14581: It’s March Madness When The Non-Saints Go Marching In.

An early April Fools’ Day gag: President Donald Trump and Jussie Smollett are declared not crooks in the same week. R. Kelly and Robert Kraft are jockeying for position, desperately competing to complete the trifecta.

6253: Political Scandals And Sandals.

Dropping the other shoe in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• It’s always easy to get cheap laughs from a President Bush antic, but how the hell did the Secret Service allow some dimwit to hurl two shoes at Dubya without taking the guy down hard—or even putting a bullet in his head? In Iraq, of all places! Should be interesting to see what Kenneth Cole does with this.

• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, facing heat over allegedly trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat for political favors and loot, has been meeting with top-flight lawyers. The defense attorneys include Edward Genson, who led R. Kelly’s team to victory. Sorry, it’s unlikely the Blagojevich recordings will beat the R. Kelly video.

5958: Dreadful News.

A stylish MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A Manhattan nonprofit organization is being sued by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for ordering Rastafarian workers to hide their dreadlocks under uniform caps. The EEOC says the workers are being discriminated against because of their religious beliefs. However, the nonprofit insists they tried to resolve the matter, even offering the workers larger hats. Looks like they’ll have to offer dreadfully larger sums of loot instead.

• A Florida judge dumped a law banning saggy pants after a kid was busted for violating the mandate. The kid’s lawyer persuaded the judge to nix the law by arguing, “Your honor, we now have the fashion police.” Guess hip hop enthusiasts now have the right to remain stylish.

• Home Depot hopes to stimulate sales by cutting prices on certain items up to 50 percent. The savings will be totally negated by the cost of gas for driving to Home Depot.

• R. Kelly insisted in an interview that he doesn’t chase after underage girls and declared, “I don’t like anyone illegal.” He then probably rushed to Home Depot to pick up new paneling for his hot tub room.

5586: Contemplating Innocence.

From The Chicago Sun-Times…

Lyrics, lawsuits are signs ‘not guilty’ isn’t ‘innocent’

JIM DeROGATIS, Pop Music Critic

As any criminal-defense attorney will attest, “not guilty” does not mean “innocent.”

During the six-year wait for R. Kelly to have his day in court, the multitalented singer, songwriter and producer -- the most important voice in R&B in his generation and one of the most successful artists Chicago has ever produced -- often sang of asking God to forgive him for unnamed sins.

“After all the wrong I’ve done, oh Lord/How did you manage to love me?/After I’ve been so bad, oh Lord/How did you manage to forgive me?” Kelly crooned on his 2004 album, “U Saved Me.” Meanwhile, on the companion disc “Happy People,” it was business as usual in the boudoir: “So welcome to the greatest show on earth/Welcome, girl, to my bedroom.”

An argument can be made that no artist in the history of popular music has so jarringly mixed the sacred and the profane or so thoroughly aired his sexual desires for the benefit of so large an audience. Kelly has sold more than 36 million albums under his own name, and many more again if we count his collaborations with artists such as Aaliyah, Michael Jackson and Celine Dion.

The 41-year-old artist proudly described himself as “the World’s Greatest,” a “Sexual Super Freak” and “the Pied Piper of R&B” -- perhaps oblivious to the fact that the Pied Piper of medieval legend led 130 boys and girls from a German village to their doom. Yet despite his acquittal Friday on 14 counts of making child pornography, it remains difficult to dismiss his lyrics and his boasting in the media as mere hyperbole.

The prosecution chose to pursue a very narrow case against the superstar, solely concentrating on a 26-minute, 39-second tape anonymously sent to the Chicago Sun-Times in February 2002. But as the paper first reported in December 2000, for more than a decade, public records and lawsuits allege that Kelly abused his staggering wealth and fame to pursue sexual relationships with underage girls, many of whom were left deeply wounded by those encounters.

The voices of those girls were never heard in Judge Vincent Gaughan’s courtroom. But they include:

• The late Aaliyah D. Haughton, Kelly’s celebrated 15-year-old protege, whom he illegally married in 1994 shortly after producing the debut album he titled “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number.” (The marriage was annulled, and Kelly paid Aaliyah a token sum in a settlement.)

