13655: American Gladiators & Aviators.

The Huffington Post published a report about an ugly confrontation between an American Airlines employee and passenger—and the video player aired a Delta Airlines commercial with a track singing, “Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it’s off to work we go!”

6659: Calling Out Cluelessness.

Everybody Loves A MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Comedian actor Brad Garrett is catching heat for uttering racist remarks. As an Arab man sought to take his photograph, Garrett hollered, “Wear the turban!” On second thought, let’s remove “comedian” from the man’s title.

• Delta Airlines will stop using call centers in India, following years of complaints from customers expressing a strong preference to speak with someone from the U.S. Brad Garrett must fly Delta often.

• General Motors announced it might need more bailout loot in the neighborhood of $5 billion. No word yet from Brad Garrett.

6125: Assorted Losers.

TGIF with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer won’t face any legal problems for his escapades with prostitutes. A federal probe revealed Spitzer did not use public or campaign money for his call girls, so he won’t be charged. However, hookers will continue to charge him big time.

• The head honcho of the new Delta-Northwest Airlines recently declared customers could expect business as usual after the merger. Now the airline announced a fresh $15 fee to check one bag. Yep, business as usual.

• Wendy’s reported a 3Q profits loss, attributing the drop to its takeover by the owner of Arby’s. Regardless, the results are waaaaay worse than fast food rivals’ profits.

• Fidelity announced intentions to cut 1,300 jobs. Wonder if the employees know how to rollover their 401(k) plans.

• Anheuser-Busch reported a 3Q profit loss, attributing the drop to its pending sale to InBev. It’s also probably related to constantly running those annoyingly shitty “Drinkability” commercials.

6110: King-Sized Profits And Losses.

TGIF with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Burger King reported 1Q profits swelled 2 percent. Americans’ waistlines likely increased significantly more.

• Delta Air Lines finished its acquisition of Northwest Airlines to become the world’s largest carrier. Which technically translates to the world’s largest failing airline. “I will tell you from a customer perspective and a frequent-flier perspective it is business as usual,” said the chief executive. Wow, guess we can expect the same lousy service at the same lousy prices. The only benefit appears to be having one less airline to complain about.

• The Washington Post reported The Washington Post reported 3Q profits dropped 86 percent. The reporter who reported the report will probably be asked to report to HR along with other laid-off reporters.

6050: FYI 3Q 411.

Profiting with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Coca-Cola reported a 14 percent increase in 3Q profits. While U.S. sales were weak, the overall profit boost came from emerging markets. Maybe the U.S. should trade Coke for oil.

• Delta Airlines reported 3Q losses at $50 million. That’s probably about $1 for every piece of luggage the airline lost.

• Wells Fargo 3Q profits dropped 25 percent. It’s pretty crazy when your profits drop so dramatically, but you’re still able to find $14.4 billion to buy another bank.

5761: Bad Business As Usual.

Midweek MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Delta Airlines announced increased fees for fliers, including doubling the charge for a second checked bag. The airline can also guarantee doubling the chance that they will lose the second bag.

• Ex-Sprint customers in California received a treat when a court ruled the wireless phone company was wrong to charge people early contract termination fees. The company now owes consumers about $73 million. Hopefully, the payments won’t be handled by Sprint’s inept customer service representatives.

• Comcast reported 2Q profits rose 8 percent. Guess Bob Garfield’s Comcast Must Die efforts weren’t so successful after all. Wonder if the veteran ad critic will be judging his own failed marketing endeavors.

• Dunkin’ Donuts will add healthier items to its menu. Look for broccoli-filled éclairs and deep-fried soy fritters soon.

• Comic legend Jerry Lewis was caught packing a firearm in his luggage at the Las Vegas airport. Did anyone else hear this news and think, “I thought Jerry Lewis was dead”?

• New York City high schools have officially sanctioned double-dutching as a sport. Count it as one more athletic event where Blacks will excel over all competitors.

5715: Flagging Sagging Profits.

A profits roller coaster in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Six Flags shares dropped 44 percent. One analyst wrote, “Park admissions are expected to suffer this summer because of the economic outlook and related deferred investment in new rides and facilities.” Maybe the Six Flags Asian guy will attend the next shareholders meeting and holler, “Profit: No Flags!”

• Delta and American Airlines parent AMR reported 2Q losses at over $1 billion. To turn things around, passengers will now be charged $1 billion for every extra carry-on bag.

• EBay’s 2Q profits rose 22 percent, sparked by strong growth from its e-commerce sites and PayPal service. Expect to start bidding on airline jets and Six Flags roller coasters soon.

5587: Travelers Alerts.

Driving and flying out of business with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Ford Motor Company told union officials that additional cuts are necessary in the months ahead. A Ford spokesperson told United Auto Workers union officials the downsizing would be required “so that we can make the vehicles in an efficient way that customers are buying.” Guess Ford’s tagline, “Drive One,” hasn’t translated to “Buy One.”

• Nearly 4,000 Delta Airlines employees accepted voluntary buyouts. Delta is ready when you are—to bail out of business.