9266: Award-Winning News Items.

A Monday Morning MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Eddie Murphy is reportedly in negotiations to host the next Academy Awards show. However, if Alan Arkin is asked to present anything, look for Murphy to exit the theater pronto.

• The negative reaction to Chaz Bono as a contestant for the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars is growing uglier. Sources speculate some of the nastiness may be coming from Bible Belt viewers being riled up by criticisms of Bono in sermons delivered by angry preachers. You’d think churchgoers would be more concerned that their preachers are actually commenting about Dancing With the Stars.

• GOP presidential wannabe Rep. Michele Bachmann flip-flopped on her commentary regarding an earthquake and hurricane signaling a warning from God, transitioning from saying it was a “joke” to a “metaphor.” Bachmann explained, “Obviously, I was speaking metaphorically. That was clear to the audience. It was clear to me.” It’s also clear to most audiences that Bachmann’s candidacy is a joke, metaphorically speaking. Or is it a simile? Whatever. Look for Bachmann to be nominated in 2012 for Dancing With the Stars.

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We are sorry to present this MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• New Jersey lawmakers will soon consider a measure to become the fifth state to apologize for slavery. “This is not too much to ask of the state of New Jersey,” said the bill’s sponsor. “All that is being requested … is to say three simple words: ‘We are sorry.’” No word if there will also be an apology for the New Jersey Nets.

• Retailers are extending the shopping season with Latino customers by promoting Three Kings Day—the day in Christian tradition when the three wise men visited the baby Jesus. Wal-Mart began heavily promoting the January 6 celebration last year, and it intends to expand the sales. Guess you’ll be able to pick up your gold, frankincense and myrrh at always low prices.

• Eddie Murphy married film producer Tracey Edmonds. No word if Murphy immediately left the wedding ceremony after learning he didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in Dreamgirls.

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Jamming in an extra MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Pearl Jam got jammed during a performance at Chicago’s Lollapalooza last Sunday. A live Internet broadcast of the show—carried on AT&T’s “Blue Room” site—deleted lyrics criticizing President Bush. AT&T admitted to the cut, but insists it was a mistake. “We don’t have a policy in place to censor,” said an AT&T spokesperson. “We have a policy on excessive profanity. This was an honest mistake. There was no censorship intended.” AT&T advertises its wireless service has the fewest dropped calls. Dropped insults to the president are another story.

• While Melanie Brown was dissing Eddie Murphy over child support for their 4-month-old daughter, the Scary Spice Girl quietly married new beau and film producer Stephen Belafonte. The couple enjoyed a quickie hitching at the “drive-thru” Special Memory Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, paying $59 for the ceremony. No word if Murphy covered that too.