Essay 112

Don’t mess with MultiCultClassics Minutes…

• Don’t mess with Texas. A neighbor of President Bush caused a ruckus by shooting his rifle in the air, probably frustrated over the throngs of anti-war protesters at Bush’s ranch. The police and Secret Service declined to arrest the gun-toting moron, who cracked he was merely preparing for dove-hunting season. Can’t help but think authorities would have responded differently if the neighbor had any other skin tone.

• Don’t mess with the chef. The White House finally made an official appointment that has not yet created controversy. First Lady Laura Bush named Cristeta Comerford executive chef. Comerford is the first female and minority (a naturalized U.S. citizen from the Philippines) to hold the post. She is advised to wear a protective vest when preparing dinner for the neighbors.

• Don’t mess with gay pride. Roberto Hernandez cashed in by coming out of the closet. In 2002 a Spanish-language radio show revealed Hernandez was a homosexual during a live broadcast — without his permission. The incident prompted Hernandez to go straight. Straight to a lawyer, that is. After legal negotiations, Hernandez ultimately received nearly $270,000 in total damages from Univision Radio.

• Don’t mess White pride. White supremacists are close to qualifying for ballot access in Nevada elections. If successful, the National Vanguard will be the country’s only party with a racist platform. Not counting certain segments of the Republican Party.

• Don’t mess with the justice system. Or technically, don’t get caught messing with the justice system. The U.S. Supreme Court overturned a murder conviction after discovering attorneys used a how-to manual for keeping minorities from acting as jurors. Jon Sparling, a top assistant to District Attorney Henry Wade, wrote the manual in 1969 — and it was used for over 20 years. Instructions included:

“You are not looking for any member of a minority group which may subject him to oppression — they almost always empathize with the accused.”

“Look for physical afflictions. These people usually sympathize with the accused.”

“Extremely overweight people, especially women and young women, indicate a lack of self-discipline and often times instability. I like the lean and hungry look.”

Sparling is now retired, but when probed about the manual in 2002 by the New York Times, he claimed he had written it “informally and quickly, without being careful of his words.” Funny, it looks like he was extraordinarily careful with his words. Oh, by the way… this entire mess happened in Texas.