• Tiffany Hawkins, who sued Kelly claiming that he began having sex with her when she was 15 after he picked her while visiting her choir class at his alma mater, Kenwood Academy. (Kelly settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum.)

• Tracy Sampson, a former intern at Epic Records who sued Kelly claiming that she lost her virginity to him at age 17. (Kelly settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum.)

• Patrice Jones, a Chicago woman who sued Kelly alleging that they began having sex after he met her at the Rock ‘n’ Roll McDonald’s following her high school’s senior prom. (Kelly settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum.)

• And Montina Woods, a legal-age dancer who sued Kelly claiming that he videotaped her without her knowledge while they were having sex. (Kelly settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum.)

Questions concerning the truth of these lawsuits and the videotape at the heart of his trial will forever linger over Kelly’s career, as will the statements of former associates -- including ex-manager Barry Hankerson, Aaliyah’s uncle, and Stephanie “Sparkle” Edwards, the aunt of the girl prosecutors said was on the videotape -- who claimed they repeatedly urged the star to “get help” for what they called his “compulsion” to pursue underage girls.

Music industry experts say Kelly’s CD sales and downloads are likely to benefit from the increased publicity surrounding his trial and acquittal, and he is set to release a new album in August. The artistry of his prolific output has never really been a question, and indeed, some of his most influential boosters contend that his legal troubles only enhanced his music.

“The sex scandal that threatened to derail his career in 2002 ended up doing the opposite: It made him more productive, more successful and, somehow -- maybe because more people began paying attention to his excellent music -- more respected than ever before,” critic Kelefa Sanneh wrote in the New York Times.

Yet while a jury of his peers has found Kelly not guilty on 14 counts of making child pornography, the artist has not had his final judgment day. As he sang on “Been Around the World,” a 2002 song released shortly after his indictment: “God gonna judge me/The same that he judge you.”

5584: R. Kelly Not Guilty.

From The Chicago Sun-Times…

R. Kelly not guilty on all counts

BY STEFANO ESPOSITO and KARA SPAK, Staff Reporters

Six years after being charged with making and starring in a child porn video, R&B superstar R. Kelly was found not guilty today by a Cook County jury.

Jurors deliberated for about three hours Thursday and part of today before reaching their verdict. The jury cleared him on all 14 counts filed against him.

As the first “not guilty” was read, Kelly dipped his head and kept it bowed during the entire reading of the 14-count verdict.

When the reading was completed, he took a baby blue handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed the tears streaming down his face. He then bear-hugged his defense attorneys.

Kelly, who did not testify during his trial, faced up to 15 years in an Illinois prison.

When word of the verdict spread through the courthouse at 26th and California, some Cook County deputies as well as lawyers walking through the building’s first floor hallways cheered.

Outside the courthouse, a huge roar came up from about 75 waiting Kelly supporters. “I love him!” one woman shouted as Kelly left the building moments after the verdict was read. “I love him! Get that on camera!”

Kelly did not comment to reporters but a Kelly spokesman said the singer wanted to thank his fans “who stuck by him and supported him with such love. And most of all, he wants to thank God for giving him the strength to get through this.”

“Robert said all along that he believes in our system and he believes in God,”' said the spokesman, Allan Mayer. “He did not expect it to take six and half years. This has been a terrible ordeal for him and his family. At this point all he wants to do is to move forward and put it behind him.”

The case centered on a 27-minute videotape anonymously sent to Chicago Sun-Times pop music critic Jim DeRogatis in 2002. Prosecutors said Kelly videotaped himself having sex with -- and urinating upon -- his underage goddaughter.

In closing arguments, the state said more than a dozen witnesses identified the alleged victim as being on the tape. Prosecutors also said there was no doubt that Kelly is the man on the tape and that the video was made in his Lake View basement some time between 1998 and 2000.

Defense attorneys keyed in on the fact that the victim, now an adult, has denied she’s the one on the tape. They noted that Kelly’s goddaughter is a “sweet, nice young lady,” and certainly wouldn’t have accepted cash for sex, as the girl in the tape is shown doing. In the weeks and months before the trial, legal experts around the globe said prosecutors would face an uphill battle convincing jurors of Kelly’s guilt without a victim willing to take the witness stand.

