Essay 129

Desperately seeking the essence of a decent concept in the latest issue of Essence…

Kelly Rowland is working it for Soft Sheen • Carson, hawking Dark and Lovely’s new Color Flash. Five pages later, she’s hyping Dark and Lovely’s Moisturizing Relaxer. Let’s hope the products deliver as advertised, or Kelly’s next hair gig will be for Rogaine. Ironically, appearing between Kelly’s ads is a L’Oréal spread featuring Beyoncé. L’Oréal is the parent company of Soft Sheen • Carson. Looks like poor Kelly still hasn’t made the spokesperson A-list.

Tampax Pearl presents a sistah at her yoga class with the headline, “Who would have thought a tampon could get me to that Zen place?” That’s quite a stretch for even a Master Yogi. Don’t mean to get crude, but a tampon ad shouldn’t have body copy that also exclaims, “Whoa, the blood’s rushing to my head.”

Royal Caribbean International continues to display some of the worst Photoshop compositing around. And some of the worst photos too. The tagline is, “Get out there.” It should be shortened to, “Get out.”

Toyota Corolla rolls in with more questionable Photoshop compositing. A brotha and his hot ride are superimposed over a variety of tickets for entertainment and sporting events. The headline states, “Fun is where you find it.” Wasn’t sure about the relevance here, unless Toyota’s targeting scalpers. Then later in the magazine, American Express Gold Card brags, “it gets you prime seating to many of the most sought-after shows, concerts, and sporting events.” OK, now it all makes sense. Black folks love entertainment and sporting events.

Levi Strauss Signature Jeans offers the obligatory girlfriends get-together, with laughing ladies huddled around the piano. Coca-Cola pours out another girlfriends get-together, with a spirited birthday bash. Family get-togethers are staged by American Airlines (with Grandma serving her traditional pound cake), Vanity Fair Napkins (with Mama serving Chinese takeout) and Tyson meat products (with everyone celebrating at the family barbecue).

Three advertisers attempt to flaunt their commitment to education. “Hamburger Helper helps you make his dreams come true,” according to the headline over a kid in a school hallway. Collecting box tops leads to General Mills making donations for academic purposes. Talk to the hand puppet. Lay’s chips in a 3-page special section listing back-to-school tips. Given the recent controversies surrounding the health risks of potato chips and french fries, the suggestions should include expelling Lay’s products from the household cupboard. State Farm Insurance rounds out the trio with a tyke wearing a Morehouse sweatshirt. This ad has been running so long, the photographed kid is probably completing his second master’s degree.

Nissan Infiniti sputters along with its Black campaign, this time spotlighting a Black dancer. Fade to black on this execution already. Mickey D’s trots out a contrived layout with Premium Chicken Sandwiches on a fashion show runway. This ad was never in vogue. B. Smith promotes Palmolive dishwashing liquid with the headline, “B. Powerful.” B. Gone, please. Verizon Broadband… aw, hell, this one’s so bad it’s not even worth dissing.

Is it possible to request a subscription refund?