16760: Coors Light On DEI Dedication.

 

Advertising Age reported Molson Coors is canning some of its DEIBA+ heat shields, becoming drinking buddies with other brands abandoning performative propaganda.

 

So, a brand that benefited from Bud Light’s backfired attempt to be more inclusive—picking up lots of beer business via the Dylan Mulvaney backlash—is moving to be more exclusive.

 

For advocates of true diversity, the brewer’s decision presents a lose-lose scenario.

 

Molson Coors joins Ford, Lowe’s and others in diversity retreat

 

The brewer announced it would no longer engage with the Human Rights Campaign’s corporate rankings

 

Molson Coors Beverage Co. is cutting back some of its corporate diversity efforts, joining a corporate retreat hastened by an anti-DEI social media campaign.

 

Molson Coors sent a memo to employees Tuesday saying it will stop linking executive compensation to employee representation, scrap supplier diversity goals, and no longer engage with the Human Rights Campaign’s corporate rankings. A spokesman for the firm shared the memo with Bloomberg News.

 

Conservative activist Robby Starbuck had posted a copy of the memo earlier Tuesday on his X social media account and said that he had been preparing to begin an attack on the brewer for its diversity, equity and inclusion efforts.

 

The maker of Coors is joining half a dozen companies including Ford Motor Co., Lowe’s Cos., and Harley-Davidson Inc. in pulling back from DEI policies.

 

The Molson Coors spokesman had no additional comment beyond providing the memo.

 

This isn’t the first time that social media-driven backlash has affected the beer market. Anheuser-Busch InBev NV and its Bud Light brand were punished for a promotion featuring a transgender influencer last year, boosting sales for rival Molson Coors’ light beer.

 

Starbuck, a music-video producer turned influencer, has claimed credit for changes to DEI programs at a string of U.S. companies in recent months. While other conservative activists like Edward Blum and Stephen Miller, the former senior adviser for President Donald Trump, have filed lawsuits and regulatory complaints against businesses for their DEI initiatives, Starbuck has relied on social media platform X to generate popular outrage.

 

U.S. companies have been scaling back DEI programs that some conservatives say discriminate against white men. The backlash follows a wave of pro-DEI policies being introduced across U.S. businesses in response to employee and customer anger over the 2020 murder of George Floyd by a white policeman.

 

Conservative activists are telling companies to drop activism and focus on making products. DEI supporters warn that employees may be harmed by the pullback.

 

Tractor Supply Co., Deere & Co. and Harley-Davidson revised their DEI initiatives after Starbuck posted a stream of attacks on X complaining about what he said were “woke” policies out of step with the companies’ customers. Starbuck took credit for DEI changes at home improvement retailer Lowe’s, while Jack Daniel’s whiskey maker Brown-Forman Corp. also told staff last month it was ending DEI programs.

 

—Bloomberg News

 

16340: Welcome To Mulvaney, Er, Miller Time.

Advertising Age reported Molson Coors is increasing its marketing spend by $100 million for brands like Coors Light and Miller Lite, capitalizing on recent gains made against Bud Light. Gee, somebody at Molson Coors should send a thank-you gift to Dylan Mulvaney. Then again, maybe not.

15446: Trouble Brewing With Coors And Cars…?

 

Coors is giving away a sports car and free beer for a year. Hey, let’s see how the promotion impacts Colorado DUI figures. And who had the brilliant idea to depict the car in the middle of the road, crossing the median line?

11259: Omnicom Screws BBDO In Canada.

Advertising Age reported BBDO in Canada experienced collateral damage as a result of Energy BBDO in Chicago recently “winning” the Bud Light account. The Canadian office wound up losing the Coors Light account. It’s a safe bet the Chicagoans’ response was a sheepish shrug. Whoops. Guess Corporate Cultural Collusion can have its drawbacks. But don’t worry, Canadian partners. Omnicom will likely give you the Propel Zero business as compensation.