Kelly’s attorneys also told jurors that Kelly has a distinctive mole on his back that doesn’t appear on the videotape. Prosecutors brought in a video expert, who played the notorious sex video in slow motion, pointing out a dark spot clearly visible on the man’s back.

After the verdict, one of his attorneys, Sam Adam Jr., described his client as deeply religious.

“When they read the verdict you got to see the real Robert Kelly,” Adam Jr. said. “He sat there and he was crying. He was thanking God. He was saying ‘Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus’ after each count. He is not the man there doing those things to that woman.”

Asked who was on the tape if it wasn’t Kelly, Adam said: “If you find that out, let us know.”

Defense attorney Ed Genson praised the jurors as well as Judge Vincent Gaughan for their work during the trial -- and noted the length of the case.

“I’ve gone from middle aged to senior citizen,” Genson said.

Outside the courthouse, Chicago’s Leshi Agee, 25, shouted, “We love you!” to Kelly as the singer left in a black SUV.

“He looks so good,” said Agee. “Bye, baby.”

Agee, who came with her three children between the ages of 10 months and five years, said, “I knew he ain’t done it because he ain’t that type of person. They was hating on him. He proved everybody wrong.”

Fourteen-year-old Kewan Mackey said, “I knew he ain’t do it. I knew he was going to win. Money makes the world go around.”

Nicole Jones, 16, came down to the courthouse with 15-year-old sister Neshay Jones to support Kelly. They said they have avidly followed the case.

“I think this whole situation was about money,” Nicole said. “I think he’s innocent.”

5582: Closed Minds And Open Mouths.

TGIF with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• A few closing remarks from the lawyers at the R. Kelly child pornography trial:

“This is a 13-year-old girl having sex with a superstar. I mean a superstar, who’s won Grammy awards. And she tells no one? … You couldn’t keep a 13-year-old girl’s mouth quiet about having Hannah Montana tickets,” argued defense attorney Sam Adam Jr.

“This is not a whodunit. It’s a ‘he did it,’” countered Assistant State’s Attorney Shauna Boliker.

“You are going to have to call [the alleged victim], 14 times, individually and collectively, a whore,” said Adam.

“You know what’s on that tape. You know it’s vile. You know it’s disgusting. And you know it’s Robert Kelly,” said Boliker.

People, place your bets.

• Mike Tyson allegedly contributed $50,000 toward a contract to murder members of a Brooklyn gang accused of killing the former heavyweight’s bodyguard and friend in June 2000. Must be part of Tyson’s “Take A Bite Out Of Crime” campaign.

• In the latest example of unprofessionalism from FOX News, an interview featuring Dunkin’ Donuts conspiracy theorist Michelle Malkin flashed a title referring to Michelle Obama as “Obama’s baby mama.” During the interview, Malkin claimed she saw no examples of gratuitous or cheap shots taken at Mrs. Obama by Republican or conservative critics. Sounds like another example of blind ignorance.

5577: Killer Moves.

Keeping in step with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The husband of shock jock Wendy Williams is accused of plotting to murder rival Hot97 DJ Tarsha Jones. Williams’ husband was allegedly irked over on-air comments Jones made about his wife. Look for FOX to introduce a new TV series, When DJs Attack.

• R. Kelly is facing new legal problems. An ex-associate is suing the artist, claiming he influenced the singer’s success by inspiring him to embrace stepping. The ex-associate claimed that as Kelly was hit by criminal charges, he suggested the artist try step-based dance moves to woo a “more mature” audience. Based on Kelly legal dance moves, expect this new trial to happen sometime in the 22nd century.

• Anheuser-Busch received an unsolicited $46.3 billion takeover bid from InBev. That’s one serious bar tab.

5571: In Da House And Courthouse.

Hot news in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• 50 Cent can’t sell his fire-ravaged Long Island home until the lawsuit filed by his ex-girlfriend is resolved, thanks to a judge’s ruling. The judge also told Fiddy’s ex to cough up $4,500 in rent that is owed to the rapper. The ex-girlfriend is seeking half of the artist’s earnings, insisting she’s partly responsible for his success. She declared, “I helped build him.” Hope she knows how to build a new house.

