Essay 1516

Big, fat liars in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Federal Trade Commission fined four diet pill makers for creating false advertising claims. “What we challenge is the marketing of the claims,” said an FTC official. “The marketers are required to back up the claims with the science and if they can’t do that they can’t make the claim. But we don’t ban the products from the shelves.” The money collected will allegedly go back to consumers. The FTC official added, “We always try to get money back when consumers have been deceived. … In this instance I’m pleased to say that I believe we’re going to get millions back from some of these products to be able to return it to consumers.” Consumers will probably use the loot to buy junk food.

• Experts say people who drink diet sodas may actually wind up gaining weight. A researcher from the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio said, “What we saw was that the more diet sodas a person drinks, the more weight they were likely to gain.” Nutritionists and doctors across the nation agree, but no one knows for sure why it’s happening. Some speculate diet soda drinkers may eat more because they think they can. Or maybe they’re counting on the diet pills to work.

• The Union of Concerned Scientists released a report charging ExxonMobil paid 43 ideological groups $16 million to diss the science behind global warming. ExxonMobil insists the report is “yet another attempt to smear our name and confuse the discussion of the serious issue of CO2 emissions and global climate change.” Is it a matter of inconvenient truths or convenient lies?

• Busta Rhymes has been ordered to pay $100,000 for attacking a fan in 2005 (see Essay 142). The fan had approached Rhymes in a deli, seeking an autograph. Instead, he received a knuckle sandwich and other assorted beatings. “Busta adamantly denies the charges,” said his lawyer, who then probably went back to dealing with the rapper’s other assault incidents.

• A Los Angeles judge froze the advance loot O.J. Simpson collected for his cancelled “If I Did It” book. Simpson claims he already spent the advance, but opposing lawyers insist he laundered the money to hide it. Lawyers for Simpson will probably write a defense statement titled, “If I Spent It.”

• A former Duke lacrosse player is suing the school after receiving an F in a class. The guy thinks the professor failed him because he was part of the infamous team accused of raping a stripper at a party. The school changed his grade to a D, but he wants a P for passing, plus $60,000 in damages. Talk about exaggerating the details of an alleged offense.


• Folks in New Jersey are baffled over a metallic object (pictured above) that dropped from the sky and punched a hole into a house. Somebody tell Superman to curb Krypto.