Molson Coors Yanks Coors Light from BBDO in Canada

Marketer Will Reassign Brand As Result of Bud Light Conflict

By E.J. Schultz

BBDO’s Bud Light win in the U.S. has cost the agency the Coors Light account in Canada.

The cross-border conflict was apparent as soon as the agency picked up Bud Light in the states last month. Molson Coors, which markets Coors Light in Canada, began considering its options almost immediately and has decided to move the brand to another agency soon.

“Molson Coors Canada will announce the re-assignment of the brands currently managed by BBDO Canada within the coming weeks,” Peter Nowlan, chief commercial officer for Molson Coors Canada, said in a statement to Ad Age. The marketer will “not be conducting an open RFP process,” he added, but “is in discussions with a very short list of whom we believe to be the best agencies in Canada.”

BBDO declined to comment.

Molson Coors competes with Bud Light-owner Anheuser-Busch InBev across the globe, including in the U.S. where Molson Coors jointly owns MillerCoors. BBDO’s Toronto office picked up the Coors Light account in March without a review when Molson Coors severed ties with DraftFCB, Canada. BBDO also had been working on other brands that Molson Coors markets in Canada, including Keystone, Heineken, Strongbow and Miller Chill.

Bud Light, the top-selling beer brand in the U.S., was a major win for BBDO, which is handling the business from its Chicago office, known as Energy BBDO. (Bud Light in Canada is handled by Anomaly.) But the Coors Light business in Canada is also significant. The brand is the second-best selling beer in Canada at 11.75% share by volume, trailing Budweiser’s 13.2%, according to Euromonitor International. Molson Coors says that Coors Light is the No. 1 Canadian beer, according to its internal sales figures.

In the U.S., Coors Light is the second-largest beer brand with 8.7% market share behind Bud Light’s 18.6%, according to Beer Marketer’s Insights. Advertising for Coors Light in the states is handled by WPP’s Cavalry of Chicago, which won the account last year when MillerCoors ended its relationship with DraftFCB, Chicago.

Molson Coors’s roster of Canadian agencies includes Rethink, which handles the Molson Canadian brand. The brand had been at Crispin Porter & Bogusky Canada, but the agency lost the account in 2011 after it was learned CP&B in the U.S. was pitching A-B InBev business, Canadian trade pub Marketing reported at the time.

“Our partners cannot have other North American alcohol brands or business on their rosters (beer, wine, spirits or other),” a Molson spokesman told Marketing at the time.

With Bud Light in hand, BBDO also faces potential conflict issues with Diageo-owned Guinness and Red Stripe beer brands, which the agency runs from New York. But so far the agency appears to have hung onto those accounts, although Diageo and BBDO have not commented on the situation. Paul Chibe, Anheuser-Busch InBev’s VP of U.S. marketing said in a recent interview that he would not have an issue with BBDO keeping Guinness, noting that “Guinness in the U.S. is pretty small and it’s run out of New York.”

11168: No Quiero Coors.

From The New York Times…

Seen as Offensive, Beer Can Has a Shortened Shelf Life

By Winnie Hu

The special cans of Coors Light beer started popping up in New York City in recent weeks ahead of the coming parade. The vitriol followed soon after with elected officials and others saying that the cans were tasteless and sent the wrong message.

So now the commemorative cans are no longer being produced for the 2013 Puerto Rican Day Parade.

The cans were imprinted with a circular logo that depicted the Puerto Rican flag as an apple along with the words: “National Puerto Rican Day Parade, Inc.” It was produced by MillerCoors — based on a modified version of the parade’s official logo — and was reviewed and approved by the parade’s organizers.

“The flag is a symbol of a nation, of a culture, and slapping it on a can of beer is disrespectful and trivializes a community and its contributions,” said City Councilwoman Melissa Mark-Viverito, who was born and raised in Puerto Rico. She added that the beer can was particularly inappropriate this year because the parade’s official theme was “Salud: Celebrate Your Health.”

