It’s a Presidents’ Day MultiCultClassics Monologue…
• News reports show two more lawsuits have been filed against Mickey D’s for its french fries (see Essay 418). Parents in Florida sued because their 5-year-old child has an intolerance to gluten, which now appears to be present in the fries. A woman in Los Angeles is suing because she’s a vegan, and she was shocked to discover the fries contained dairy products. Sorry, but vegans who patronize Mickey D’s should be beaten with all-natural sticks.
• Mars, Inc., producer of Snickers, Milky Way and M&M’s, plans to launch a line of chocolate candy they claim has health benefits. CocoaVia products will contain flavanols, which news reports describe as “an antioxidant found in cocoa beans that is thought to have a blood-thinning effect similar to aspirin and may even lower blood pressure.” CocoaVia treats will also be vitamin-enriched and “injected with cholesterol-lowering plant sterols from soy.” Yeah, that sounds really healthy.
• A few months ago, Jesse Jackson showed support to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Now it looks like Chavez is emulating Jackson, at least in rhyme and rhetoric. The president freestyled folk song lyrics to warn U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice — “I sting those who rattle me, don’t mess with me Condoleezza.” Word.
• Speaking of freestyling fools, Britney Spears’ husband is prepping for the release of his hip-hop album. “Sure, there’ll be the initial shock and awe,” Kevin Federline proclaimed. “But they’ve already said so much shit about me, it can’t get worse.” Let’s wait for K-Fed’s album to debut before agreeing with that statement.
• Nielsen Media Research announced plans to begin recording the viewing habits of college students living away from home. Holy shit, it’s amazing to learn Nielsen has been ignoring the segment all these years. After all, MTV has been around since 1981. Guess Nielsen can add college students as another ill-served audience — along with Blacks, Hispanics and other groups the organization has failed to properly represent.
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