Woods has always been extremely professional and productive.” This probably means that Woods was also sleeping with a TAG Heuer female executive.

6745: Getting Dealers Off The Street.

Dealing with bad news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• General Motors followed Chrysler’s lead, announcing a move to dump 2,600 of its 6,200 dealerships. The automaker admitted there were too many dealerships under-performing or competing with each other. An industry analyst remarked, “No longer will people be able to shop between three or four dealers within 15 minutes of each other for the best cutthroat price.” Actually, Americans have been ignoring all three or four GM dealers within 15 minutes of each other.

• Rapper T.I. is heading to Arkansas, where he’s scheduled to begin his prison sentence for federal weapons charges starting on May 26. No word if he’ll be dumping his arms dealers before reporting to jail.

• The Air Transport Association predicted U.S. airlines will carry nearly 14 million less summer passengers. However, the organization anticipates there will be zero reduction in lost luggage.

6591: T.G.I.F. & T.I.

In the Black with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Brazilian President Luiz Inacio blasted “white people with blue eyes” for the economic woes in the world. Aiming his barbs at the European Union and the U.S., Inacio declared, “This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who thought they knew everything and now show they know nothing.” When asked to elaborate, he replied, “I only record what I see in the press. I am not acquainted with a single Black banker.” Can’t even come up with a joke for this one, folks.

• Sears and Kmart are updating their websites to create more user-friendly experiences, allowing visitors to easily view items from both stores without clicking back and forth. For an even better experience, customers are encouraged to click Walmart.com.

• Charter Communications, the nation’s fourth-largest cable company, filed for bankruptcy. Customers are encouraged to click Comcast.com.

• T.I. was sentenced to a year and a day in prison for trying to buy machine guns and silencers. Machine guns and silencers make a weird combination. And the sentence seems light. After all, Foxy Brown got a similar sentence for attacking someone with a cell phone—without a silencer.

6515: Taking Hits.

Web watching with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The news of Michael Jackson performing in London led to a spike in traffic at MichaelJacksonLive.com. “The site is receiving 16,000 requests per second, so demand is extremely high, phenomenal is an understatement,” said a spokesperson. The majority of the visits are probably from Tito and Jermaine seeking to get in on the act.

• TMZ.com claims Coolio was busted with crack at Los Angeles International Airport. Hey, that should spike visits to the gossip site.

• Recording artist, actor and jail-bound T.I. was prohibited from appearing at a Brooklyn middle school. A Department of Education spokeswoman said the scheduled visit, which would have also aired on T.I.’s MTV reality show, was too “commercial” to be allowed. Prior to the announcement, school students, faculty and parents were hyped about potentially meeting the star. Maybe they can call in Jacko or Coolio as a replacement.

5291: Getting Fitted For Orange Jumpsuits.

Heading for the big house in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Remy Ma burst into tears upon being convicted of shooting a pal in the stomach. “Oh, my God! My son! My son!” hollered the rapper, who now faces up to 25 years in jail. A supporter in the courtroom had to be ejected after shouting, “Fuck y’all!” He later remarked, “I don’t like that judge. … She should die slow.” Sounds like the perfect character witness to appear during sentencing.

• No tears from T.I. The rapper pleaded guilty to illegal weapons charges stemming from an incident involving his bodyguard buying three machine guns and silencers. T.I. is looking at up to a year in prison. Which could make for an awesome concert in conjunction with Remy Ma.

• Supporters are soliciting donations for embattled Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. “Just because people accuse you of things and charge you with things doesn’t mean you’re guilty,” said a fundraiser. “It’s a bad economy; people don’t have money. But he’s a native son, and we need to do everything we can to keep him from going down.” It’s a bad economy? Well, maybe the mayor should have spent more time balancing the budget versus texting with his Fave 5.

Essay 4752

[UPDATE: View comments at Essay 4750 and Essay 4759 for clarification.]