MillerCoors, which brews Coors Light, issued an apology over the can hours before a protest outside a beer distribution center in the Bronx that was organized by Boricuas for a Positive Image, a group of Puerto Rican activists. The annual parade down Fifth Avenue, scheduled this year for June 9, is one of the nation’s largest parades and attracts more than 80,000 marchers and two million spectators, according to the parade’s organizer, the National Puerto Rican Day Parade. (This year’s grand marshal is Chita Rivera.)

“We apologize if the graphics on our promotional packaging inadvertently offended you or any other members of the Puerto Rican community,” Nehl Horton, a spokesman for MillerCoors, wrote in a letter to the Boricuas group.

Mr. Horton said that MillerCoors was no longer producing the packaging and would stop distributing it by Friday morning. He said that the company had “a strong history of supporting the U.S. Latino community” and that its intent in sponsoring the parade was “to highlight the cultural strength and vibrancy of the Puerto Rican community and to provide scholarship funds to deserving individuals who are seeking to improve their lives through higher education.”

The company declined to say how many cans had been sold or how much had been spent to produce them.

It was the second time that MillerCoors, which has been a sponsor of the parade for seven years, has faced criticism in the partnership. In 2011, the company canceled an advertisement displaying three beer bottles and the word “emboricuate,” which would translate as “make yourself Puerto Rican,” after people complained that it could also be interpreted as a play on the Spanish word “emborrachate” (get drunk).

Madelyn Lugo, chairwoman of the National Puerto Rican Day Parade, said through a spokesman that the board had worked with the company to try to avoid potentially offensive promotional elements, and apologized for any misunderstandings caused by the final product.

Ms. Lugo added that the organization was taking steps to develop new guidelines for using and displaying the parade’s logo by third parties.

Ramon Jimenez, a lawyer for the Boricuas group, said that it was still considering whether to accept MillerCoors’s apology, and that the issue pointed to a larger problem with the parade’s organizer. His group has called for a change in leadership, and for more accountability in the marketing of the parade.

“They’ve commercialized the parade to the point where big floats for Budweiser and Coors dominate the parade while the cultural exhibitions and the various towns that march are minor players,” Mr. Jimenez said. “They’re overshadowed by the commercial interests.”

10182: Calling The Cavalry For Coors.

Advertising Age reported the new WPP agency coalition created to handle Coors will be led by Marty Stock—former Executive VP-Director of Account Management at Draftfcb, the shop that lost the account. Talk about capitalizing on one’s drinking buddies—and riding the Silver Bullet across town. Will Draftfcb file another poaching lawsuit? More importantly, does anyone really care? The new agency coalition is named Cavalry. Not sure if the staffers will be mounted on horseback, but it’s a safe bet there will be a never-ending supply of horseshit.

Coors Calls in Cavalry With New WPP Agency

Former DraftFCB Exec Marty Stock Tapped as CEO of Chicago Shop

By Maureen Morrison, E.J. Schultz

A little more than a month after MillerCoors moved its entire account out of DraftFCB, the WPP agency formed to house the Coors side of the business has opened up shop in Chicago and will be led by beer-marketing veteran Marty Stock.

Mr. Stock, who has been DraftFCB’s exec VP-director of account management on the MillerCoors business, is now CEO of the new WPP entity dubbed Cavalry, which will handle creative and digital for Coors Light, Coors Banquet and any other new products. Mr. Stock is a career-long beer account exec, having worked on the business for 23 years at DraftFCB and predecessor agency Foote, Cone & Belding. Prior to his career at FCB, he worked at D’Arcy on Anheuser-Busch, and Y&R.

Cavalry will call in talent from WPP agencies Y&R, JWT, digital agency VML, branding firm Landor, as well as others, and will start with about 40 full-time employees, some of which will be new hires and some from within the WPP system. Cavalry will be the first to work on digital and creative together for Coors, with digital talent being drawn from VML. (Previously, digital had been handled by Razorfish and creative by DraftFCB.) Cavalry has not yet announced a creative executive.

“We see in Marty somebody who knows the beer business cold … and has a strong relationship with the client, but we also saw something about his ability to be a leader,” said Global Business Development Director George Rogers at WPP, who masterminded the new agency. “What we wanted to do was put him in a situation where he can take what he’s learned and what he’s all about and build a great agency.”

