Essay 488

You’ve come a long way, baby, for a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• It’s great to be a woman in Jamaica, mon. The March 30 naming of Portia Simpson-Miller as the country’s first female prime minister signals new progress. Women currently comprise 50 percent of the workforce, and they’re making strides in upper management positions. 70 percent of the university students are female, with 80-90 percent numbers in law schools. “The Jamaican matriarch is the center of our society,” said a university official. “Women here have long been leaders in their homes, churches and communities — and now they are becoming the engineers, computer programmers, architects and, yes, prime ministers of our future. It is the natural next step.”

• It’s great to be a woman in Australia, mate. Women continue to shrink the pay gap down under by making 91 cents to a man’s dollar — far ahead of U.S. women at 79 cents. However, new labor laws about to go into effect may change things for the worse. “This whole historical system that’s been in place for over 100 years is about to be wiped out,’ said a union official. “Women are going to be the big losers because of where they are located in the economy. Low-paid people are simply going to fall behind.” Hey, sounds like they’re emulating the U.S. Everybody come back to Jamaica!

• The Ohio couple charged with housing 11 adopted kids in cages lost their custody battle. “They love their children. They want them back. They are truly devastated,” said the couple’s lawyer. In the meantime, they can probably convert the bedrooms into an animal shelter.

• Crest Pro Health mouthwash is in a legal battle with Listerine, charging Listerine lied to dentists about the effectiveness of its own mouthwash. Closing arguments will be made with minty fresh breath.

• Gatorade is in a legal battle with Powerade, charging Powerade is running false advertising that claims superiority over Gatorade. Closing arguments will be made after brutal, sweaty athletic competitions.

• Incarcerated rapper Jamaal “Shyne” Barrow must continue to stew over potential recording-contract deals because the judge has recused himself from the case. Apparently, the judge confessed a family member had dealings with one of Shyne’s lawyers. Then again, is it possible these days to find a legal expert who isn’t at least indirectly linked to criminal cases involving rappers?