Essay 4700

Media mania in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Shock jock Don Imus is not only returning to radio, but he’ll also be broadcast on cable via RFD-TV. Imus will probably run alongside Dog the Bounty Hunter and the Michael Richards Show.

• Judith Regan, the former publisher who promoted O. J. Simpson’s “If I Did It” book, filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. Regan claims she was asked to fib to federal investigators to support Rudolph Giuliani’s presidential bid; plus, she was the victim of a “smear campaign” following her involvement with Simpson’s memoir. If Regan wins her lawsuit, Simpson will probably kill her.

• A new study by the Pew Research Center shows more Blacks believe they’re worse off than five years ago and are pessimistic about racial progress. Blame it on O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson and Stan O’Neal—Michael Vick too.

• T.I. is confident he won’t be convicted on federal weapons charges. In an online video, the rapper said, “I look forward to being exonerated on all charges… and I say that with the utmost sincerity.” Guess not all Blacks are pessimistic about the future.

Essay 4633

Spacing out with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Astronauts on the international space station added a new room to the complex—a compartment that will serve as a docking port. If U.S. astronauts were involved in the creation, it’s sure to feature a full wet bar too.

• T.I. was released from jail after posting a $3 million bond on Friday, and he’ll be on home confinement until his trial for weapons charges. No word on how he’ll shoot the time away.

• The founder of Overstock.com thinks people overreacted to his recent comments, and he rejected the NAACP’s call for an apology. Patrick Byrne was speaking at a debate in support of school vouchers for Utah families when he said, “Right now, 40% of Utah minorities are not graduating from high school. You may as well burn those kids. That’s the end of their life. That’s the end of their ability to achieve in this society if they do not get a high school education. You might as, just throw the kids away.” Responding to criticism, Byrne remarked, “These folks have been selective in their editing. I very clearly said the system is throwing away 40% of the minority kids because they’re not graduating. I’m saying that I’m against throwing kids away. People against vouchers are in favor of throwing the kids away.” Voucher opponent and NAACP Salt Lake branch president Jeanetta Williams didn’t buy the explanation, insisting Byrne meant that non-graduating minorities should be burned or discarded. She also noted Byrne failed to mention the White students who don’t graduate (Utah is over 80 percent White, 11 percent Latino and 1 percent Black). “It says he’s not sympathetic to the minority community and he means exactly what he said,” argued Williams. Unfortunately, this spat isn’t over yet.

Essay 4607

Weekend Rap Up with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Rapper T.I. pleaded not guilty to illegal weapons charges, and he will remain in jail for at least a week while the judge considers a bond deal. Maybe the rapper will spend the time working on his next album, “T.I. vs ATF.”

• Rapper Nas is battling with Rev. Jesse Jackson over his next album, which will named after the N-word. “The title using the N-word is morally offensive and socially distasteful. Nas has the right to degrade and denigrate in the name of free speech, but there is no honor in it,” said Jackson. “Radio and television stations have no obligation to play it and self-respecting people have no obligation to buy it. I wish he would use his talents to lift up and inspire, not degrade.” Nas shot back, “We’re taking power from the word. … No disrespect to none of them who were part of the civil rights movement, but some … in the streets don’t know who [civil rights activist] Medgar Evers was … they know who Nas is. … And to my older people who don’t know who Nas is and who don’t know what a street disciple is, stay outta this [expletive] conversation. We’ll talk to you when we’re ready. Right now, we’re on a whole new movement. We’re taking power from that word.” Word.

Essay 4591

Charging forward with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Rapper T.I. will remain in jail until a bail hearing takes place later in the week. He was busted for a gun-related incident on Saturday (see Essay 4587), after his bodyguard allegedly sought to purchase three machineguns and two silencers during an ATF sting. Sounds like a pretty minor offense for the average rap artist.

• Lawyers for Madison Square Garden and Knicks coach Isiah Thomas are preparing to challenge the $11.6 million jury award from the infamous sexual harassment trial. Perhaps these morons should focus their time on challenging the amount of money being paid to the busters on their NBA team.