Of Mr. Stock’s departure, DraftFCB said in a statement: “Our MillerCoors team collectively helped Coors Light topple Budweiser as the No. 2 beer in the U.S. and we appreciate Marty’s role in leading and developing those people, many of whom have been reassigned to other accounts at Draftfcb. We wish Marty continued success.”

Mr. Rogers said the new agency is essentially an extension of WPP’s other client-specific agencies, such as Team Mazda and Team Detroit, the Ford agency that was on Ad Age’s Agency A-List in 2010. But for all WPP’s success with its Ford agencies, it also had one shop, Enfatico, formed for Dell that did not fare very well. Mr. Rogers said that Cavalry’s model is very different from ill-fated Enfatico’s for a number of reasons, including the fact that Enfatico was formed and quickly racked up 1,000 employees.

Cavalry is not expected to significantly alter the creative positioning of Coors Light. The brand, which passed Budweiser last year as the nation’s second-largest beer, has long used cold-refreshment messaging and imagery. The agency change was not a “referendum on the positioning of the brands,” Mr. Rogers said.

Rather, MillerCoors seemed to be seeking stability and a deeper bench of creative talent, while looking to more seamlessly integrate digital and traditional creative. Questions have arisen over the last couple years about DraftFCB’s creative chops after it gradually lost much of the U.S. Kraft business and SC Johnson, both longtime above-the-line FCB accounts.

“We are very excited to begin working with Cavalry,” said MillerCoors Chief Marketing Officer Andy England in a statement to Ad Age. “We were looking to solve for two things: one was an above-the-line and digital integrated solution for the Coors family of brands, and the second was access to a very deep creative bench. We believe WPP via Cavalry addresses both of these critical pieces on our business. We are delighted that WPP has chosen to hire Marty Stock as the leader of Cavalry. His knowledge of beer advertising and deep understanding of the Coors family of brands is unparalleled.”

The integration comes as the brewer, like other beer marketers, is putting a new emphasis on digital. “Thinking that everything comes out of TV is the wrong way but it’s a rut that we were falling into,” Mr. Stock said. Speaking about the new model, Jon Cook, CEO and president of digital agency VML, said: “When you know from the very beginning that your role is central … that’s a big factor.”

Beer has historically lagged other categories in digital marketing partly because of concerns over age verification. But brewers are finding ways around those concerns, such as a new age-checking tool on Twitter that spurred MillerCoors to launch a new handle for Coors Light.

New products, which Cavalry will work on, are an emerging priority at MillerCoors as it seeks to win over fickle millennial consumers. “There’s a willingness to try new things that’s probably greater than anything we’ve seen in the past,” Mr. Stock said. The brewer is testing several new offerings this summer, for instance, including Coco Breve, a coconut water-infused clear malt beverage.

9783: InBev Not Indian-Friendly…?

Reuters reported on a $500 million lawsuit filed by Native Americans against beer manufacturers including Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide Inc, SAB Miller, Molson Coors Brewing Company and Pabst Brewing Company. An indirect link to the Budweiser ad posted earlier?

Indian tribe files $500 million suit against big brewers

By James B. Kelleher

(Reuters) - A Native American Indian tribe sued leading beer makers seeking $500 million in damages and accusing them of knowingly contributing to “crippling” alcoholism rates on one of the nation’s largest reservations in South Dakota.

The suit, filed by the Oglala Sioux tribe, alleges the brewers are “engaged in a common enterprise focused on assisting and participating in the illegal importation of alcohol” onto the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, where the sale, possession and consumption of alcohol is illegal.

The brewers sued include Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide Inc, SAB Miller, Molson Coors Brewing Company and Pabst Brewing Company, as well as four retailers in Whiteclay, Neb., and the distributors who sell to them.

