10248: Mike Tyson, Lady Killer.

Why does this Black Energy Drink commercial position former wife-beater and rapist Mike Tyson as a lady’s man?

10246: Black Works Every Time.

Is this Black Energy Drink commercial trying to turn Mike Tyson into the Polish Billy Dee Williams?

8079: Tiger, Tyson And Assorted Knockouts.

Quick hits in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Devon James, a hooker who claimed having sex with Tiger Woods, produced a video where she has sex with a Tiger Woods look-alike. The body double says he didn’t realize James was going to release the tape with a Tiger Woods angle. “I had no idea she was going to set up a tape of Tiger Woods,” said the Tiger twin. “I wanted to make some money—not ruin someone’s life.” Oh, this video is hardly going to mess up Woods’ life at this point.

• A photographer is suing Mike Tyson for $25 million, claiming the fighter punched him with a closed fist, delivering a concussion and spinal injuries. Tyson should argue he was impersonated by a body double.

7241: Knockouts.

Scuffling through the news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Mike Tyson and a photographer were arrested after scuffling at Los Angeles International Airport. Has anyone ever thought about posting a camera crew at LAX and turning it into a celebrity reality TV series?

• AT&T is dialing up the pressure in its lawsuit against Verizon, demanding that the competitor pull commercials that denigrate AT&T’s network coverage. Verizon is standing firm behind its messages. Apparently, the iconic Verizon guy is not hearing AT&T’s calls.

• Lou Dobbs has resigned from CNN. Don’t look for him to resurface on Univision. Or Lopez Tonight.

5582: Closed Minds And Open Mouths.

TGIF with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A few closing remarks from the lawyers at the R. Kelly child pornography trial:

“This is a 13-year-old girl having sex with a superstar. I mean a superstar, who’s won Grammy awards. And she tells no one? … You couldn’t keep a 13-year-old girl’s mouth quiet about having Hannah Montana tickets,” argued defense attorney Sam Adam Jr.

“This is not a whodunit. It’s a ‘he did it,’” countered Assistant State’s Attorney Shauna Boliker.

“You are going to have to call [the alleged victim], 14 times, individually and collectively, a whore,” said Adam.

“You know what’s on that tape. You know it’s vile. You know it’s disgusting. And you know it’s Robert Kelly,” said Boliker.

People, place your bets.

• Mike Tyson allegedly contributed $50,000 toward a contract to murder members of a Brooklyn gang accused of killing the former heavyweight’s bodyguard and friend in June 2000. Must be part of Tyson’s “Take A Bite Out Of Crime” campaign.

• In the latest example of unprofessionalism from FOX News, an interview featuring Dunkin’ Donuts conspiracy theorist Michelle Malkin flashed a title referring to Michelle Obama as “Obama’s baby mama.” During the interview, Malkin claimed she saw no examples of gratuitous or cheap shots taken at Mrs. Obama by Republican or conservative critics. Sounds like another example of blind ignorance.

Essay 4733

Slow news day in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The New York Daily News reported Mike Tyson would wear a black-and-white striped jumpsuit and pink underwear for his day behind bars. Not sure if that constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

• Burger King plans to sell a $1 double cheeseburger in test markets. The fast feeder’s CMO told employees, “It is our belief that the dollar double cheeseburger is the most powerful weapon our competitor has to continue their growth and steal disproportionate share from the category.” Most powerful weapon? Wonder if they’ll declare a junk-food jihad next.

Essay 4729

Don’t wanna be like Mike in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Michael Vick surrendered to authorities, and he’ll stay in jail until his sentencing in three weeks. Vick’s dogfighting conviction could result in up to five years behind bars. Not sure how long that would be in dog years.

• Mike Tyson will spend a day in jail and serve three years of probation stemming from a DUI and drug possession. The former boxing champion has allegedly been seeking treatment for his addictions. Plus, two of his ex-wives wrote letters to the court in support of Tyson. Not convinced Tyson will receive Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie-Lindsay Lohan treatment.

Essay 4505

Former heavyweight and heavy-breather in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Former New York Knicks intern Kathleen Decker (pictured above) testified that she had sex with Stephon Marbury, but it was consensual. “I was in control,” said Decker. Plaintiff Anucha Brown Sanders, who is suing the team and Isiah Thomas for sexual harassment, sought to show Decker had been pressured to romp with the baller, but Decker’s testimony contradicted any such claims. It did, however, indicate that Thomas should have spent less time pursuing Brown Sanders and more time with the team interns.

• Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson pleaded guilty to drug possession and DUI charges from a traffic stop last year. Tyson faces up to four years in prison when he’s sentenced in November. Um, did anyone else think Tyson was already behind bars for some other offense?