• Diddy may be facing charges for fighting with another man at a SoHo nightclub last Saturday. The brawl allegedly was over a girlfriend both men have dated. During the battle, Diddy reportedly screamed, “I’ll kill you, punk!” More than likely, he’ll wind up paying the punk.

• It’s official. Don Imus will be back on the air December 1 via WABC Radio. The Rev. Jesse Jackson said he’s hoping Imus “uses the restoration of his public forum to uplift, not to degrade. … We respect his right to return to the airwaves, but the American people that criticized his actions will watch him closely.” Imus should book the Rutgers University women’s basketball team as his first guests.

• Another co-defendant in the latest O.J. Simpson fiasco announced he’ll plead guilty to a reduced charge and testify against Simpson and others. Don Imus is going to be really pissed if the case is over before December 1.

• AOL is cutting 2,000 employees—roughly 20 percent of its workforce—to reduce costs and support its online advertising ventures. Wonder if the axed employees were notified via email.

Essay 4587

Liar, liar in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Sen. Larry Craig announced he’ll file an appeal today in response to a judge nixing his attempt to withdraw the guilty plea in his infamous toilet stall incident. “It is my right to do what I’m doing,” declared Craig. “I’ve already provided for Idaho certainty that Idaho needed—I’m not running for re-election. I’m no longer in the way. I am pursuing my constitutional rights.” Referring to his initial secrecy surrounding the arrest, Craig added, “I didn’t want to embarrass my wife, my kids, Idaho and my friends. … And I wrestled with it a long while. … I should have told my wife. I should have told my kids. And most importantly, I should have told counsel.” It’s somehow fitting that a guy whose career will forever be defined by a toilet stall is so full of shit.

• The lawyer for rapper T.I., who was busted for his alleged involvement in a gun sting (see Essay 4583), insists his client is innocent. “He’s not guilty. There are two sides to every story. We are asking everyone to withhold judgment,” said the lawyer. This guy ought to be working for Sen. Larry Craig.

Essay 4583

Fame is a four-letter word in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Sen. Larry Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame on Saturday. “I hope in a very sincere way that the attention that’s been brought to me has not lessened the honor you receive,” said Craig, addressing the other event honorees. The senator, referring to a Brad Pitt quote that stated, “Fame’s a bitch, man,” later remarked, “My fame of the last month, I would liken to the definition Brad Pitt gave it.” Craig also probably hopes to someday meet Pitt in a toilet stall.

• Rapper T.I. was arrested in a weapons sting after his bodyguard allegedly sought to purchase machine guns and silencers from an undercover ATF agent. The bodyguard said he was buying the stuff for T.I., who was busted mere hours before a scheduled performance at the BET Hip-Hop Awards. Guess no awards show is complete without the threat of firearms.

• The success of Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Indians has brought new protests over the team’s Chief Wahoo mascot from the region’s American Indian community. “War bonnets. Face paint. Feathers galore. It’s really being thrown in our faces right now. … There’s a lot of native people in this community who like baseball. Unfortunately, we really can’t enjoy the game like everybody else,” said the chairman of the Committee of 500 Years of Dignity and Resistance, a local indigenous-rights group. The founder and director of the American Indian Education Center of Cleveland added, “If you called the team the Cleveland Negroes, the Cleveland Jews, you would have a problem. But it’s OK to say Cleveland Indians? No, it’s not. It dehumanizes us.” A team spokesman responded, “We believe it’s an individual perspective issue. When people look at our logo, they think baseball.” And when they think baseball, they likely think historical exclusivity, insensitivity and racism.

• A new government report indicated 7 percent of full-time U.S. workers battled depression in the past year. The highest depression rates were reported at 11 percent among personal-care workers. Coming in second at 10.3 percent were people who prepare and serve food. This could explain the sour demeanors of most Mickey D’s employees.