The lawsuit, filed on Thursday in federal court in Lincoln, Neb., claims the defendants have knowingly turned Whiteclay, a small town Nebraska side of the border with South Dakota, into a major source of alcohol smuggling to the reservation. Whiteclay sells volumes of beer “far in excess of an amount that could be sold in compliance with the laws of the state of Nebraska.”

The lawsuit says Whiteclay has a population of fewer than 12 people and “no publicly accessible place to lawfully consume alcohol.” Yet each day, the four retailers in town sell more than 13,000 cans of beer.

Much of that beer ends up on the reservation, according to the lawsuit, where it has “devastating effects” on the tribe.

The suit says alcoholism is a scourge on Pine Ridge, a 2 million-acre reservation in southwestern South Dakota that is home to an estimated 40,000 people, most of them enrolled members of the Oglala Sioux tribe.

Eighty-five percent of the tribe’s members are “affected by alcoholism,” according to the suit, and one in four children born on Pine Ridge is diagnosed with either fetal alcohol syndrome or fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

The tribe is seeking $500 million in compensation to pay for “all damages it has suffered in the past and in reasonably likely to suffer in the future” as a result of the alcohol sales in Whiteclay.

SAB Miller declined to comment on the lawsuit. Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide Inc and Molson Coors Brewing Company did not immediately respond to request for comment.

The Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is one of the poorest spots in the country, according to the U.S. Census. More than 50 percent of its residents live below the poverty line, compared with 15.1 percent nationally. Shannon County, which lies entirely within the reservation, is the third poorest county in the country, the Census says.

The unemployment rate consistently tops 80 percent, according to most estimates. Violent crime and other social ills, including a high suicide rate, are all major problems on the reservation, according to the National Institute of Justice, the research arm of the U.S. Department of Justice.

A 2011 Centers for Disease Control report on the health of racial groups said that Native Americans report more binge drinking episodes per month and higher alcohol consumption per episode than other races.

A number of theories have been suggested to explain why binge drinking—defined as five drinks in a sitting for men and four for women—is such a problem among Native Americans, according to a National Institutes of Health survey of literature.

Among those are high unemployment and poverty rates on reservations, NIH said. Of the five counties in the United States with poverty rates greater than 39 percent, four are located within American Indian reservations, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

One other theory is that American Indian traditional culture may help explain the attraction of drinking. American Indians may “drink rapidly to induce an altered state of consciousness, a practice congruent with some Native American practices,” the NIH survey said.

(Reporting by James B. Kelleher; Editing by Daniel Trotta and Greg McCune)

9062: Coors Light Chica Grabs Your Sack.

Coors Light speaks to Latinos pretty much the way it speaks to all other demographics—via gratuitous shots of chicks in bikinis peppered with sophomoric sexual innuendos. This Sexy Chica commercial depicts a hottie dealing with a large sack. Of ice. She even breaks out of her Spanish dialogue to deliver lines like, “So don’t be afraid to bang it around”—presumably for crossover appeal. And there’s an interactive component that leads to more of the same. Since being uploaded about a month ago, the spot has only generated under 3,500 views. Critique: Chica está mucho skinny. The sack dance would have generated greater jiggling with a Sofia Vergara or Salma Hayek lookalike. Hey, if Old Navy can feature a Kim Kardashian wannabe, why not?

8849: Lights Out For Coors Light Campaign.

Laura Martinez examined the Coors Light campaign that managed to offend Puerto Ricans in New York. The brewer wound up pulling the work after the complaints grew louder. Can’t help but wonder if the campaign came from Coors Light AOR Draftfcb—the home of
cross-cultural marketing enthusiasts. Additionally, the Chief Diversity Officer of parent company IPG once remarked, “Homogeneous creative teams limit the number of idea combinations. … They can also come up with some embarrassing creative.” Did Draftfcb provide more evidence to prove the statement’s validity?

8772: Coors Light Tastes Like Old Spice.

The World’s Most Refreshing Beer presents the least refreshing advertising. In fact, this commercial is a blatant rip-off of the Old Spice campaign. Draftfcb Chairman Howard Draft claimed only 20 percent of his agency’s work could be considered great. This Coors Light shit is clearly in the 80 percent.