• 50 Cent has been bonding with actor Val Kilmer during the production of their movie, Streets of Blood. Both men are fond of vintage cars, and Fiddy surprised Kilmer with the keys to a 1965 Chevy Impala worth $130,000. No word if it included a burned-out garage.

• Now R. Kelly’s lawyers are not merely arguing their client is not the person in the infamous videotape, but the infamous videotape is not the infamous videotape. They’ve apparently been working with a copy of the tape that prosecutors claimed to be a duplicate, but actually turned out to be a lower-quality reproduction. The recording artist’s lawyers used the inferior copy when questioning their video expert. The judge angrily snapped, “This is the rotten tomato in the barrel.” R. Kelly denies being in the original tape, the duplicate tape or in a barrel of tomatoes.

5566: Trial And Error.

Passing judgment in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The defense rested in the R. Kelly child pornography trial, opting not to call the recording artist or the alleged female victim to the stand. The lawyers will probably also argue that it’s not really R. Kelly in the courtroom.

• A group of Native Americans is seeking $58 billion from the United States, insisting they were swindled in oil, gas, timber and other royalties handled by the Interior Department since 1887. The trial to determine the amount owed opened yesterday. “There is no legal or factual basis to pay the plaintiffs billions of dollars or even close to a billion dollars,” said a lawyer representing the government. He stated the total would be “in the millions not the billions.” Which means the government will wind up paying thousands.

5556: Fakers And Fighters.

Seeking the truth in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Baltimore police were on the lookout for two crooks that may be Comcast workers. The duo wore official uniforms and drove a Comcast van when breaking into someone’s home, handcuffing the victim and shooting him in the stomach. Cops aren’t yet sure if the uniforms and vehicle indicate the men were real cable company representatives. Bob Garfield might insist it all seems pretty typical for Comcast employees.

• A private investigator hired by R. Kelly in 2002 testified that the woman claiming she engaged in threesomes with the recording artist originally sought $300,000 in hush money. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer would probably think $300,000 for threesomes is a pretty good deal.

• Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee are warring over film critiques. Lee started the fight during last month’s Cannes Film Festival when he questioned the lack of Black actors in Eastwood’s two war movies, “Flags of Our Fathers” and “Letters From Iwo Jima.” Lee said, “He did two films about Iwo Jima back to back and there was not one Black soldier in both of those films. Many veterans, African-Americans, who survived that war are upset at Clint Eastwood. In his vision of Iwo Jima, Negro soldiers did not exist. Simple as that. I have a different version.” Eastwood fired back, “The story is ‘Flags of Our Fathers,’ the famous flag-raising picture, and they didn’t do that. If I go ahead and put an African-American actor in there, people’d go: ‘This guy’s lost his mind.’ I mean, it’s not accurate.” Referring to Lee, Eastwood added: “A guy like him should shut his face.” Lee responded by saying, “First of all, the man is not my father and we’re not on a plantation either. He’s a great director. He makes his films, I make my films. The thing about it though, I didn’t personally attack him. And a comment like ‘a guy like that should shut his face’—come on Clint, come on. He sounds like an angry old man right there. … If he wishes, I could assemble African-American men who fought at Iwo Jima and I’d like him to tell these guys that what they did was insignificant and they did not exist. I’m not making this up. I know history. I’m a student of history. And I know the history of Hollywood and its omission of the one million African-American men and women who contributed to World War II.” Sounds like the start of World War III.

5543: Talking And Testifying.

Not-so-surprising announcements in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Lisa Van Allen (depicted above) testified at the R. Kelly child pornography trial on Monday, delivering the anticipated juicy details. Van Allen said she participated in threesomes with Kelly and the alleged victim; plus, she had sex with the star in a trailer, sauna room and indoor basketball court. The defense lawyers will probably argue she had intercourse with someone who looked like R. Kelly.

• Sharper Image is closing all its retail outlets, and will focus on wholesale, catalog and online sales. People always played with the gadgets and slumped into the massaging recliner, but did consumers ever really buy anything at Sharper Image stores?

• The International Air Transport Association declared on Monday it expects a $2.3 billion loss for 2008. The organization had predicted a $4.5 billion profit in March. Airline employees can expect to pack their bags—and probably get charged $15 in the process.

