6290: Wrong Planet, Wrong Answer.

Hairy situations in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich continues to insist he’s innocent, disputing the charges that he sought to exchange Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat for money and political favors. Blagojevich argued he was hired to fight for Illinois citizens, and that’s what he’ll continue to do. “If somehow that’s impeachable,” said Blagojevich, “then I’m on the wrong planet and I’m living in the wrong place.” Um, that hairdo is pretty alien.

• History fanatics are protesting Walmart for planning to build a new store near the Wilderness Battlefield in Virginia, where an historic Civil War skirmish took place. “The Wilderness is an indelible part of our history, its very ground hallowed by the American blood spilled there, and it cannot be moved,” read a protest letter. “Surely Walmart can identify a site that would meet its needs without changing the very character of the battlefield.” But once the Civil War buffs realize Walmart sells firearms at everyday low prices, they’ll probably change their minds.

• The Washington Post reported the U.S. has wooed warlords in Afghanistan with goods and services including Viagra. “You’re trying to bridge a gap between people living in the 18th Century and people coming in from the 21st Century,” said a CIA veteran. “So you look for those common things in the form of material aid that motivate people everywhere.” Can hardly wait to see the Viva Viagra! commercial inspired by this scenario.

• BET and TV One plan to offer extensive coverage of the presidential inauguration, with TV One slated to follow the action for 21 hours straight. Then both networks will immediately return to airing nonstop reruns of Girlfriends and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.