7983: Beer Advertisers Slurring In Spanish.

From The New York Post…

It’s Spanglish lite

By Ana Maria Ariza Buitrago

Beer companies must think Spanish-speaking people are already drunk when they are watching their advertisements.

That has to be why they’ve decided to mangle this beautiful Romance language and talk down to the 58 million Hispanics who might want a brew or two.

It’s worse than the mauling they give English—“drinkability,” after all, isn’t a word, although Budweiser has made it the slogan of an entire advertising campaign.

Spanish-speaking beer drinkers aren’t so flexible, and few seem to find humor in indecipherable word play and just plain bad translations.

In Spanish, Budweiser’s catchphrase is “tomabilidad”—which is a neologism like “drinkability” but doesn’t make as much sense.

Corona, which is headquartered in Mexico—where Spanish is obviously the primary language—tells beer drinkers to “Más una fría que beer.” Maybe they’re trying to say it’s “the coldest beer,” but the translation is closer to “More one cold what beer.”

Talking to a group of Spanish speakers, including Prof. Gerardo Piña-Rosales, president of the American Association of the Spanish Language, found that no one really understood what it meant.

Nor did anyone understand Coors Light’s phrase “Emborícuate.”

As best anyone can tell, the company and its ad agency tried to merge the words drunk in Spanish—borracho—and Borícua, which is a way people from Puerto Rico are described.

Why those two words were joined is anyone’s guess. Coors Light and the other beer companies didn’t return phone calls.

Michenelle Groller who is a Spanish teacher in Brooklyn said, “these ads are not only misleading, but mostly offensive.”

“These advertisements are approved or looked upon as OK because they are written in a different language. If they were written in English they would have never made it past the planning stages,” she added.

Piña-Rosales says that instead of picking qualified translators, companies seem to randomly select less-capable individuals who can’t get the job done. “The beer advertisement is just one of the multiple examples I see daily.”

There are plenty of instances in the past of American companies butchering the Spanish language.

One of the most famous cases was when Chevrolet marketed its Nova car in Spanish-speaking countries without changing the name. Nova in Spanish unfortunately means “no go.”

“This is something that we as Spanish speakers have to fight against,” Piña-Rosales said.

Opponents of this misuse of Spanish say companies are encouraging the spread of Spanglish, and changing words to fit their needs.

“Although I was born here in the US, I find these ads demeaning to the Spanish language,” said Kristina Puga, a consumer in Jamaica, Queens who is fluent in both languages. “I never liked the taste of these beers and now I like them even less.”

Daniel Fernandez, a member of the American Association of the Spanish Language, thinks that the advertising agencies should reach out more to native speakers. “Unfortunately, they don’t look for our opinion. They’re not only promoting beers, they’re promoting bad Spanish.”

Not on tap
Spanish language advocates are “muy caliente” with brewers of their Latin ad campaigns.

• Tomabilidad: Bud ad speak for drinkability. No such word in Spanish.

• Más una fría que beer: Corona’s ad line, which translates into: “More one cold what beer” Huh?

• Emborícuate: Native speakers are at a loss of what this Coors Light phrase means.

7307: Who’s Your Daddy Yankee.

From Adweek…

Daddy Yankee Helps Coors Extend Hispanic Reach
Beer brand taps reggaeton star for ads, series of meet-and-greet events

By Alex Palmer

Daddy Yankee is helping Coors Light connect with Hispanic consumers. The brand is promoting the reggaeton star’s new single and album at a series of sponsored meet-and-greet events across the country.

Fans can enter for a chance to attend one of the six Coors Light En Exclusiva events by texting a special promotional number, which is broadcast on Hispanic-targeted radio stations and advertised on in-store promos. The private events will serve to promote Daddy Yankee’s new single, “Grito Mundial,” as well as preview his new album, “Daddy Yankee Mundial,” slated for release in early 2010.

