Essay 757

No money and no-shows in a MultiCultClassics Monologue…

• The New York Post reported that Michael Jackson was broke just before his latest sex scandal, owing hundreds of millions of dollars. Jacko’s lawyer said the superstar was just forgetful and explained, “Genius comes with eccentricity and quirkiness in other areas.” You think?

• Rapper-actor DMX failed to show up for his court date, prompting the judge to issue a warrant for his arrest. You would think a guy routinely caught exceeding speed limits would be able to drive to court on time.

• Currently incarcerated Lil’ Kim will be celebrating Independence Day one day early, as she’s scheduled to be released on July 3. Let’s hope she doesn’t ask DMX for a ride home from prison.

• Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen — who recently was slapped with a fine and ordered to attend sensitivity training after referring to a sports columnist as a fag (see Essay 723) — now plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago. Friends and organizers invited Guillen to the event to be held next month. “Yeah, I’m going. … But I had plans to go even before I was asked,” Guillen said. “I’ve had plans to go there for a long time.” He probably intends to heckle the participants from the stands.

• Less than half of the National Guard troops slated to patrol the Mexican border have actually shown up. Many Guardsmen have been busy dealing with natural disasters like floods in the East, wildfires out West and potential storms in the South. The rest have probably been joyriding with DMX.