• The new Mike Myers’ movie, “The Love Guru,” is already drawing protests from Hindus who believe the film will be offensive. However, New Age guru Deepak Chopra is trying to stifle the initial criticism. “The premature outcry against the movie is itself religious propaganda,” wrote Chopra, citing protesters based their opinions on the film’s trailer. “As viewers will find out when the movie is released this summer, no one is more thoroughly skewered in it than I am—you could even say that I am made to seem preposterous.” Which means Chopra probably collected a preposterous amount of loot for appearing in the flick.

5526: Time To Backtrack.

Marking time in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• There’s a mole in the R. Kelly child pornography trial. Actually, it’s a mole on the back of the recording artist. The defense had argued the man in the infamous video is not Kelly, because he doesn’t have a mole on his back, while the artist does. But yesterday, an expert pointed out a dark spot on the video man’s back that corresponds to Kelly’s mole. The expert also insisted the video could not have been digitally altered, as it would have taken a professional 44 years to manipulate each frame. Then again, it took about that much time to get the case to trial…

• Sharon Stone issued an apology for her remarks about China. The apology was actually presented through Christian Dior, which dropped its Chinese advertisements starring Stone. The apology read, “Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people. I am willing to take part in the relief work of China’s earthquake, and wholly devote myself to helping affected Chinese people.” Hmmm. A stupid comment leads to having your ads pulled, prompting an apology and offer to help victims. Is that karma?

5523: Stone And Assorted Rockheads.

Causing tremors in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Actress Sharon Stone is catching heat for a remark she made last week. “I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” said the actress. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that bad things happen to you?” The head of China’s biggest movie theatre chain vowed to ban Stone’s films. Not that anyone was planning to see the washed-up actress’ work anyway.

• Senator Larry Craig is reportedly writing a book about his infamous arrest in an airport toilet stall. Sounds like bathroom reading for sure.

• The R. Kelly child pornography trial was delayed again, just as a woman was set to testify she engaged in a threesome with Kelly and the alleged female victim in the infamous video. A new witness was introduced by the defense, and the guy claims to have information that disputes the contentions of the threesome witness. By the time this is all over, Kelly’s potential involvement with the under-aged female will probably seem tame.

• Naomi Campbell was hit with six charges stemming from her April 3 battle with security at London’s Heathrow Airport. The charges cover assaulting a constable, using threatening, abusive words or behavior to the cabin crew and disorderly conduct. At this point, those statements are part of Campbell’s résumé.

5519: The Tipping (Scales) Point.

Childish remarks in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Figures show child obesity is “leveling off” in the U.S. Which probably only means that kids could not possibly get any fatter than they are right now.

• Kool-Aid is hyping its lower-sugar versions. A company executive declared, “We’re firmly committed to providing moms and kids with products that combine better-for-you beverage options to help support a healthier lifestyle.” The better-for-you beverage option would simply involve drinking water straight.

• Six Flags is cutting back admission prices to lure people during the summer months. Some parks are dropping the entrance fees by up to $10. However, a pitcher of Kool-Aid and slice of pizza from the dining area will still set you back about $85.

• At the R. Kelly child pornography trial, another person—a former personal assistant to Kelly—identified the participants in the infamous video as being the recording artist and alleged female victim. Remember, Kelly’s defense is the video figures are somebody else. You’d think the real couple would have surfaced by now. Maybe they’re hanging with Nicole Brown Simpson’s real killers.

5509: Begging Your Pardon.

Passing judgments in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• New York Governor David Paterson granted a full and unconditional pardon to Slick Rick. The rap icon had been facing the threat of deportation. “[Slick Rick] has fully served the sentence imposed upon him for his convictions, had an exemplary disciplinary record while in prison and on parole, and has been living without incident in the community for more than 10 years,” said Paterson. “I urge federal immigration officials to once again grant Mr. Walters relief from deportation, so that he is not separated from his many family members who are United States citizens, including his two teenage children.” No word if Paterson will also pardon Slick Eliot Spitzer.