The first event took place in Orlando on November 18 and the next ones will take place in Houston, Dallas, New York, Philadelphia and Chicago. But while the current effort is being run on a national scale, it has a local sensibility for each of the six markets being targeted.

“We have taken that grassroots approach to bringing this to life and it really works well for us because it allows the local teams to have a local solution and activity that helps drive new business for Coors Light,” said Roger Garcia, Hispanic brand manager for the Coors Family of Brands, pointing out that Orlando and Chicago are two new markets for En Exclusiva this year. “We have strong markets up in the northeast as well as through the east coast, which is very Caribbean, Dominican or Puerto Rican. His music just had a right fit with markets that we’re strong with.”

The En Exclusiva series had previously been a showcase just for local Hispanic artists in the New York market. Working with the agency Razorfish, Coors Light expanded it last year for the release of Daddy Yankee’s last album, “Talento de Bario” and because of its success they decided to revive it for his new album.

The music promotions are part of a broader effort by Coors Light to connect with a Hispanic audience. The brand has incorporated NFL teams into its Hispanic marketing in a similar way, tapping local teams to reach specific target markets.

“We’ve seen consistent growth [of the Hispanic market] in our business of about one-and-a-half times or two-times faster than the general market, and that does not look like it’s going to decelerate,” said Garcia. “When we see the 2010 census we’ll feel a lot more comfortable with our investments and know we’re doing the right thing to grow our business.”

Coors Light spent $124 million on advertising in 2008, and is estimated to have spent $93 million between January and November of this year, per Nielsen.

6736: Coors Light Heavy On Clichés.

Celebrating a new beat… Singing a new song. With a collection of old clichés.

6435: Offensive All-Stars.

Idiots behaving badly in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Miley Cyrus is still reeling over her insensitive photo that offended lots of Asians and Asian Americans. Advocacy groups are blasting the Hannah Montana star, demanding that she produce public service announcements to help fight discrimination and counter perpetuating stereotypes. It doesn’t help that Cyrus is most famous for playing a character who likes to don a blond wig, huh?

• Marijuana enthusiasts are blasting Kellogg for its decision to dump Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps after he was caught with a pot pipe. “Kellogg’s had no problem signing up Phelps when he had a conviction for drunk driving, an illegal act that could actually have killed someone,” said the protesting group’s executive director. “To drop him for choosing to relax with a substance that’s safer than beer is an outrage, and it sends a dangerous message to young people.” Guess there’s no need to wonder what this moron’s been smoking.

• MillerCoors reported 4Q profits dropped 40 percent. Probably because Phelps stopped drinking in favor of marijuana.

• United Airlines is overhauling its customer service, dumping call centers and forcing fliers to lodge complaints via email or postal mail. Additionally, the company will probably charge customers a $50 fee for any complaint letter over 15 words.

5788: Trouble Brewing.

Not Living the High Life in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was thrown into jail for traveling to Canada without informing the court, a violation of the terms of his bond in his perjury case. Kilpatrick tried to apologize by explaining to the judge, “I’ve been living in an incredible state of pressure and scrutiny.” He may soon be living in an incredible state prison.

• Molson Coors Brewing company recorded 2Q profits dropped 56 percent. Guess the Silver Bullet is no financial silver bullet, in addition to being an outdated and corny campaign vehicle.

Essay 4569

Merging stupidity and ignorance in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• Coors and Miller have merged their breweries in to better compete with Budweiser. Hmmm. The two brands with the most contrived and corny advertising hope to knock down the King of Beers. Wonder what these folks have been drinking.

• An arbitrator ruled NFL quarterback Michael Vick must give back $20 million in bonus loot to the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons argued the disgraced athlete violated his contract by his involvement in illegal dogfighting; plus, he used money from his contract to finance the illegal activities. Heaven forbid the team should also investigate all the money fans pour into fantasy football pools and gambling.

• A student in Nashville, Tennessee, is suing her high school after she was banned from wearing a t-shirt supporting the Jena 6. An assistant principal had stopped the student from entering the school wearing the shirt because it could “cause a problem.” Guess the assistant principal was right about that.