6010: Cleaning Up Assorted Acts.

Assorted news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Burger King is finally using trans fat free cooking oils nationwide, and will have trans fat removed from all its menu items by November 1. A spokesman said Burger King was unable to move faster because partners were still working toward compliance. “We’re at the mercy of our suppliers,” said the spokesman. Doesn’t sound like the King is ruling over his servants.

• Ford, Toyota and General Motors all recorded a sales drop last month. “I think consumers are waiting on the sidelines to rebuild some confidence and get back out into the market,” said the group vice president and general manager of Toyota Division in the U.S. “It was tantamount, really, to a natural disaster,” remarked a top sales analyst for Ford. And GM’s vice president of North American sales declared, “A few years ago I’d have jumped out the window with these numbers, and we’re on the 39th floor here.” Um, didn’t GM ignite enough controversy with its suicidal robot commercial?

• House Peters Jr.—the actor who portrayed the original Mr. Clean—passed away at age 92. Please take a moment of fresh-scented silence.

5741: The Right To Remain Stupid.

Fighting The Man in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• California has become the first state to ban trans fats in restaurants, a move that will affect about 88,000 places. A new bill signed by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger calls for trans fats to be removed from restaurant by 2010, and from retail baked goods by 2011. Of course, online protestors are typing out with comments like, “Am I living in America or the Third Reich? What happened to freedom of choice? I’m not a child, I can make this decision without the intervention of the government.” Of course, it should be noted that this fatty freedom fighter is probably nothing more than a PR hack or lobbyist on fast feeders’ payrolls.

• California can’t ban the Minutemen, who took back their Adopt-A-Highway position in San Diego after being initially relocated. “We are all thrilled to see our Adopt-a-Highway recognition sign back up, standing more proudly than ever,” said the anti-illegal immigration group’s founder. “The U.S. Constitution has thankfully trumped the lies and coercion of the illegal alien activists. … Thank you to Americans nationwide who helped us win this critical legal fight for our rights and to have our message heard by all America!” OK, guys, now please go back to picking up the garbage along the highway.

• A detective seeking to serve a subpoena to people in the court hearings involving embattled Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick ran into an unexpected obstacle: Kwame Kilpatrick. The detective said Kilpatrick assaulted him while hurling expletives. Kilpatrick was reprimanded by a judge for his actions and ordered to post $7,500 and undergo drug testing. “I don’t know what was going on in defendant Kilpatrick’s life that he exploded, for want of a better term,” said the judge. “This is ridiculous.” Next time, Kilpatrick should just text his expletives.

• Know those hilarious commercials with Coke Zero enthusiasts trying to sue Coke? Well, advertising fiction is becoming reality, as a Chicago businessman has filed a lawsuit charging Coke with stealing his idea for Coke Zero. Talk about a persuasive advertising campaign.

5497: Keep Your Lies On Your Fries.

Article above from the May 19, 2008 issue of Crain’s Chicago Business…

Why does a fast food joint that built its reputation on speedy service need years to rid the menu of deadly trans-fat oil? Looks like the boys running Mickey D’s are slick and slippery—and they’re playing the public for clowns.

Essay 4384

Time to make the MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Time to make the donuts healthier. Dunkin’ Donuts is eliminating trans fat from its menu, targeting October 15 as the date it will happen. Baskin-Robbins ice cream sold at the donut shops will be free of trans fat by January 1. Homer Simpson will picket the place on January 2.

• Despite Barnes & Noble’s announcement that it will not stock the upcoming O.J. Simpson “If I Did It” book (see Essay 4361), pre-order sales via the bookseller’s online site are surging. “We still have no plans to stock it in our stores,” said a Barnes & Noble spokesperson. Nonetheless, O.J. will probably make himself available for book signings.

• CBS “60 Minutes” curmudgeon Andy Rooney sparked controversy with a recent column criticizing Major League Baseball and calling out the prevalence of Latino players. “I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today’s baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me,” wrote Rooney. “They’re apparently very good but they haven’t caught my interest.” His comments drew immediate reactions, with folks accusing the old fart of racism. “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have said it,” said Mr. Rooney, although he doubted he would apologize for it. “It’s a name that seems common in baseball now. I certainly didn’t think of it in any derogatory sense. … That’s what I do for a living, I write columns and have opinions, and some of them are pretty stupid” Nice to see Rooney realizes he’s a professional racist.

Essay 4347

Making zero progress in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Elvira Arellano, the illegal immigrant who took refuge in a Chicago church for the past year, has been arrested in Los Angeles (photo above). Arellano was in Los Angeles to participate in immigrant-rights meetings when authorities busted her. “She broke the law. You cannot use your child as a human shield to ignore immigration laws,” said the western regional coordinator of the Federation for American Immigration Reform. “You cannot say: I have a child who is an American citizen. That makes me immune to any law I violated.” Hasta la vista, baby.

• Zero does not equal zero when it comes to trans fat. Federal regulations say it’s ok to proclaim your product has zero grams of trans fat if there’s less than half a gram per serving. But most packages contain more than a single serving. Plus, most people eat more than a single serving at once. So the regulations kinda make zero sense.

Essay 4263

Conflicts of disinterest in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The Telemundo network suspended reporter Mirthala Salinas for covering Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa in more ways than one (both pictured above). The woman had been romantically involved with the elected official while she also reported on him for KVEA-TV Channel 52. A memo from the station read, “while the content and accuracy of KVEA’s newscasts were not compromised, our news policy standards with respect to conflict of interest were clearly violated.” Bet lots of folks are feeling violated right now.

• A free concert to cheer up the Virginia Tech community has come under fire because it includes rapper Nas. People are complaining because Nas’ lyrics include violent themes, particularly a 1999 track with the chants, “Shoot ‘em up, just shoot ‘em up, what?” and “Kill, kill, kill, murder, murder, murder.” A spokesman for pissed-off people said the lyrics “are indicative of the moral decay in our society that contributes to acts of violence. For a university official to condone it or to be clueless of what this person’s track record is, it’s unconscionable beyond belief.” Hey, in America, cluelessness is never an exclusive dysfunction.

• Despite the New York City ban on trans fat, a new study showed fast feeders like Wendy’s and Burger King continue to feature high levels of the killer ingredient. Although Wendy’s claimed it cut trans fat in 2006, it still appears in the food. Apparently, the guidelines only cover usage of oil containing less than .5 grams of trans fat—selling other foods with higher levels is ok. Plus, the new ban doesn’t prohibit restaurants from using French fries that have been pre-cooked with trans fat levels exceeding the limits. Seems like the mandates have lots of fat loopholes.

• Sony recalled 416,000 digital cameras whose metal cases were prone to warping and slashing people’s hands. Talk about staying on the cutting edge.