• Lawyers for R. Kelly are allegedly seeking to have witnesses charged with crimes. The details are fuzzy, but speculations include wanting to charge anyone who possessed a copy of the infamous tape with child pornography—which would include a Chicago Sun-Times reporter who received a copy anonymously in 2002 and turned it over to police. The defense will also probably ask New York Governor David Paterson for a full and unconditional pardon.

5502: Cutting Mullets And More.

Making cuts in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Four people testified in the R. Kelly trial, identifying the female in the infamous tape. “I know her like the back of my hand,” said one witness. “We got our hair cut the same way together. It’s a mullet. Short at the top, long at the back.” If the mullet fits, you mustn’t acquit.

• American Airlines announced plans to cut domestic flights and workers. Plus, the airline will charge passengers $15 for the first checked bag. Earlier this month, American said it would also bill $25 for the second checked bag. No word how much they’ll charge for losing both bags.

5494: The Camera Never Lies. The Subject Matter, Well…

Lights, camera, action and a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• At last, the R. Kelly child-pornography trial began with opening statements today. The key players are depicted above: Prosecuter Shauna Boliker (left); R. Kelly (center); Defense Attorney Sam Adam Jr. (right). The defense’s contention is that the man in the infamous tape is not Kelly. Plus, the female in the tape is not the alleged victim. “Robert Kelly is not on that tape,” said Adam in court. “I stand before you on May 20, 2008, to tell you [the alleged victim] is not on that tape.” Or maybe it took so long to get to trial that the players completely forgot being a part of it all.

• An actress who appeared in a jewelry commercial where she writhed and moaned in a bed is suing the producers. She claims she was told the ad would be humorous, and she was shocked to discover it became a racy message. So far, a judge has allowed the $5 million lawsuit to move forward. R. Kelly insists he was nowhere near the filming of this one.

5480: No Noose Is Good Noose.

Hanging out with a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• New York has officially outlawed displaying nooses as threats, as Governor David Paterson signed a new law on Thursday. “It is sad that in these modern times there remains a need to address the problem of individuals who use nooses as a means of threat and intimidation,” stated Paterson. “But it is a reality, and if we ignore it we would be derelict in our duty.” Start spreading the noose.

• JC Penney saw its 1Q profits drop 50 percent. “It is obviously a very difficult time for all U.S. consumers,” said the retailer’s chairman and chief executive. “They’re facing uncertainty in their financial well-being.” Plus, they think JC Penney sucks.

• The jury is complete for the R. Kelly child-pornography trial, with the final group comprised of 8 men and 4 women—of which 8 are White and 4 are Black. Kelly’s lawyers argued about the numbers, charging the prosecutors with deliberately removing Black jurors. The prosecutors shot back that Kelly’s lawyers had nixed potential White jurors. Latinos, Asian Americans and Native Americans will probably hold a protest soon.

5477: All The News That’s Shit To Print.

Not sure why The Chicago Sun-Times thought this story was worth publishing. Then again, not sure why we’re posting it too…

Potential juror: R. Kelly’s ‘not very smart’

BY ERIC HERMAN AND KIM JANSSEN, Staff Reporters

No jurors were added Wednesday to the panel that will weigh the R. Kelly child pornography case, though two white men appear likely to be picked.

Prosecutors said they would accept them, but it was unclear how the defense voted.

One of the likely jurors recently graduated from the University of Kansas. The other likely juror, who has a goatee and appeared to be in his 30s, said he knew little about Kelly and had no opinion of the justice system.

Kelly heard some tough words from potential jurors. A white woman, asked if she had formed an opinion of Kelly, wrote on her questionnaire, “Yes, he’s not very smart.”

Kelly looked up, a hurt expression on his face. Most of the time, Kelly has appeared not to be paying attention. The R&B superstar has appeared to be writing on yellow Post-it notes, then sticking the notes into his pockets.

5470: Keystone Cops.

The honeymoon’s over in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Remy Ma was forced to postpone her wedding at Riker’s Island when her groom-to-be Papoose was caught trying to smuggle in a handcuff key. He was asked to leave, and can’t return for at least six months. Unless, of course, he acts like a typical rapper and commits a crime.

• The first three jurors were chosen for R. Kelly’s child pornography trial. Somebody better frisk these folks for handcuff keys.