Essay 155

Failed presidential assassin John W. Hinckley Jr. wants a girlfriend, according to his psychologist. Wait a minute. Isn’t that essentially what got him in trouble to begin with? Maybe it would be better if Hinckley became a cellmate’s bitch.

Five alleged illegal immigrants who sought help after Hurricane Katrina have been instructed to show up for deportation hearings. Wait a minute. Didn’t the Homeland Security Department advise all victims to seek assistance regardless of their status? Looks like for some folks, it would have been better to lie low and loot.

President Bush received a bipartisan committee’s report listing proposals to restore public confidence in America’s election system. Wait a minute. Wasn’t Bush’s shady victory in 2000 the event that originally shattered everyone’s faith in the process? Somebody fax copies of the report to Al Gore and John Kerry.

DiversityInc revealed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has been facing an emergency in its corporate ranks — the organization is extraordinarily White. Plus, FEMA has seen a flood of race and gender bias complaints over the past year. Wait a minute. Didn’t FEMA display cultural insensitivity during a recent natural disaster with a disproportionately high number of minority victims? Guess nobody noticed in all the commotion.

A Starbucks at Baylor University stopped using cups featuring a gay writer’s quotation, as folks feared the words might be inappropriate for a Baptist college. Wait a minute. Isn’t the Starbucks logo a topless mermaid? Plus, a gay quote is not so obscene as the cost of an Espresso Roast Grande.

Oprah Winfrey invited Robert Chavez, the CEO of upscale retailer Hermès, to appear on her TV show and apologize for an incident that occurred at a Parisian shop. Wait a minute. Did Hermès somehow diss Oprah in Paris?